Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Hi,Ladies, I have just recently realized I am a Love Addict and I am thrilled to find a support group, because I need it badly.
My story is pretty common: once, I met a married guy. He was older, I was 17, he said there can be no commitment,I fell in love badly...and the hell never stopped since then. He never said he loves me, never said he'll be there for me, but still somehow he was the most caring and understanding individual I've ever met. I am not sure why, but he told his wife he was cheating, she left him, and he was mad at me--and left me. Only to reunite some time later when he and his wife made peace. He is a 100% love avoidant, and this makes things even worse. FInally, I got sick of ruining his life (I was always the first one to contact him )and got engaged with a nice, reliable,loving ...but a little bit boring guy who finally became my husband.
The story could have a happy end only if my ex's wife didn't decide to divorce him straight before my engagement. I never stopped loving him. In fact, I still hope once things will work out (I know it is impossible), but I could not imagine they will ever divorce. I felt bad to leave my fiance, but I asked my ex what we should do (if he said he wanted me, I would break up the engagement and marry him-no doubt, but he told he will always hate me and that I should get married.) which i did, thinking he doesn't care. Half a year later we moved to the US. I did not talk to him, though I was thinking about him every day and missing him badly. He divorced, and two years later he got married. This hit me hard. I called him,and found out that he was looking for me and that he had two suicide attempts. Frankly speaking, I was shocked --he persuaded me that he is indifferent towards me.But he was getting married. Soon after his wedding, he had to make a trip to the US, and we met here-in my house, with my husband present (I was afraid to meet him myself).
Then, I was mentally stable, because before he got married he told me that he chose the girl he loves, and I knew there could be no hope for me, so I was Ok. I love my husband, but unfortunately not like my ex... Still, my ex behaved strange when we met. He looked sad and even though he did not show emotions in front of my husband, he sent me message saying how miserable his life is and how depressed he is. Here my hell started. After I got married, I was free of Love addiction, because I switched to my husband. The day my ex told me he actually was feeling bad without me it hit me as it never did before--it was the first time he showed emotions I needed all these years from him. Damned love avoidants...He hated me when I was near, but he escaped from his new wife in fantasies with me. He told me private things I shouldnt know and it was hard. He even said something about mastrubating, which is really not my business. A year ago something else happened in my life and I became depressed. My relations with my husband worsened, and the ex started to occupy my thoughts more and more. I also have PMDD, so during period and before ovulation I cannot stop thinking about him. I reached out to him like 8 months ago, back then, I was afraid of all these feelings and wanted to warn him not to react if I say I love him. That was a huge mistake-you cannot give Love Avoidant power over you.He listened to my confessions. He said he feels same things as me: that he will not stop loving me, that he will never be happy without me, that he doesnt have feeling s towards new wife. My life became terrible even more. I have a husband and two kids, but I love other man, torture a great husband and have suicidal ideations. So i decided to divorce and got back to my ex who is also severely depressed. I know he is married, but I wanted to be there for him, even without being together--because the pain I am going through by living double standards is much worse. I decided to let my husband be free, because it is not fair to think about other guy. The only problem is that my ex who was constantly telling how miserable, sad and depressed he is changed as soon as he heard that I am leaving. He said he loves his wife and that this new wife is unlike the old one, that he never told me he doesnt love her,and that he is never going to leave her and that there is no way we can be together. He also told I was obsessing about him, chasing him, and that I was the one to reach for him, and that even though he wants me, he will do nothing to get me. He said I am being mean to appear in his life, and that I am the one who doesnt let him forget. With this in mind, he could not say he doesnt love me, and he couldnt say he loves me as well, he gave vague descriptions of how the memories are occupying his mind and how he loves the memories. I guess this is the only truthful and realistic thing he said.
I feel terrible. Even though he said we cannot be together, he behaves like if he loves me. He blocked my in skype, because I was telling him how shitty I feel,but before it he broke a window and threatened to do something if I hurt myself. He continued to say how much he cares about me, and how much I matter and how much out story is sad, but shit--I feel betrayed. He was listening and encouraging me to open my heart again, after I distanced from him when I got married. It took me time to break the walls -and when I finally did, almost leaving my husband, he left me in the nowhere, refusing to talk to me, and basically pushing me away as he always did. I know I should feel guilty for being a bad wife, but I am not--I wanted to be honest and work things out, me and my husband have a lot of relationship issues as well and this would never happen had we have a strong marriage. I never betrayed my husband physically, but I just want to be sure I am with the man I want, not because I had no other choice. I would like to love my husband as strong. One thing I know for sure-if my ex ever comes back, next time he will push me to suicide or I will hurt myself (even though I probably will not, my life is affected and I cannot function , I function at 35% of what I can)
My ex is also depressed. He is drinking almost every day. and when I sent him article about love avoidance, he agreed. The problem is I have no idea how to break the pattern addict/avoidant. I cannot imagine that I will never talk to my ex again, when this happens, I have such anxiety, that I want to self-hurt only to not feel fear and pain. I react to abandonment terribly.
