Maybe you should try to build up yourself first before thinking of leaving. I know I wanted to leave so many times but I was so emotionally beaten down and weak that i was too scared. I was convinced I could not do it alone and I started seeing my therapist. With each session I felt alittle stronger and Alittle more sure of the decision I needed to make. My N made it easier for me because he was an abusive bastard. It sounds like your boyfriend is just not who you want to be with and you are feeling guilty because he is a good guy in general and good to your daughter. You are scared that you are throwing away a good one and then you will be alone. Talk to someone and have them help you sort out your feelings. The most important thing to remember is that you need to do what makes you happy. You will not be a good mother if you're not happy. I kept thinking I couldn't tell him to leave because of the kids but ultimately I was not a good mother to them when I was unhappy, crying, or angry most of the time. I know you are scared. I am too. I am terrified I will be alone for the rest of my life but I know in my heart I cannot live that life anymore. We all are here for you!!! You will make the decision that is best for you and your daughter. Don't rush. Hugs!!

Lets start with the fact that you ARE a healthy woman. You were healthy enough to start this group which has over 600 members and you have helped countless women by having the ovaries and inititiave to do it.

Do you have baggage? Hell yes. We all do, or we would not be here posting on this board.

OK, well everyone that knows me knows that I tend to be a tad opinionated so here is my opinion of your situation.

You were thrown out when you were pregnant by a psycho who could have cared less if you or your baby lived or died.

This 'nice' guy comes a long and offers you a hand and obviously you are going to take his offer.

This guy has always sounded nice, but I think if you were honest with yourself, you would know that things have not felt 'right' between you for a long time.

Being in a healthy relationship does not mean over looking everything. You are allowed to have it all. It might not be right now, you may have a lot of growing and healing to do, but eventually you can have a relationship which is loving, romantic, secure AND passionate.

No where is it written that healthy has to be a snore fest. Yet, somehow I think you decided, it things are not crazy then they have to be boring and unromantic and unappealing.

You have to move beyond the fear of being alone. There are a lot of worse things then being alone. Like giving the best years of your life to someone because they are too nice to break up with even though the passion is completely gone.

Perhaps I am projecting because that is exactly what I did with my good guy ex. We stayed together until my eggs were hard boiled. I refused to have kids with him because I did not see the relationship lasting, but I also allowed my fear of abandonment to keep me tied to nuturing, but unfufilling relationship.

All successful relationships require compromise on both sides. But I think you are comprosing way too much in the context of this relationship and sooner or later the resentment of the compromise will lead to passive agressive blow ups over trivial BS. Or at least that is how it went down for me. Good luck!

Yeah, what Susy says... ditto to all of that! :)

Thanks all... i try to take it day by day. like today for instance, im ok with him, im ok with the situation. tomarrow, he might leave a popsicle wrapper out and not take a shower till the last minute, and im pissed at him for the day. i just dont know. im not scared of being alone, as much as i am scared of the prospect of ever dating. while i was pregnant and abandoned, i had a revelation. i enjoyed my alone time. i enjoyed being with myself. what im scared of, is being lied to, of believing whole heartedly that this person standing in front of me, is who he seems, and having my whole world come crashing down because he was just the best liar i had ever met, the one who even believed his own lies. i cant do that again. it wasnt that he lied to me, it was that i lost all inner pride, inner strength, i was wondering if the grass was really green, or if the mailbox i was looking at was really standing there, it made me feel crazy and surreal. i was drowning in my confusion and hurt, and didnt know which way was up.
funny thing is, i started this group before i met him. because i had taken a year break, was real depressed, started a gambling spree, then realized that something was seriously wrong with me and went looking for the root of it. i realized i had a serious problem with men. i was on gambling support groups on here, and realized that there was not to many support groups for us, so i started one after reading the book. i shared this with him. i let him read all my journals. let him know why i was broken, and what i was trying to fix. i let him in. id rather be alone, than to let anyone be that close again, yet at the same time, i crave that closeness, but i revel in the comfort i have now with austin. but i think i am making him crazy too. i dont know. but i do know, that he loves me, and he loves my daughter. im just not sure what is more important to me anymore. i mean, i could spend the next 30-40 years of my life in heartache dating looking for the right one, having to let them go because i do know the signs now and how to protect myself. i do want more babies, at least one, i dont think ill make it through more than that.
and i know austin would be a good father, even if we werent together. and well, i dont want to be pregnant after im 30 if i can help it. im not rushing things or trying to get pregnant right now.
just at least i know him, or have the illusion that i do, and that right now is ok with me for today.
im not afraid of being alone, im afraid of whats out there. i think thats why i stick wtih austin, cause sometimes it is like i am alone, i dont even notice he is there somedays. but its coming time to make a decision, i dont want to fight. i dont want to blow up at him.
oh shut up brain of mine, i wish i could just be chill and be happy and peaceful. just live. why always the worry through my head?

and how do you know how to feel or what you feel? after being in such emotional tangles as we have been? maybe its just me.

Absolutely not! It is not just you, I've felt all those feelings most definitely, but the reasons you have mentioned are NOT reasons to stay with anyone. If you re-read your post, you will see what you are saying is you are settling because...at least....honey if you aren't even 30 yet, what are you worried about? Seriously, take your time to heal yourself, truly your inner self. The reasons why you are in this place are what needs to be healed. And I'm sorry to tell you something you obviously already know, you cannot do this with ANYONE in your life. Especially someone who qualifies you for this group. I'm telling you this out of love because we have to love each other into a place of hope and encouragement. You do deserve to be loved the way God loves you, you deserve to be treated with respect, to be honored and cherised, to trust someone, who, has shown you with NO DOUBTS IN YOUR MIND OR BY HIS ACTIONS, that he can be trusted with your heart and your future. The problem is, until you heal the hole in your heart, and become whole by yourself, you will contine to attract the other half of your broken heart.

