In my my grieving process I woke up this morning - in yet another panic as I do every morning - realizing the mind games that were being played on me and how I let those mind games get in my head. I have mentioned "speaking in riddles". I would be told things like " you are a bad girl aren't you?" and I would reply "no, I'm actually a good girl and you know that". I had some friends I chose to quit hanging out with because they were a bad influence. I still see one at girl scouts because she is a co-leader with me. Anyway whenever i brought up issues we were having with scouts he would say "Who you hang out with says a lot about who you are". I would reply - "I don't hang out with them - I only see her at scouts". I would be told " you know how people do things in the beginning of relationships that won't do later when they are comfortable" acting as if he was talking about his ex-wife and her man. I did not reply to that one because I don't do that and didn't understand it - I'm beginning to now - he doesn't know how to handle a relationship after the "honeymoon period". Anyway I look back now and realize he was always looking to find something wrong with me. He was always looking for a reason for me to look bad. In the beginning I felt like I was up on a pedestal and I think back now realizing that was temporary and he chose to create non-realistic fantasies about me in his head (not good ones) so he could withdraw himself. Here I am in fantasy land about the great man, father, Christian, friend that he is and after a certain point he was devaluing me in his mind.
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