Feeling better- really nice and quiet weekend. I feel like my fears are beginning to shift and that maybe just maybe I am going to be okay.

I am on the cusp of that as well....fears are shifting but still get overwhelmed when I think of all that I want to accomplish....
Hang in there! It gets better! I BELIEVE THAT!

Not doing well today. Almost 3 weeks with this round of no contact. Longest we've gone. I keep looking into him online, trying to catch him on a dating site or something but he's not. I think I am projecting the crap I went through with previous psychopaths onto him when he's not really like that. But I still freak out. I try joining a dating site but it makes me feel worse and I shut down my account after a day or two. Can't seem to stop obsessing.

Thanks Belle,

Agent- I love the picture of the road. It really is beautiful and so symbolic of life and WWLTM. The obsessing is a painful part of this process. By far to me it is one of the worst parts- the endless thinking, planning, and remembering. But in my case I obsessed more when I was with him than I did when the relationship ended. In all honesty the obsessing is one of the reason why I am afraid to start dating again. I lose myself in men- I lose myself in the fantasy of "the relationship." It is too painful and until I can be sure that I wont go there anymore or at least know how to get out of that endless loop-I am choosing to stay single for a least a year. I hope that others chime in about what can help with obsessing. For me I watched and endless amount of tv- Dexter to be honest. It is hard to obsess when you are watching a man kill people, wrap them in plastic and throw them overboard. But I don't advise that- I had horrible nightmare- one included me killing a bus filled with small children. Whenever I start to think of him- I tell myself the truth. I ask myself what are you avoiding. Because I really was only using him to distract myself from the pain. Obsessing for me was about the fantasy and trying to make it a reality. I spent countless hours planning, hoping, wanting, wishing, praying, and waiting for him to become what I believed I needed him to be. It wasn't until I let go that the obsessing left me alone. If I cant be in a relationship in reality than I feel like the most loving thing I can do for me is stay by myself.
I wish you well.

Just give it time. That's all I can say to myself and to everyone. Just give it time. Three weeks is not that long. I can't see myself being ready for a dating site online for at least 6 months from now. I need platonic interactions to get me to that level again. I need a lot of self care to get me to that level again..

My weekend was mixed. I felt very lonely on Saturday and I realised that was partly what kept me in the last relationship. Sunday was good even though I had to give up on that dream to buy the beach house. I am ok with that because there is nothing wrong with my current house..I just wanted the sea views but happy to bide my time.

Belle, I am so glad to hear you are doing well. Maybe the trick is to not think of it as go back to the old you, but to create a new you? You are not the same person you were before the relationship?

AgentSmith, obsessing and dating again..Been there and done that many many times in the past. But for some reason I am not doing the obsessing so much this time around and I am hoping that is because I am bit further along in my journey of self realisation. And knowing I used online dating to fill that hole inside in the past, I am catching myself each time I feel like setting up a profile. I distract myself with going to Meetups and catching up with friends. But most friends have lives of their own and you can't depend on them all the time. So I looked up someone I dated for a very short time last year and had a good connection with. He wasn't fully recovered from his marriage and felt he was not ready for a relationship at that point. It just so happens he is not dating anyone at the moment. I explained my situation and said I was looking for a safe friend while I recovered and he is happy to be there for me. Of course we haven't ruled out the friendship progressing into something more later on, but for the moment it is good to have someone who knows me quite well to talk to in those dark lonely hours when I am on my own.

Like you said Belle, it is a matter of giving it time and also understanding the solution is unique to each of us. No one size fits all....

Even though it's only been 3 weeks this time, it's been really since the beginning of July that this relationship has been almost always OFF. We get together again and because of his commitment phobia, it only lasts a few days or maybe a week before he gets distant again. The real relationship, when he actually behaved like he was in one, only lasted a few weeks in May and June. I don't know why such a short relationship has caused me so much pain. I normally just walk away from situations like this without giving it a second thought. I join the dating site and put that I'm just looking for friends. But even still, I don't feel comfortable with it and close the profile down again quickly. I don't want to go a long period of time single again because I think I have been using that as an escape from my fears of intimacy. I've basically been single since 2006 with only 3 very short (few week) attempts at dating since then. My obsessing is really all the time. But when we are together, things are fine between us. We get along great and never fight. It's only when we spend time apart (like during the work week) that both of our heads start to play tricks on us and we push each other away. But I'm the only one working on my issues. He keeps saying he wants to and even bought some self help books but has not done anything (because again, that would be a commitment).

