Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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Dracona 09/07/2012

OK, my own current situation has gone on for a while now. im at a point in my recovery where my im having trouble trusting myself... where i think everyone is out to get me. or at least feel that way.

I have been dating someone off and on for over a year now. everything with him seems borderline. he could be lying, but he could simply be that busy. well, he is that busy, and most times when he has time, he is here.
he knows about my PTSD and tries to help me deal with it. i feel nuts lately. he says he wants to be with me and loves me, but he wants me to be happy with myself and find my center before he is in a relationship with me. it sounds like poop, but he has seen me on my knees in pain many many times with flashbacks or my emotions ping ponging around until i recluse. now im at the point where i either want the relationship, or i want to be alone.
ive told him this many times recently. he still says he wants me to be ok with me. but he is here all the time. and he comes when i call. he always answers his phone or texts. so he doesnt show the signs of someone who is trying to hurt me... but IM not sure how to just let it happen. I feel like i have to control the situation. which doesnt make any sense because its not that im afraid of losing him or afraid of getting hurt. hell, i left to begin with. he also says he is scared of me leaving any time a problem arises and wants to make sure we are strong people individually now before we are an official union again.
he is so different from anyone ive ever met its frustrating. i care about him, love him even, but not like i have in the past. and well, the past is HAUNTING me.
he's probably right, i dont need to be in a relationship and need to do more work on me. but still. i want that label now. its been a long time since i had that label. over a year now.
geesh. im just a mess. ha. im just wondering if i should tell him to go away and just deal with being sad about it, or let things go as they have been. he is emotionally available most the time... but not with the label.
ugh. what a frustrating little man.

Dracona 09/07/2012

I ask you to keep my on track, what does this sound like to you? i know me writing it and you all reading it is two different things. am i being honest with myself?

deleted_user 09/07/2012

hmmm.... it sounds like you know what you are doing ..... i don't see any signs of you not being on track and you are being honest (no excuses just how you are feeling) i would keep doing what you are doing.... Oprah always said if you don't know what to do do nothing... so right now just keep doing the same until you know... you are smart and being honest so you wil know when you know.... : ) hope this helps... i have to know that i know that i know before i can make decisions. trying to work on knowing right off the bat but until that happens I will be patient with my healing and know when and what i know when i know it and be comfortable and confident in myself, and my decisions

Dracona 09/07/2012

thanks chutz, doing nothing sounds good right about now. then everytime i make a resolve to do nothing i have a little moment of freakoutness. during my calmer moments, i just try to figure, that time will pass regardless, and the future will come, and then i will know. and i will be whereever i am. :) i need a bonzai tree lol.

deleted_user 09/08/2012

I think that when you say that you love him but differently than you did in the past it means that you love him for real. Not in the addictive way that we love. From what you say, this guy really cares about you. Your heart will tell you what to do. You're a strong and brave woman.

deleted_user 09/08/2012

Dracona, thinking of you. It does sound like there is a solid connection and something to nurture.
There is a part of me that hopes that someone would stick with a person through a difficult time but also push them to seek help, heal and progress. I don't like the limbo state of hanging out without a label either.
Do you want to be with him in a relationship right now?
What feels right to you?

Dracona 09/08/2012

I think the label would help with my insecurities. cause without the label I feel like im floating and my crazy thoughts take over. and my memories and my ptsd acts up.... says things like yah, he probably ran in the bathroom to text some chick and tell her that he cant make it over cause of some excuse cause he is staying with me. i dont know. i hate the crazies. but its also why he says we arent together... cause of the crazies. he wants me to be secure before we are together. wants me to be secure with msyelf. says if we got together like this, then it would jsut be one issue on top of another.
im not sure if its the crazies talking, or my intuition. but part of me says its just an excuse. and the rational part of me says it makes sense. but at this point its giving me too much grief to want any of it, but i do love the man. ugh. frustration. I just dont want to fall into old patterns.

deleted_user 09/08/2012

I understand the frustration and wish you all the best.

deleted_user 09/08/2012

actually it kind of sounds like he may be using your honesty with him about your past patterns as an excuse. my n uses those excuses too, if he is telling you are crazy that isn't a good thing. you seem to have done a lot of work on yourself .... we aren't crazy for loving someone and wanting them to love us where we are at just like we do them, and want a commited relationship... it has been over a year??? of dating him?? i have been told by too many men that i am crazy because i love them and want to be treated well and secure in the relationship. there is nothing wrong with wanting a man to get on his kneee and ask for our hand in marriage, for someone to want us completly not just bits and pieces.... you will know when you know..

i don't know the answers,,, but if and when i ever start dating or meet someone I am not going to share with them my inscurities of past relationships.... i am going to be myself, be loving yet strong, i am changing my behaviors and will not wear my heart on my sleeve and give them any amunition to use against me... if they love me and our relationship moves forward naturally i will be in other wise i am going to not wait around for ever.... the millionaire match maker says if someone doesn't know after 6 months they are just playing us.. all i know is i am tired of being a stupid girl and need to change my ways before i will find a man who won't take me for granted.... the whole idea makes me sick right now so i am prob not the best person to give advice

Dracona 09/08/2012

the thing that is tough with him, is everything seems borderline. it could be, but it could just as well easily couldnt be. he is in ROTC in college, the oldest rotc member. he is in school 4-5 days a week from 4 am to possibly 8 at night depending. he see's me at least 3 times a week. we are both broke right now, so there isnt much outing time. but he does come. he does know my past. and i know his. we both agree that we moved too fast in the beginning. when i split from him i had no intention of going back. but something draws us together, not the moth to the flame sort of thing... but something else. i left him last october. its almost been a year, and since then we have both gotten busier with our career paths.

I know it will all figure itself out soon. or someday. but right now i wish i knew. im beginning to feel awkward about the whole thing. im unsure if it is me now... cause yes i can be harsh. yes, i am difficult. yes, i think EVERYONE is gonna get me once they get close to me...

Im just trying to let him be him. let him do him. and try to be me in the process without compromising myself. cause i want to. there is this sick pull in me that wants to be that person again, that sacrificial lamb. to put themselves out there on a railroad track with the train coming.
either way this is good for me. I am learning. I am learning as i go with this. either way i am still me.

deleted_user 09/08/2012

see you do know what you are doing.... just be in the moment and see where each moment leads you... ending things before you know for sure isnt good either just as dragging things out like i usually do for ever and ever and ever and ever isn't good.... BALANCE

Dracona 09/09/2012

yah. its just to the point where i feel unbalanced, and that is the problem. i dont feel right about it anymore.
the angry side of me says, take me as i am. youve known me for a while now, or leave me alone.
so ive decided to give up. im not gonna call him. im not going to write him or even text him. ill just back off and say nothing. silence sometimes is the best way to find out something. ill keep my thoughts to myself. i wont act happy, but i wont act disgruntled with the whole situation either. and if he really knows me, then he knows when i am quiet its out of character for me and will want to get to the bottom of it. if he thinks everything is great and then asks me to be with him... then i know there is a problem and its time to let it all go.

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