Hi Doreann,

That's an excellent question. It is one I'm struggling with daily. I think I'm making progress, but I'm still actively battling the voice in my head that says it's not an unhealthy pattern, it's true love. That voice is relentless and overpowering. I just ordered a gift for a friend's wedding and was having a pretty healthy normal day (relatively free of the panic and hopelessness that's usually there when I'm actively fending off the fantasy), and with a vengeance, the voice flared up. Along with that, the racing heart, struggle to breathe, upset stomach, desperation to text him and beg him to get how powerful and real our connection is, to make it happen and stop making me suffer. For now I just have to keep giving the seemingly very small healthy part of my brain the last word. This is the me deep down that logically knows that the painful love I felt for an emotionally unavailable man was not real and will never be.

Also, I think it's good to keep in mind that getting there isn't going to be a linear process. Once I figured out what I needed to do, it was very overwhelming. How does one start from scratch at reinventing one's self once you figure out that everything in your life you thought you knew about love was wrong? It's incredibly painful and confusing. So I'm starting day by day with finding at least one thing I know that is something I love that I have always loved and nobody can take away from me. For me that is swimming. When I'm swimming, I feel sure that I am confident and at home in my own skin. And for at least that hour, I am content. I'm hoping that it will have a domino effect, since after swimming, the confidence and courage builds and I'm able to feel a little less hollow and stay open to feeling the love of friends and family.

I hope this is a helpful thought or two to start with. This site helps a lot too. It's validating to have a safe place to share the thoughts I feel like no one else could possibly get, no matter how much they want to make things better for me. You are not alone!

Thank you dayone! Your reply means a lot. :)

Hi Doreann,

You asked a great question and I think Dayone answered beautifully. I read something once that said "you cant get there from here." To me that is a reminder that if the premise is false all action to it will be as well. We have to look not so much as the fantasy but rather at what is the driving force or premise behind the fantasy. What do you need to be saved from? It took me a long time to realize that my controlling, manipulating, and obsessing was not about love. It took even longer for me to realize that the fantasy was not about love either.

Connecting the fantasy to the pain and wanting of my childhood helped to dispel the fantasy. I think you are asking the right question and eventually you will find the answers that are right for you. Like Dayone I have also used physical activity as the start of my own love story. I do it to lose weight but even more than that I do it because it feels good. And what feels even better is that I am the one that is making me feel good. I have also started writing and that feels good to. I think that we all hold a dream for ourselves and I am learning that -that is okay. I just have to be careful that I am not using the dream to escape from reality. I think the healthier we get the healthier the fantasies get. Now I fantasize about going on a trip alone, relaxing and getting a massage. I fantasize about my dream job, my dream home, and being whole- even if that is alone. I fantasize about walking away from unavailable men, I fantasize about my recovery, I fantasize about not caring if he calls because my life is so full.

It occurs to me strongly right now that you and we may not be the problem. There are so many boys out there and even septuganerian boys who are not men and never will be.. And now with the EXPLOSION of pron and available females online they are just worthless to a good person such as I am sure we are.
This is a cultural problem and I have no solution. I have been talking to GOD about it. It sure is systemic and as we have more children without good role models it will be worse . women are stronger and better people and maybe GOD is saying we need to know we are enough first.. We come in to this life alone and we will leave alone-and we are holding our breaths to actually live because of supplanted ideas. I have the same problem, I have been agonizing alternately over it for a year now this time and know it stemmed from my childhood -no Father-divorced from my Narcissistic Mother since I was 5 and she turned my brothers and sister into her sycophantic flying monkeys against me. But GOD gave m me a Grandmother and a woman who worked in our home who loved me and a joyful spirit -oh and talent and brains and balz. But you will see me come back with the same concerns as you. I think we have slim pickings and yet still get that GOD wants us to know he made us complete

XE, I have to say I think that explanation avoids responsibility. yes there are plenty of peter pans out there. but that that doesn't explain why we as WWLTM consistently choose peter pans. it doesn't explain why we stay and strive when our needs are clearly not being met. i've walked away from plenty of good stable men bc there was no "spark." But my experiences ALL support the fact that the spark does not lead to happiness. i like the idea that God wants us to know he made us complete. Maybe the cultural problem we have is how few women recognize that. Maybe the reason there is an explosion of unavailable men is because they are being parented by women who have a compromised sense of self worth. maybe we are living in a time of cultural shift as self awareness blossoms among women and the future will hold a new paradigm of what it means to be whole and fulfilled. maybe we're just the pioneers :) (i'm having a good day, can you tell?)

I, too, agree that until we stop looking at him, wanting him, and blaming him our work has really not even begun. But it is so easy to focus on others really that is a part of the disease process- the obsession, the fantasy, the distraction. For most of my relationships I was in pain when I met him and so was he. For me it was not the spark that drew me unto the next unavailable man it was the feeling of familiarity, the belief that because he needed me I was safer.

Since I have been struggling with this very issue for some time now, it seems to be getting worse lately, I went on line to do some more research (don't we spend a lot of time on line trying to heal, that is how I found this support group by the way, a true Godsend) and low and behold in my Amazon cart were two books I had been thinking about purchasing and for some reason never did. I read the reviews again and ordered them. Has anyone read either of these two books:
*Getting Past your Breakup
&
*When He leaves

After I purchased them I was able to get an on line version of When he Leaves and oh my gosh, I started tearing up right away. I can't wait to get this book and can tell I will read it cover to cover as soon as I receive it. I will let you know how they both are after I read them.

yes please yougo!

and izzy this - "Now I fantasize about going on a trip alone, relaxing and getting a massage. I fantasize about my dream job, my dream home, and being whole- even if that is alone. I fantasize about walking away from unavailable men, I fantasize about my recovery, I fantasize about not caring if he calls because my life is so full." is something i'm going to try to adopt.