Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
The chemical in us mentioned by Dracona on the Love Addiction post?! - I definitely am feeling Oxytocin withdrawal at the moment!
My H is usually a man who needs intimacy every morning and sometimes in the afternoons too. This stopped last week. I am in a right state. Trying to keep calm but seconds away from panic about it!
Two reasons, I feel my 'use' to him is for sex.
Secondly, he had affairs because his past wives didn't/wouldnt have sex with him.
I feel undesirable and lost. Swooping from feelings of panic to rejection.
I know I shouldn't feel this way and Im trying to stay calm, but its hard work and exhausting?! I feel totally thrown by this! Im not sexually frustrated, but this is deeper than that. Its not the sex I miss.
And when this time-out happens, the time off sex, then I disconnect from him and have trouble re-connecting again.
By the way: his explanation is that he is busy with work ( yes thats true he is, its the end of term and we run a swimming school) but he's been busy before and this didn't happen.
Im trying to be helpful and understanding! but I fear I am being a narky cow to be honest. Im confused and rejected. But I have a constant battle with myself that this isn't my fault and he IS actually tired. Its just so unlike him and it scares me.
For someone who feels like I do, that my value is for sex and my Co-D its a tough one to handle. I haven't handles it very well so far but if you have any tips girls…..
My H is usually a man who needs intimacy every morning and sometimes in the afternoons too. This stopped last week. I am in a right state. Trying to keep calm but seconds away from panic about it!
Two reasons, I feel my 'use' to him is for sex.
Secondly, he had affairs because his past wives didn't/wouldnt have sex with him.
I feel undesirable and lost. Swooping from feelings of panic to rejection.
I know I shouldn't feel this way and Im trying to stay calm, but its hard work and exhausting?! I feel totally thrown by this! Im not sexually frustrated, but this is deeper than that. Its not the sex I miss.
And when this time-out happens, the time off sex, then I disconnect from him and have trouble re-connecting again.
By the way: his explanation is that he is busy with work ( yes thats true he is, its the end of term and we run a swimming school) but he's been busy before and this didn't happen.
Im trying to be helpful and understanding! but I fear I am being a narky cow to be honest. Im confused and rejected. But I have a constant battle with myself that this isn't my fault and he IS actually tired. Its just so unlike him and it scares me.
For someone who feels like I do, that my value is for sex and my Co-D its a tough one to handle. I haven't handles it very well so far but if you have any tips girls…..
x
i know you get that logically. i feel like you are really emotionally dysregulated and you need help with that. DBT help. did you ever get that marsha linehan workbook?????
http://www.amazon.com/Training-Treating-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/0898620341/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396971832&sr=8-1&keywords=marsha+linehan
the reason you may not be able to help it and the reason it could feel so INTENSE is if you are TERRIFIED OF REJEC?TION AND ABANDONMENT. literally terrified. frozen. also if you don't have much of an identity there's nothing to grab onto to change.
i think distress tolerance and mindfulness are key for you.............but that's just b/c i have been emotionally dysregulated too. i have some borderline traits and inside i feel like a couple of years ago i could have related to you. i'm much better now.....people on the bpd continuum have extreme emotional pain and desperate terror..... i really hold you up high to the light.
my tip for you is to buy that book specifically and start working on distress tolerance skills..........
I was on my knees yesterday and understood totally what you said when you said I would know when I have hit rock bottom.
He was late home from work by an hour - and I was a mess. I even slumped on the floor crying like a baby,. ..I was so scared. I felt like i was going to be sick, The pain was so intense. I tried to talk myself out of it - come on Jax, what if you had been running late you wouldn't expect him to be upset would you?! …that kind of thing. Well if He communicated at all, such as a little text to say he was leaving I wouldn't have worried at all…but thats the way he is. Its not him I can change but Me.
It was awful, been awful all week. Im getting nothing done, I am ,l ike you say, frozen.
Of course he swans through the door with a big smile….
but thank you for your help Finn. I am expecting the book in the morning. Now He knows about things a bit more, I can be less secretive about reading things, so I have ordered the hard copy rather than the kindle version which I find it difficult to work though the exercises with.
hugs
hope you friends horses are ok - update us when you can
xxxxx
i never learned coping skills as a kid.....i have found lots of women haven't....perhaps you will learn what you should have learned in childhood.....remember to keep breathing from deep in the belly not your chest.....
when you're frozen and dissociated and terrified and don't know how to make it better, sometimes you have to bring it back to the basics and remember to breathe. and take a drink of water. take a bath. have a cry. do the very basics until you can breathe again....
it's excruciating. the fear is suffocating.
tell us what one thing can you do today for yourself to get through the rest of your night? what if he's late again? in ten years when you look back on this situation, your bottom, how do yu want to see yourself having handled it????
