that's how my NH is. Calm. Fine. When we were speaking anyway. Even smiled a lot. Two different times he actually said to me "you look really good" just as he was ready to leave or I was closing the door. I never had him come in just met him at the door. Those encounters about killed me and left me so absolutely emotionally shaken up that I actually literally would physically be SHAKING! and felt like I would throw up. It's why I have been able to stay with NC. I don't trust myself emotionally around him. I can't remain calm and I show so much on my face. I'm sure he is reading me like a book. It only made me feel that much worse that he could be sooooo calm and fine and easy going and I was a wreck.

The truth is... I am probably still in love with him. In nearly every single relationship in my life I have been able to eventually let my feelings die before it ended. Even with my mother. There was only one relationship that, that didn't happen. My first love. He just suddenly dropped me. And moved on. Doing all the things with her that he never did with me. It was horrible. He treated me so horrible. He pursued me hard and got me hooked and now that I am actually typing this and realizing this omg he was my first N. He drank all the time and he was a total bad boy. He had so much charisma that he literally had a following of guys that followed him where ever he went and he was like their leader. He would drink constantly. He too was younger then me, but was very wordly for his age...and like now, I was very innocent about so much. I fell deeeeeeeeplly in love with him. There was no closure.

I could never explain the devastation of how he handled things with me or the way that he ended things with me or anything to anyone. It took me 4 years to get over him and only then did I feel like I could move on with my first husband who was 'safe' but I wasn't in love with him and there was no chemistry between us. Definitely NOT a bad boy but very much a mama's boy.

It seemed like the pain would never end. I dated others but the wound never seemed to heal right. I settled for my first husband because I thought he WAS safe. He wasn't. For the first 6 months he was great that we were married and then he changed and I didn't recognize him anymore.

ugh. I keep finding these N's in my life.

The thing is.. my first love.. he DID change. He became this great guy. It took years for him to grow up etc but he did eventually do it. He got married a second time and settled down and now he has a family of girls (2 of his own, and two from her previous marriage) and he says that God is teaching him a lesson by having him have girls for the way he treated them. He is very high level at Little Caesers Pizza.

Maybe he is like what my therapist thinks my husbaNd may possibly be now. Verrrryyy immature with N traits. If that is the case there is always the possibility that there is hope. I have no idea because I haven't even allowed myself to think that way....

The thing is there really isn't any hope regardless because he hasn't shown any interest in working anything out with me. He doesn't even speak to me..... so it seems pretty clear to me that he isn't interested in me at all at this point... so I guess that is my answer even if he isn't N. :(

There's no hope regardless in my situation.

sending you strength to get through this time Dracona....

yah, mine has suddenly vowed to me that he would make it right, that he dont know why he did what he did and it was immature of him and wrong. that he has some growing to do of his own too, and acknowledges his faults in all this. so im just sitting back and watching. oh really... im a disbeliever. it would be nice if someone proved me wrong, just once proved to be someone who could hold on to their word. but even if he did, im not sure i could be with him again. even so its too soon to be even thinking about those things, lets see if he gets there, then think about it. I know, when i made a mistake with my nice guy ex and wanted to try it again when i realized that i had been closed off and harsh towards him, i did everything i could to make it right, every day. and in the end it still didnt work because now he was closed off. maybe once something happens that breaks a trust its over. because how can you trust again? even if nothing happens for years, it will always be in my mind that it will. and this guy didnt cheat on me.... not physically. but lied to me about hanging out with his looney ex knowing my feelings about her, and stood up for her when i confronted him.... saying she was his best friend.
whatever doosh. if you are with ME, then you should be home with ME. you should not be out with other chicks without my approval, and im not a super jealous crazy person... im very understanding.
and this girl is nuts. expects everyone to "help" her out of her situation. even said to me that it wasnt fair that she had to watch us enjoy luxuries of life while she sat in silence. ok. GET A JOB. who cares if you dont like it. I work for what she considers luxuries. i feel repetitive. i probably am. im tired of it all... my mind spins. i just have to wait. time will tell. but my apartment is cozy, my horses will be here, my dogs.. and my daughter. what more do i need.

thank you goingup, and ladesse, i know how you feel. i dont feel that way about this guy, but i had an ex in the past like that. and that guy could flip like no other, one minute calm and peaceful, the next minute im crying hysterically and he is flipping me off on his way out the door and i dont even know what happened.

I think that when we are really upset, we expect them to see our pain, to comfort us, to see that they caused it and when they remain calm, non-chalantly like its nothing, it hurts us even more, reassures us that they really dont care. they dont care that we have been reduced to a state of absolute vulnerability. and its like in those moments of complete irrationality, that they are the only one who can make it stop. when we learn to control ourselves, and our reactions to our emotions, we take the power away from them.
they have complete control until we learn to do so, and i never want to be at the mercy of a man like that again. so we work, we read, we practice growing stronger. we know pain.... if you know whats coming its easier to deal with, no one can ever hurt you like the first time... and honestly, i think after a few times of the same old shit, it kinda becomes a joke, like oh, here we go again. ok... go throw a fit, ok, now explain yourself to try to reel me back in.... ok, flowers... yah... oh talking marriage now? and i truly honestly, laughed in his face.

Ive never had an ex change. i thought they had, but then they prove eventually to be the same. maybe this one will, maybe he wont... im not sure i care.
i do think though, that once you have been hit by an N... that you tend to think EVERYONE is an N, or out to get you, and there are such things as mistakes in relationships and normal and rough breakups that cause disgruntled feelings. if you have been with several... then its hard to fathom what its like to be with someone who truly isnt. its hard to find where to draw the line. and you really cant figure it out.... all you can do is establish your boundries, and HOLD THEM TIGHT. dont even let anyone test them. they are the guardians of your sanity, and i will never let a man define me again.

I am so proud of you for making this break so quickly and calmly. Progress my friend, progress!!!

Big hugz to you...so very very proud of you. much love to you Dracona!!!!

thanks :) and even in the future if he does prove himself, though im not banking on it, then he will know i will stand for nothing, and he will not ever get away with disrespecting me.