Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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Mind games....

UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
In my my grieving process I woke up this morning - in yet another panic as I do every morning - realizing the mind games that were being played on me and how I let those mind games get in my head. I have mentioned "speaking in riddles". I would be told things like " you are a bad girl aren't you?" and I would reply "no, I'm actually a good girl and you know that". I had some friends I chose to quit hanging out with because they were a bad influence. I still see one at girl scouts because she is a co-leader with me. Anyway whenever i brought up issues we were having with scouts he would say "Who you hang out with says a lot about who you are". I would reply - "I don't hang out with them - I only see her at scouts". I would be told " you know how people do things in the beginning of relationships that won't do later when they are comfortable" acting as if he was talking about his ex-wife and her man. I did not reply to that one because I don't do that and didn't understand it - I'm beginning to now - he doesn't know how to handle a relationship after the "honeymoon period". Anyway I look back now and realize he was always looking to find something wrong with me. He was always looking for a reason for me to look bad. In the beginning I felt like I was up on a pedestal and I think back now realizing that was temporary and he chose to create non-realistic fantasies about me in his head (not good ones) so he could withdraw himself. Here I am in fantasy land about the great man, father, Christian, friend that he is and after a certain point he was devaluing me in his mind.
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
I forgot this one - he made a comment that he can "train someone to do what he wants" (or something to that effect) supposedly talking about the secretary who was being difficult at his job.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Undercover,

I think you are in a great place. I love that place where I begin to see and understand things clearly. The more you allow yourself to let it all unravel you may begin to see more of who he really was but even better than that you will begin to see who you really were in the relationship as well.

You are right once people have made up their mind about you there is nothing you can do to change it. On the other hand once you make up your mind about someone there is nothing that others can do to change yours either.
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
Yes - I am beginning to see a lot of things. I think I always saw them I just chose to rationalize them away to remain in Fantasy land. You know - surely I did not go down the wrong path again! I can't breathe and my anxiety goes into overdrive when I am dealing with the loss of the fantasy. When I step back and look at the realities I am "OK".
Group FounderDracona
Dracona
Strange looking back the shit we see... while i was on a pedestal as well... i remember mine saying he wanted to see what i was like when i was angry, then soon after made up some story about how he felt bad about his ex and wanted to give her 20 bucks to get food... this is the girl who destroyed all of his belongings and his bank accounts... it was random. when i was upset about it he kept twisting it and twisting it until i was in fact, very angry. once i was at a breaking point... he stopped, laughed and said he was just kidding, and that he decided he did not like me when i was angry but he had to know.

this should have decided it then... 3 years ago... before he tried to kill my new BF and possibly me. but i didnt see it.... the fact he wanted to push me and see how i controlled myself seemed rational at the time, i took it as him protecting himself, making sure i was who i said i was... ridiculous.
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
Interesting. I have spoken of how he talked in riddles. This is exactly what I was talking about - he was always trying to figure me out. He said several times I was a tough nut to crack. Funny thing is that I was hiding nothing. He was always saying things to test me or get my reaction like eventually the evil side of me would rear it's ugly head. There were no layers to peel back - there I was - eager to please :-/. My boss (father figure) actually had to point this out to me. My ex INSISTED on calling me a secretary when I am a paralegal with 2 degrees. There is a difference and he knew it got under my skin when he did that. Anyway - my boss told me I should not have been listening to the words. I should have listened to the malicious intent behind them. He was trying to degrade me. How did I not see that? How did I not see that him testing me was not cute, but malicious??? How did I not see that once I was released from the pedestal it was somewhat a mission of his to devalue me to the point that I no longer fit into his life? Wow. All I can say is wow!