Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Often enough, i'm sure we all know this feeling ladies... it feels like someone dear to us has died. we cant make sense of why we feel so distraught.
Here is the kicker... someone DID die to us. more often than not we were living in a fantasy world of promises that never come into play. The man we are so in love with and would do anything for is in fact NOT the same man standing in front of us, the man who hurts us and confuses us. Our realization of truth is also a revelation that the man we have poured our heart and soul into for so long, does not truly exist. This is similar to death, the man we loved is gone. It's painful. we don't want to let go. Its not just withdrawal... its a grieving process. We need time to accept that the man we thought we loved never truly existed. and that is also why we need no contact... because contact just enforces the fantasy, like someone saying they can bring the dead back to life, and in different stages, we will accept anything to just have our "loved one" back again.
7 stages of grief http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
Here is the kicker... someone DID die to us. more often than not we were living in a fantasy world of promises that never come into play. The man we are so in love with and would do anything for is in fact NOT the same man standing in front of us, the man who hurts us and confuses us. Our realization of truth is also a revelation that the man we have poured our heart and soul into for so long, does not truly exist. This is similar to death, the man we loved is gone. It's painful. we don't want to let go. Its not just withdrawal... its a grieving process. We need time to accept that the man we thought we loved never truly existed. and that is also why we need no contact... because contact just enforces the fantasy, like someone saying they can bring the dead back to life, and in different stages, we will accept anything to just have our "loved one" back again.
7 stages of grief http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
"Pain . . . It’s okay to feel pain, I tell myself. Even if the pain I feel is for something that never was. Pain for an illusion, a dream, a fantasy tailored to my deepest needs. Grief. It’s real, it’s raw, it’s ripping through me and I just have to let it.
The worst part is feeling . . . the finality of it, like a type of death."
Thank you for posting this, it's a vivid reminder that I'm not alone.
it takes tremendous strength and resolve to leave an unhealthy relationship.
I was so into the fantasy too that I neglected to notice the signs that he was cheating on me. And when I went no contact yes I felt as if someone had died.
I would like to add too that I felt like I had also died! I believe I felt this way because I had made my whole life about him. There was no me. So when he went away, so did I. I was left alone with an empty shell of a human. This was the loneliness from Hell. It wasnt until I began to find small pieces of myself that I did not feel so alone.
I try desperately not to go to fantasy land. Its not right to put someone up on that pedastol. It only leaves space for them to fall.
It's very discouraging, despite the flashes of hope. I'm bone weary of being in this state. I wish I could feel like I was making real progress. But the pain is so debilitating that I think what I'm doing is really just shoving it into some corner of my mind -- putting a big bandaid on it rather than actually dealing with it. Therapy is out, since I don't have the cash (my work has all but dried up this past month). I've been journaling, but it's slow going. I've been staying active, eating right, going to the gym, forcing myself out to see friends; I've been cheerleading myself, trying to be my own best friend, trying to stay positive and upbeat, view the chain of events through the lens of brutal realism, talk myself out of nostalgia, nip any longing in the bud. I'm doing all the right things. I understand how the mechanism [of this destructive involvement with an unavailable man] worked. I can see how by trying to save him, I really wanted to save myself. I know I need to nurture myself, pour all the love and compassion I had for him into the great big pit of Me, but -- damn! I am SO disheartened by times. I just want to throw in the towel, crawl into bed and stay there -- forever.
Thanks for letting me rant.
Do you need some company cause I could use a rest myself.
mad i know but if i could just walk away without hurting i would