AHHHH! I just wrote a really good post and then lost it! Anyway, I can see your point AgentSmith. I would give yourself a little bit of time and then get back on that dating horse and find someone who isn't into playing games. We are adults. Committing isn't that god damned hard!
I am a firm believer in shit or get off the pot! My ex has some concrete things that he needs to fix and only he can fix them. There will be no more band-aids from myself to try to help him through. We will see what he comes up with. In the meantime I am over the moon about putting my life at the forefront. I have my list of things to do until next Sunday. They are not life changing per se but they are all steps to keep me moving in the right direction!!

Thanks Belle, I know what you mean. The idea of simple little commitments causing such anxiety is so hard for me to fathom. I've always been a person of my word. I always do what I say I'll do. I NEVER commit to anything and then not follow through. I always show up when I say I will, I'm always early. He is the extreme opposite. He can't commit to anything. Having to decide on something and eliminate the other options is apparently extremely scary for him. In all aspects of his life. He can't pick a time, a date, a car, a house, etc. And in the rare occasion that he actually does commit to something, he almost never follows through. It's really bizarre. I've never seen anything like it.

That's good to keep yourself busy. I work from home full time due to my PTSD now (from trauma from ex psychopath relationships) so I am always alone which really adds to the ease of obsessing, the loneliness, the boredom, etc.

The point you raise is an interesting one AgentSmith. I am like you, I am early and if I say yes, will follow through however hard it is. I find that when I come across people like the guy you describe, I don't have respect for them. And in a relationship situation, you pretend it doesn't matter, but it really does. I am speaking from personal experience here...I needed to know I was with someone whose decisions making ability I respected and I wasn't. Surpresssing the feeling was only possible for short periods of time. I would errupt with anger whenever I couldn't handle it anymore. Partway through the relationship, I realised, I was actually angry with myself, not him...angry that I didn't love myself enough to find a guy that I could actually like...

I had a good weekend. Spent time with my kids (not really kids, my youngest is 21, lol) and with my sweet granddaughter. Had a few sad thoughts regarding my divorce and my ex. Hard to shake them but I tried to stay busy and push them from my mind. I was reading Agentsmiths journal today and she said "he hurt me" wow, that was a break through for me because bottom line is, he did hurt me and it's not ok. I think all of this time (almost 9 months since he left me) I was making excuses for his behavior, for his lack of attention and affection when really I didn't do anything to deserve this. So, me, its not ok and its time, way past time, to suck it up and let the past go and more importantly let him go. Our exes do have some fixing to do for themselves, we can't do it for them anymore. Their LOSS.

You can not respect someone who can't make a decision & stick to it! You are correct in saying we get angry with them at first but we're really angry at ourselves for putting up with it!!! AgentSmith, I wish we lived closer to one another! I'd make you come out with me to have some fun. Please, from experience, force yourself to get out of the house. Put some lipstick on, sunglasses, a cute comfy outfit, go grab a coffee & get out into the unknown. It will do you so good! Do you have a pet? Can you afford to get new sheets or pajamas? A candle? Just get something, anything that makes you feel happy. My happiness is a shower, clean sheets, a good Malbec, TV, my cat, reading a new good book, lighting a candle, the fall....

What I don't understand is why I put up with it this time. I have a list of red flags that I do not accept. Lying is #1. I walk away from people who display these traits. It hasn't been an issue for me. I just walk away and don't look back. And I told him this from the beginning. He has even asked me why I'm still around with the way he's been treating me. He has told me I deserve to be treated better and admits he's treated me like shit. He admits he's not healthy enough for me.

The only reason I can come up with is that last July I lost my dog. He was my baby and I had raised him from a little pup and he was a child to me. I had him my entire adult life and my world revolved around him. He was all I had through all my trauma. And I was fine being single for so long because I had him. He died unexpectedly, 2 months after I was raped last year and was already suicidal from that. I haven't been the same since. There's this giant gaping hole inside me now and my life has been so empty. I got another dog in Jan but haven't been able to bond with him. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to bond with anyone.

Today I'm feeling better. Went to coda last night.

AgentSmith - I am soooo very sorry to hear about the trauma you've had! A double whammy of sorts. I understand why you are putting up with this person - You don't want anymore changes at any costs it seems. Just keep doing the right things, one day at a time. Do what you need to do for you! Give the new puppy some time...the bonding can happen even ever so slowly. I have had my cat as my constant through every move and every boyfriend who really did me wrong. Pets are the very best.

Sending you lots of love and positive energy AgentSmith...Big Hug.