Give God the chance to heal your heart, surrende it to him and let him show you how to get there. In the midst of all this confusion, he WILL clear the fog and show you the path you need to follow for healing. But that will only happen when you let this man go, and trust God to provide you with your needs totally. He knows what you need, better than you do! God bless you and I feel your pain, I SO connect to where you are at. But you CAN do this, don't let this person control your mind/heart/soul... only God should be worshipped, the minute we put these guys up on a pedastool and take God off of his throne, we ALWAYS get into trouble. Take care sweetie!

i will tel you my story, please read it and think that you are not alone. we are here because we need each other, becuase we can be true and open to each other. i fell inlove when i was just 12 years old, with a nighbour's boy who was 13. we kept sending letters and having a weet heart relationship, until i was 15 and my mum found out, she was very unhappy and told me that i have to stop this because first. we are too small to know what love is, second. oue families had some conflict, so i will never be able to stay with him....time left by, and i kept loving him, he was so too. when i was 16, we left the country and re-locakted far far way from home. i was devestated and emotionaly very upset to an extend that i fel ill and hospitalised for whole 6 months, i coudn't eat or sleep, i kept crying and no one knew what was wrong with me, afer one year i re-contacted my sweet heart and kep in touch untill 2002 when i was 22 years, he then fled his home and came to where i lived at the time, so after 7 long years we got re-united again, GUESS WHAT? we got married with both our parents blessing, and after 4 lovley years God gave us a beautiful baby. all of a sudden, our lives went upside down, he seems careless and hardly talks to me know, we are linked together through my child only, there is no conversation between us, no love or passion, if you would see us a few years ago, you would think that God only made two love birds no more, but now, he dosen't even want to say good morning to me, he never looks at my eyes, or calls my name. i am not happy at all, and i feel like i am just dragging myself, just making my daily tasks as i go along, never the less i don't dare thinking about leaving him, I just LOVE him too much. so please sorry for making you tired with my long story, but try to think about evrything and try to regain some strengh before doing anything. best luck

Dracona,

RE: im not afraid of being alone, im afraid of whats out there.

That is not a good reason to stay with someone. It is still making decisions out of fear instead of doing what is right for you.

I am not implying that now is the right time to leave Austin and maybe it will never be the right time, but that is certainly not a good enough reason to stay with anyone.

It is almost like you think that being in a relationship with Austin is insulation against your lessons and life just does not work that way. The Universe is going to deliver your lessons to you on a silver platter one way or another.

Don't worry about having more kids or the time frame around them. Worry about being happy, healthy and stable. And let the rest take care of itself.

Dracona, first let me thank you for starting this group, I wasn't aware of that. I agree with everyone here. I too had an experience with a "nice" guy some months after I was deserted by the ex n. What I learned from my experience is that: 1. I was so desperate to fill the void in myself, that I was willing to compromise by dating someone that I would not have given the time of day to 20 years ago. 2. I did not even know how to end a relationship I did not want. 3. I was basing who I was and my self worth by whether or not I had a man in my life. 4. My boundaries, emotional stability, and self esteem needed serious work and adjusting. I too fear the possibility of never fiinding the "man of my dreams" but I am praying daily that God will deliver me from that ( an and He will) and heal me. Only then will I even be ready to face the kind of man and relationship that I want and deserve to have.
Dracona, I know how hard it is to trust yourself once you have experienced trauma from a relationship with a p. However, I can say that the only way I have been able to start to find any real clarity is by practicing NC, seeking God, and not dating. Believe me I have been where you are. I remember distinctly several years ago, making the decision to silence my own voice, put my feelings and needs aside in order to keep the peace and continue to have my n ex in my life. Several years later he is gone and so is a lot of me that I am now in the process of reclaiming. I am in no way sayiing that your current man is a n, but I would hate to see you sacrifice yourself and look back to regret it. NO MAN IS WORTH THAT! Please take care and remember "To thine ownself be true" Peace and love.

thank you everyone... and lucy, your story could never be to long, NEVER apologize for sharing. this place is for healing, and seeking advice, and friendship and trust. we appreciate your story, and your willingness to share. thank you.

see though, that this is my second time around after i realized that i had a problem.
i took a break for a year, then dated another asshole... then was alone for a while again. when i decided to give austin a chance, i knew, that it was not something that was easy to walk away from if i was not happy. because all in all, he IS a great guy. he just might not be the greatest for me. he is kind and caring. but there is something so lacking in our relationship. and now... i want to feel butterflies. i want to feel exited about being with someone. with him, about our future together. and i so go back and forth with if its what i want, or trying to figure out what i am really looking for, and we have very few similar interests.
one day, im ok with what i have, the next, not so ok. am i settling? honestly, i dont know. but something is wrong, if i keep having to post on here, wondering what to do. but what exactly?
im not physically attracted to him. is that it? am i so vain that i cant get past something like that?
but to my daughter, he is her dad. my heart melts on those days when i see them together, interacting as such. i just dont know. and im not willing to just leave until i do know... but i do know that he loves me, and he wouldnt just hurt me, not like the others. and there is security there.