I wish I had the answer for you. My husband did walk away, I don't wish that upon anyone. Why do we still love them???? I have struggled the past two weeks with missing my ex. I am a mess because I broke contact and went to see him last week. We had a great visit. Then we texted back and forth but as soon as it got "personal" he shut it down. I'm a fool. I live in this fantasy world that he realizes what he is missing and comes back to me. My biggest fear is that I will never let go of him. My counselor says that I am still investing too much emotion and feelings for what he is giving, story of our marriage, sound familiar ladies? I'm a bit depressed myself over it. I wish I could get to the hating or anger stage. I've done all of the tricks to move forward but obviously I choose to live with heart ache and despair. I don't have to compete with another woman, my competition is his low self esteem and total lack of emotional connection to women. I don't know how you ladies deal with the OW, I'd be a complete basket case. My friend wishes that my ex would move on, maybe then I would too.....I'm sorry for your pain and that I don't have anything to offer you but a hug.

I was in a similar situation (still sort of am). I would suggest checking out the book "He's scared, She's scared" by Steven Carter. It really opened my eyes to commitment phobic personalities and how all you can do is focus on your issues - only he can decide to face his own demons. I just comfort myself with the knowledge that his issues have nothing to do with me and that he had resigned himself to the same vicious cycle, but it won't be with me. My situation involves another woman too, which has been so heart wrenching, but I am finally getting to the point that I almost feel bad for her because he will do the same thing to her unless he gets help.

Shani96~

My heart went out to you when I read your post. You responded to me back in December in my time of struggle, and I want to try and provide some food for thought...

Remember, it takes two to make a healthy relationship work. You say that it really is up to your husband to decide, and that might be. You have stated you've given it your all, and given him plenty of time to see things clearly and work on the marriage. If that is true, ask yourself: are you OK with his indecision and lack of responsibility? If you're not, that is is reasonable and healthy to put an end to the game-playing. What you allow, continues. Don't allow it anymore. That seems to be the only way that both he (and you, on some level) will fully know the consequences of your actions. I am not belittling your sadness and devastation at all, but I feel like you will be able to see that you did everything possible and also had the dignity and self-respect to end a dysfunctional cycle for yourself. He, on the other hand - sounds like he hasn't worked on much, and in fact, wants it both ways. How shameless! I am mad on your behalf!
Only you know what is right for you, but I wish you strength. I have been struggling with my own faith in God and His Plan these days and know how sad, humbling, and gutwrenching it can be.
Much love. ~P

Thank you for your replies. I woke up today with a new feeling. I asked myself "what is a marriage?" and "what is a husband?" My answers were that a marriage is two people working on a life together. A husband is someone who is there for me and wants to be married. None of these answers said it had to be joyous and wonderful all the time, only that both people wanted to somehow work together. I have neither of these. I really have no husband and have not had one for 18 months. I left that marriage and my husband 18 months ago. And since then there has been no marriage and no husband or wife.

So now if I look at the situation without the "marriage and husband" I just have him. Just a guy. Do I really like him? If I did not know him would I want to persue a relationship with him? No. My answer is no. So if I look at the picture like this, which seems to be reality, then I have a clear answer. It is time to move on.

So my pain does not come from him and loving him, it comes from loosing a husband and a marriage that is long gone. It comes from hopes and dreams that just are not going to come true with this man. It comes from facing my own demons of how I handled my fears IN a marriage. I ran. I have learned from all of it. I think I am about to have forgiveness for myself for all my hurtful and selfish actions I took instead of doing the right thing which would have been to face my fears instead of run away from them. It has not been easy. Very painful process. But I am only human and I make mistakes. I need forgiveness and I am asking God for it. What I can do now and am doing is lead a better life. Be a person of integrity and honesty. I am pretty sure this means putting an end to the game playing and standing up for myself. Being worthy of saying this is no longer ok with me. I deserve better and moving on.

Saying goodbye to the past and letting go. That is what I am working on now. Forgiveness of myself. I think I have punished myself long enough. If my husband would have just once said he is happy with her and would like to get divorced I would have been ok with that. But I think he too is punishing himself. Why else would he pick up a drink after 12 years of sobriety if he were not in utter pain? I consider myself very lucky that I did not take that course.

Why is it that we are always the last ones too see the clear path in our own lives? All my friends and family have seen it for the entire 18 months! Maybe its the drama? Maybe it keeps me involved? Maybe it is the sick side of me that really wants to keep the chaos going? I don't know but finally the pain got to be overwhelming and I have stopped the cycle for now. It feels good to back here and get some of this crap out of my head. Thanks for listening. : )