HELL YEH!!!
x
On one of my self-help books on PTSD they suggest finding a way when you are triggered to re-ground yourself - someone said they have a drink of ice water. I like this as it would physically bring you back, and it would help me in social situations when my hands shake so much I can't hold a drink! They shake usually when I see my H talking to a woman or being inappropriately friendly my daughter says! x
i still do this when i feel like panicking. this is a distress tolerance skill.......
Well we are house hunting,…just viewed a house together…of course he objects to every property I love!!!
…as we were leaving the last property I said, thanks for your time - the sexy YOUNG agent said " well, you brightened my afternoon, its been my pleasure! "
" I threw back at him a cheeky smile and a bit of a flutter ….' mmm and mine too!!! ' And I got in the car with my rather grumpy bossy H….with a bit of a flush and more of a twinkle in my eye than Ive had for a long time!!!
xxx
The plan is to save some money to buy. My thinking is that should we split up I want some funds available to do that!
If we move out of town I am more hopeful of a car….if not, I am more hopeful of a divorce!!! lol.
I know it seems strange but we have to move out and Im not ready to go yet. I still need time and space to work on me while he brings in the bucks. If I have a car I can get out and create my own life and get stronger.
I realised from my reaction towards hot agent that I am not in love with my Husband. This shames me somewhat but its a reality I am facing. I know, if I looked at the Agent that way Im not settled with my H.
Of course it could mean that I am running away from this rather than sorting it. I am aware a lot of my issues with him and his behaviour is from me. I mean I can't even tell him how I feel about the car, I can't talk to him about my needs. …don't think it would be any different with anyone else, I'm not so sure about that though.
I was starting to type him an email about how I feel about not having a car….and I realised that Im not sure if I have actually told him how it makes me feel. Have I just been stewing on all this resentment about him selling my car without him understanding what it meant to me?! I mean, men aren't psychic eh!
SO I know I do not express what I need.
And moving house is the perfect opportunity for me to try and do that.
It is very difficult, I just freeze.
x
what if you just said it out loud without thinking about it??? i want a car and feel that i need a car honey. once it's out there's no going back. you will just deal with it. you dyed your hair red!! you can just blurt it out. it's not a harmful thing.just start the conversation. the worst thing he can do is say no. or start a fight in which case you could just leave the room and say this is not something i'm going to fight about. it's what i expect to have happen. sometimes men need some time to turn over ideas in their heads and get used to rule changes...... he'll come around probably. you don't have to describe how you feel about it. you don't. just tell him without overthingking it what your expectations are. maybe that timing is after you move out of town and not now but i think us fawn tyhpes overthink things..... there's nothing wrong with wanting a car. you're a grown woman!
I did mention it yesterday, and he said - do you even know how much it costs to run a car?!….( I have had my own car for 30 years!!!)
I said - well its cheaper than a divorce…. and left it there hanging!!!
why would he even think I am that dumb FFS!!!!?
x
i'm so super proud of you!!!!
just do it and then see what happens......you can always take a time out and post here to get re grounded and then roll up your sleeves with clarity and go back to the discussion. he can't hurt you sunny.........
if he used that as a lame ass excuse to have an affair then you have your get away car!!!! that would be pathetic!!! he cannot hurt you. you are a strong woman in many ways many many ways....dye your hair red again!!! and leave it!!! i'll be it suits you well!!
as for my hair - I bleached it out as I really want to go PINK!!!
Doing it today! I always loved colouring my hair - I used to have pink and blue streaks in it a few years ago….theres so much around these days.
How are you Finn?
Hows the food thing?
I have had so many issues with food over the years. I was bulimic and a laxative abuser ( ugh!) for years. Its messed up my system good n proper. i need to lose about a stone and half to help my pain in my hips. I try and think of it as a positive way to look after myself but its always close to getting obsessive and that feels horrible.
thanks for your support xxxx
you have the only key......
Girls -
I BOUGHT A CAR!!!
I saw it today when I was out with my daughter - it was like fate!
It belonged to an old man, it is a 2004 with only 46,000 miles on the clock. Its a little Ford Ka. A tiny car but for a small price ( £900) its immaculate. Nice leather seats though. Its a start and Im thrilled!!!
I thought this would never happen. I saw it and came home and told my Husband nicely that I had seen this car and would he come and check it out for/with me as I needed a car ? I was going to just put it on my credit card but he said don't worry, I will sort it out for you. I did make the point that long term its too small but heck…I have a CAR of my OWN! I registered it in my own name.
Its dark blue and shiny!
Normally I would be itching to put graphics on it but I will wait a while on that…..!!!
yahoooo!
xxx