ahhhhh. i love so much when gold nuggets loosen up!!!

you are trying your art camp right??? that's majorly engaging no???

love that, durn!

The same thought has crossed my mind about being needed. Thinking back on the whole messy, painful affair with my ex (who as you may remember struggles with addiction), I blame much of it on my need to be needed. Clearly I saw him as someone I could pour endless amounts of caring into. Classic WWLTM, isn't it? Seeking out someone who you can be indispensable to so that they will love you forever. Except that it doesn't work out like that in real life, as we all know...

Anyway, the keyword here is 'need.' I came to the same conclusion as you: that I need to create situations for myself where I am needed. But GOOD situations, not self-destructive ones. The fact that I've just spent the last year trying to give all the love I have to give to an unhealthy person who doesn't want it, doesn't at all take away from the fact that I have stuff to give. Nor that it feels good to give.

So I'm starting off with volunteering. Next month, instead of taking a vacation I'm going to spend two weeks volunteering on a farm where most of my job will be to feed and care for some animals. It's an organic, no-machinery farm, so it's something that resonates with me (I too want to justify taking up space on this planet). I'm also curious to see how being 'needed,' even by horses, chickens and donkeys, even just temporarily, affects me. At the very least, I'm hoping it'll jump-start my recovery. It'll let me distance myself from all these things here that remind me of him -- all these triggers that are working hard to break down my no-contact resolutions. I think it's super-important at this very vulnerable, fragile stage to do anything (healthy) that distracts me, anything that'll help turn my mind away from him. I don't have kids and I only work part-time, which means that right now I have way too much time and space to obsess. The smarter part of me knows that my time and energy and love are better off elsewhere...

Tokyorose - thats awesome! Love the sound of that farm….and I would call that a vacation too. ITs a great way to start.

I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I was a carer to my last husband and had plenty of time to relax and paint. I also had to look after him and I loved him. but he didn't want to live, I knew one day I would be in a different place….

so here I am with this Husband and without my children and no job ( I worked with special needs children before) and I am floundering around. My parents often get cross with me for 'floundering around' trying to find my place in the world when they say I already have one.
I also have waaaaay too much time on my hands. I paint but it seems so pointless as no one sees it….I am also conscious that I am painting what I think others want to see - something I also need to stop., one of my creative blocks. I think thats where my passion to teach creative therapy comes from.

Also I find it hard to just relax and enjoy 'being' as that doesn't justify my place on the planet….

stuff to work with though and I feel a bit more focussed for having discovered this...

I suspect it's easier to enjoy just 'being' when you are in a better place! Right now it sounds like you have too many questions gnawing at you. But also, maybe for people like you (and I think me too), fulfillment and the ability to enjoy 'being' only come through action. There's a really wonderful book by an Austrian psychiatrist named Viktor Frankl called "Man's Search for Meaning" and he talks about finding meaning by dedicating yourself to something outside of yourself... He went through the concentration camps and his take at the end of it all was that "the last of the human freedoms is the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." He lost his beloved wife and all his family and he was still able to come out with that! It's a super-inspiring book and it addresses the need we all have to make our lives meaningful.

PS. I totally know what you mean about painting what you think others want to see -- I paint/draw too and I have struggled with that BIG TIME. I felt like my art was just another reflection of my people-pleasing tendencies and it pissed me off!! I stopped for a long time but am slowly making my way back to it. My life right now is a big search for authenticity.

thanks for the book tip tokyo i've def heard of it but never read it...

12 step programs are basically a faith of service to others as i see it...and that's why miracles happen there...

we don't even have to have a full on volunteer gig to be of service to others, not including our families!! but i think we co dependents have to be careful where we need to be needed and where we are of service if we have nothing to give.

also someitmes i have felt shame that i had nothing to give....we have to fill ourselves up first...

i love your plans tokyo and i can't wait to hear about it!!! will you come share what you experienced?? and sunny service for you sounds like a great way to create meaning in your life....

my task now is to place some value on my service and start charging *my other coaching clients* it somehow feels wrong to me...

oooooooh Finn that is a VERY GOOD point about co-dependents being careful about needing to be needed. You are absolutely right to point out that for people like us, there's a fine line between satisfying our need to give (= feeling good) and over-giving (= feeling bad). I'm going to go away and think about that... maybe while I am feeding the donkeys... ;)

Re. shame / filling ourselves up first: but I thought filling yourself first up was necessary (not selfish)? i.e. so that your "giving" comes from the right place. I am (slowly!) learning that being generous and giving also involves making sure I'm not short-changing my own needs and values in order to give. In other words, establishing boundaries...

Good point Tokyo.

I am wary of getting involved in things where I know I will be sucked in and lose myself again - as in, can't say NO to anything! SO I am not going to approach or work in an environment like that. When I worked in a school for example they do take advantage but I was exhausted by all the things I committed to! and just frustrated by myself that I couldn't say No.