Hello,

I was praying last night and I told God that it is time that I move pass the pain. It is time that I look back on painful memories or look at my current painful situations with different eyes. I have no desire to be in denial but I also feel like this process of recovery does not have to be so painful. I know that all the "experts" advice us to stay with the pain- explore it, feel it, embrace it, surrender to it. And that is what I am going to do- I am just going to do it without it being painful.

Let me explain:

I forgave my parents. It took me years and it was several layers deep. Just when I thought I was finish another memory another pain would surface. When I finally could recall my parents and my childhood without pain, I realized that I had not forgiven myself. I started brining forth all of the painful things that caused me shame. I looked at each one even the ugliest ones and told myself " I can love that too." It was freeing and healing. I have compassion for myself now and the thoughts in my head about myself are no longer so painful.

I feel like this journey is never ending. Higher and higher and higher still. It is not about releasing painful memories, experiences, and teachings it is about gaining higher ground. Becoming more evolved. I don't have a blue print, game plan, or list of instructions on how to proceed. I am following my gut-my own intuition that is telling me that I can do this differently. If you think about the countless books that we have read, the countless appointments with therapist, you tube videos, self-help seminars and all that we have encountered to heal---all of those people created their own guidelines. Eckhart Tolle, found alignment in one swoop- self-hatred turned to total awareness in an instant. Brene Brown was doing research on shame when she discovered that living wholehearted involved healthier ways of process shame rather than eliminating it. Byron Katie gain enlightenment on the floor as a roach crawled over her hand. The Work or rather the questions came to her or rather through her. I mean the list is endless. But what remains is that these people might have been influenced by others but somewhere along the path- they found their own calling-their own way.

I am not seeking permission or company on my quest. I am stating for myself that from here on out I have to create my path to understanding. That does not mean that I wont read what others have discovered or that I wont continue to share my journey. What it does mean is that I am no longer looking for the answers in others. Something in me is saying that this does not have to be so painful. Something is telling me that there is a way to do this a lot easier and with much less effort. I don't have to hold on so tightly. I can move back, step aside, and relax a little. At this point, I have brought forth most of my painful memories from childhood, I understand what happened and why it did. I have accepted the death of my husband and what our relationship meant. I understand every painful relationship I have been in with men, family, friend, and co-workers. And if I do it again I will even understand what drove me to it. I realize that I could spend a life time digging around in pain. I could spend a life time in one rabbit hole after another. I think I have spent enough time doing it. There is nothing else to be gained from the pain.

Something is calling me higher. Telling me that it is time to stop looking at the ashes and turn my eyes toward the horizon. I have a new mantra and it is a harsh one but it works. I say "i don't give a fuck." I don't give a fuck about some things anymore. From here on out whatever comes up no longer has the power to make me wallow in despair. I have been in hell long enough now I am turning toward the light. There is purpose in the pain but the healing is not in the pain. I am going to trust myself because there is something burning deep within that is saying "ok, enough- lets move on."