I need to somehow deal with all this, I read all I could and I cannot afford therapy now, but I definitely need some advise.:)
My story is pretty common: once, I met a married guy. He was older, I was 17, he said there can be no commitment,I fell in love badly...and the hell never stopped since then. He never said he loves me, never said he'll be there for me, but still somehow he was the most caring and understanding individual I've ever met. I am not sure why, but he told his wife he was cheating, she left him, and he was mad at me--and left me. Only to reunite some time later when he and his wife made peace. He is a 100% love avoidant, and this makes things even worse. FInally, I got sick of ruining his life (I was always the first one to contact him )and got engaged with a nice, reliable,loving ...but a little bit boring guy who finally became my husband.
The story could have a happy end only if my ex's wife didn't decide to divorce him straight before my engagement. I never stopped loving him. In fact, I still hope once things will work out (I know it is impossible), but I could not imagine they will ever divorce. I felt bad to leave my fiance, but I asked my ex what we should do (if he said he wanted me, I would break up the engagement and marry him-no doubt, but he told he will always hate me and that I should get married.) which i did, thinking he doesn't care. Half a year later we moved to the US. I did not talk to him, though I was thinking about him every day and missing him badly. He divorced, and two years later he got married. This hit me hard. I called him,and found out that he was looking for me and that he had two suicide attempts. Frankly speaking, I was shocked --he persuaded me that he is indifferent towards me.But he was getting married. Soon after his wedding, he had to make a trip to the US, and we met here-in my house, with my husband present (I was afraid to meet him myself).
Then, I was mentally stable, because before he got married he told me that he chose the girl he loves, and I knew there could be no hope for me, so I was Ok. I love my husband, but unfortunately not like my ex... Still, my ex behaved strange when we met. He looked sad and even though he did not show emotions in front of my husband, he sent me message saying how miserable his life is and how depressed he is. Here my hell started. After I got married, I was free of Love addiction, because I switched to my husband. The day my ex told me he actually was feeling bad without me it hit me as it never did before--it was the first time he showed emotions I needed all these years from him. Damned love avoidants...He hated me when I was near, but he escaped from his new wife in fantasies with me. He told me private things I shouldnt know and it was hard. He even said something about mastrubating, which is really not my business. A year ago something else happened in my life and I became depressed. My relations with my husband worsened, and the ex started to occupy my thoughts more and more. I also have PMDD, so during period and before ovulation I cannot stop thinking about him. I reached out to him like 8 months ago, back then, I was afraid of all these feelings and wanted to warn him not to react if I say I love him. That was a huge mistake-you cannot give Love Avoidant power over you.He listened to my confessions. He said he feels same things as me: that he will not stop loving me, that he will never be happy without me, that he doesnt have feeling s towards new wife. My life became terrible even more. I have a husband and two kids, but I love other man, torture a great husband and have suicidal ideations. So i decided to divorce and got back to my ex who is also severely depressed. I know he is married, but I wanted to be there for him, even without being together--because the pain I am going through by living double standards is much worse. I decided to let my husband be free, because it is not fair to think about other guy. The only problem is that my ex who was constantly telling how miserable, sad and depressed he is changed as soon as he heard that I am leaving. He said he loves his wife and that this new wife is unlike the old one, that he never told me he doesnt love her,and that he is never going to leave her and that there is no way we can be together. He also told I was obsessing about him, chasing him, and that I was the one to reach for him, and that even though he wants me, he will do nothing to get me. He said I am being mean to appear in his life, and that I am the one who doesnt let him forget. With this in mind, he could not say he doesnt love me, and he couldnt say he loves me as well, he gave vague descriptions of how the memories are occupying his mind and how he loves the memories. I guess this is the only truthful and realistic thing he said.
