Hi, I apologize that your post remained without a reply for this long. I was just wondering how to relate to it because I did care for two men in a rather maternal way and when they left me I was afraid because I had neglected myself and did not know how to take care of me and live my life alone so I missed them.

Thank you for your answer QueenBee. Yes, I think I'm afraid with all this free time, and having to learn to care for myself. I spent my childhood and teenage years taking care of my father, and I always felt terrified of being without him. Now I'm in a similar position, quite lost about my 'purpose'

You haven't said how old you are but I will assume you'd be old enough to give birth so perhaps you can understand that,for a woman, it's totally normal to experience that "maternal" feeling. You want to care for him and in some ways you have, and probably always will, transfer some of that maternal instinct to the man you love and make no mistake...unless you go overboard with the motherly stuff, a man loves it. I know this sounds really weird but consider that a man has had a mommy looking after him all his life. Without acknowledging it, he is looking for a replacement. Then again, if he never knew the care of an attentive mother, he will REALLY be looking for mothering He won't ever admit it, of course, and you wouldn't want to make an issue of it either, but that factor is part of the human condition, psychologically.

Hi solo60, thanks for you reply. I can understand what you're saying, when I broke up with my ex he said that he was going to miss being taken care by me, not that he was going to miss me :p
I've never felt really maternal until this relationship, but the maternal instinct kicked in hard. I'd much rather care for him than care for me. As implausible as it sounded until recently, and as cliche as it sounds, I have to turn that maternal instinct towards myself. I can't keep taking care of a man hoping that will bring safety.

The last guy I chose to have a relationship with was brutally traumatized by his mother. It seemed as though he was waiting for me to be for him and 3 months into the relationship he had to choose for some odd reason between his loyalty to his mother and I and he chose his mother over me and his ex girlfriend. I really saw it then. He used my weakness to feel good and I used his weakness to feel good and we created a toxic relationship till he left. I started working with my therapist on creating healthy boundaries by separating what's mine and what's his.

This setting boundaries thing is a pretty new thing for me too, even in friendships I usually mix my feelings and thoughts with the other person's. It has been rewarding so far, like a fog that's slowly fading.
This using each other's weaknesses to feel good I understand too, like two little kids scared of being alone and clinging to each other.
Thanks for your message

I found this article a very helpful article on why sometimes it's hard to get over an ex. It made me understand why I might be missing him although I don't think we're best together anymore.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemporary-psychoanalysis-in-action/201310/why-can-t-i-get-over-my-ex