Let me put my psych degree to use here :-/ Let's start with Cognitive Dissonance. You have opposite ideas competing with each other. On one hand you want to talk to him but on the other hand you anxious and overwhelmed about it all (understandable). On one hand you are hearing him say he doesn't want you (sucks) and on the other you are thinking he only said that because he was angry. You are blaming yourself (your heart) when you logically know (in your head) that you had no control over the situation or his choices. You want to talk to him in some hopes you will understand an inconceivable situation. I feel there is a little PTSD going on here as well. Your ex tried to kill someone in your driveway!! You felt safe while he was in Jail. Comfort and safety keep triggers at bay. His release has triggered memories of the event and thrown you into an anxious tailspin. You may be waking up in the middle of the night as if it just happened. Am I close? I am sorry you are going through this. Breathe deep, think positive, and apply all you have learned. You will make it through this. We are here to help!

i worry about you b/c of your severe ptsd. and your daughter. i'm not quite sure what you're asking but i understand your mixed emotions as angel has....cognitive dissonance. just remember it's always possible to have two opposing emotions at the same time...a dialectic.... we are complex creatures...

i think i would want to call too just because i would want to hear his voice and have a sense of where i stood. if he was coming after me. i would feel out of control. i only know this b/c i've been through it too. but i think i heard you say you would not contact him??? that is the best course of action. leave him alone. do you have a retraining order??? why not??? for god's sake get one if you don't. and CALL 911 if he comes anywhere near you. he is a dangerous man.

did he have a weapon? was he trying to kill your new boyfriend??

are you sleeping?? flashbacks??

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((dracona))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) here for you sister.

Thank you finny and Undercover. Cognitive dissonance is one of the terms on my list i was hoping people could identify. along with trauma bonding and disassociation. I do have pretty severe PTSD. but i have noticed, that ever since i moved out from him, i have been TONS better, i havent triggered like i was, it was a daily occurrence. I have had a couple nightmares, that had nothing to do with him but horrific enough to keep me from sleeping. You hit it pretty spot on Undercover.

Its been a couple days, i'm a bit calmer now. strangely, the man who was run over protecting us, is turning out to be a very good grounding person to be around. He can see when im triggered, and without even calling me out or asking me to talk about it, will simply make me breakfast in bed, or offer to take my daughter to play with his son so i can have some alone time. will drive out to where i live in the sticks to make sure im ok.

I do miss what my ex could have been to me... but thats half the battle we fight. could have beens... should have beens... holding on to promises that have already been broken hoping they will somehow undo the brokenness and be true again...

What a great way to put it - "holding on to promises that have already been broken hoping they will somehow undo the brokenness and be true again" ugh! Thank you for those words Dracona. Many hugs and much love to you!

We were in love with a fantasy, a story, what they could have been.

What we desperately wanted them to be.