I feel terrible. Even though he said we cannot be together, he behaves like if he loves me. He blocked my in skype, because I was telling him how shitty I feel,but before it he broke a window and threatened to do something if I hurt myself. He continued to say how much he cares about me, and how much I matter and how much out story is sad, but shit--I feel betrayed. He was listening and encouraging me to open my heart again, after I distanced from him when I got married. It took me time to break the walls -and when I finally did, almost leaving my husband, he left me in the nowhere, refusing to talk to me, and basically pushing me away as he always did. I know I should feel guilty for being a bad wife, but I am not--I wanted to be honest and work things out, me and my husband have a lot of relationship issues as well and this would never happen had we have a strong marriage. I never betrayed my husband physically, but I just want to be sure I am with the man I want, not because I had no other choice. I would like to love my husband as strong. One thing I know for sure-if my ex ever comes back, next time he will push me to suicide or I will hurt myself (even though I probably will not, my life is affected and I cannot function , I function at 35% of what I can)
My ex is also depressed. He is drinking almost every day. and when I sent him article about love avoidance, he agreed. The problem is I have no idea how to break the pattern addict/avoidant. I cannot imagine that I will never talk to my ex again, when this happens, I have such anxiety, that I want to self-hurt only to not feel fear and pain. I react to abandonment terribly.
I need to somehow deal with all this, I read all I could and I cannot afford therapy now, but I definitely need some advise.:)
You talk much about your ex, wanting us to analyse him, when the attention should be on yourself, as to why you are compelled to seek him out and to keep contact with him in the first place. He is a lost cause. You can't control him, but you CAN control yourself and seek healing for yourself. This will be a life-long task.
You have come to the right place. You will meet many people here at many stages of recovery. You will be able to read through various forum threads and find situations similar to your own and be able to track the recovery process. Some, sady, relapse time and time again. The trick is to keep coming back and to not give up, because life truly can be beautiful. You will see the sunshine and find a life outside of pain, this is possible, though it takes courage and a lot of work.
You said that you cannot afford therapy--that's ok. If you can get a couple of good books and commit to coming on this site daily, or at least weekly, it's just as good if not better than therapy, because the women on here are living this and sharing their experiences.
Stick with it and you'll be amazed at how far you come. I don't consider myself fully "cured"--I have lapses where I have to re-calibrate, but when I look at my life now and 5 years ago it is just wow. I've come a long ways.
Take care and have hope. Things will get better for you.
Love Artgrrl
Thanks again.
I was involved with a married man once, as well. It is a terrible mind-fuck (pardon my language). It is also the ultimate betrayal to yourself, as they are unavailable from the get-go. You can exhaustively analyse why they do the things they do but ultimately your responsibility is to yourself, to be the best person you can be.
Hang in there, things will get better.
Maybe your marriage to the nice guy would be more fun and interesting if the avoidant guy was completey out of your life. One thing for sure: this avoidant guy is never going to commit to you. I highly recommend you read the book "MR. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue.
Beleive me, I relate a lot to your story because I'm going through a similar thing, where I cannot let go of this old love from the past and it is preventing me from happiness, and fully engaging with another partner.
Are you afraid of truly committing yourself fully to your husband? Sometimes we are the ones who are emotionally unavailable. Best wishes x
Welcome to the group. I hope you keep coming back and continue to share yourself with us. When I first joined this group I was in a painful relationship that relationship has since ended. I have gained a great amount of awareness since joining this group but even more so since reading the book- Women Who Love Too Much. Have you read it? It seems like you have gained some insight into your own patterns of relating with men. I think one of the greatest things about awareness is that it gives you an opportunity to make another choice. For me understanding that the feeling of excitement or the fantasy mode for me was not love but really just a temporary distraction has helped me to slow down and to avoid painful relationships. I am not perfect and really I don't think anyone gains perfection. What we do learn is alternative ways to interact, we learn to tell a different story or no story at all. For me learning to forgive others and myself has been instrumental in gaining new ground within recovery.
Recently, I realized that recovery did not have to be so painful but I do think that there is recovery in the pain as well. It is just that I have gotten to a place where the pain is more of a distraction then it is helpful. Suffering can drive all of us deeper but eventually we can release the suffering for more effective tools of recovery. I you have made a very wise choice for yourself -coming and joining the site, posting a very vulnerable post, all indicate to me that within you there is a desire to take care of yourself. No matter how small that is don't ignore that you have made a choice to help yourself. Keep building on that.