Miss,

What you wrote was extremely difficult to read. It was painful but it was truth as you see it.

I started to write to you that you are worthy, then I decided that I would write about not telling yourself a story, then....

I decided that I would just sit down with you and say yes that sucks to hell and back. It seems like your anger has shifted and now you are feeling sadness or maybe fear. It is early Sunday morning where I am at and my house is quiet. I have on warm socks, a cold glass of tea, and I am burning and incense. I am at this moment alone as well. But I am in peace and not in pain.

I try not to let myself go to that place...the place of family get together without a mate, raising my son alone, growing old alone. Those thoughts whether true or not scare me and I start to do things not to feel them. I start thinking of the ex, start thinking of the future guy and in the fantasy I give him my peace, my comfort, and my purpose. Then I open myself up to me, I start looking for the savior. When I meet someone I make an unspoken bargain with him. You are going to save me from my greatest fear...which is being alone with myself...and in exchange for that I will help you, I will be good, I will dishonor myself if need ne. I will live in the illusion of you and try hard never to see that you cant save me. I will struggle with your insecurities all the while hiding my own. I will infuse your humaneness with super human abilities. You will be able to erase all my childhood trauma, you will scrub away my self hatred, you will make every activity, every relationship, every encounter in my life worth living. You will give me purpose, you will love me unconditionally, you will be, have, do, know, explain, uncover, release, save, rescue, and prevent everything I can not. I must have you because without you I cannot be safe in the world, I have no purpose, I have no meaning, with out you, without someone I am no one.

And when you cant do it and when I cant have it. I will hate you for it and hate myself even more.

How can any of this be true?
Thank you Izzy.

How can I be so well, so intensely well when I've healed from yet another broken relationship - and then plummet into another frenzy of self-loathing? 4months ago I was at peace. I couldn't even fathom the thought of being in that wretched place again. I had built up this strength ( I thought) and I was ready, really ready to love and be loved.
Instead, I did as I always do, as you described here, I surrendered everything that makes me a person to another human being. I did that because he was relatively better than all the other men I've been with. I didn't notice that he was also fckd up, because he hid it with affection, attention, gentleness and a promise. His promise was to give me Home Depot.

My parents have been happily married for 58 years. I'm surrounded by ever lasting love. I had a good healthy childhood. My father is a good man who cherished me and always instilled good values in me...I mean he tried as much as an old school Italian man can.

so what happened to me? How did I get lost?

"His promise was to give me Home Depot." I love that it made me laugh out loud. I think the two of us could go on the road and do a show call " Shitting rainbows and Home Depot." We would be sold out every night with women crying, laughing, and begging for more.

But this is serious business so I will give a serious reply. I am so glad that you had a great childhood-that is a rarity on this site. Nothing happened to you and you maybe currently misplaced but not lost. I think that we/you could just change the lens a little a maybe see this differently. What if Life, The Universe, Love whatever you want to call the force (I call it Izzy) that supports us believes that you are ready to grow. So It decides that it will present you with an opportunity to see the places where you are growing but not quite healed. So, now you start asking yourself different questions. Ok, what am I feeling about myself now? Is it possible for me to end relationships or to be dumped without the self-loathing and if so, how? What if when I met a man I am not supposed to surrender all of the things that make me human? Is it possible to be in a relationship without feeling like he is the answer to my dreams? What if I can still have Home Depot, 6 min morning sex, quiet coffee, and drunken dinner parties, etc without a mate? Cause really you can have all the things you want without a partner.
What if I can be completely ok without a partner and what if when I am in a relationship I no longer have any beliefs that he is a necessity? What if all of my dreams for life can be lived with or without a partner?
I like these what if's better?

Amazing. I'm blown away by your raw ache around your dream Miss. I have a dream of being at my sink and seeing my man mow my lawn. Lol. I have had it for years and I have even had a few mow my lawn but it never becomes 'our' lawn. You want normal or what you think normal is or might look like. I get that.
Try to keep the three month timeframe of your relationship in mind when you are rifling through the files of soul mate, growing old together, that your needs were so exciting to him, that it was all happening. I think we can say it is all happening a year or two in, not that early.
Izzy your response is beautiful and amazing. You lend true insight. Thank you.

Miss
Our individual happiness is a very precious thing - if we give it to someone else to look after if they walk out the door for good they take our happiness with them. So it about creating and looking after that happiness ourselves (what ever happiness means to you).

You say that you had a good childhood and question why there are these patterns in your relationships. Will your Dad be a hard act to follow with regard to how much he loved you?? Just something to reflect on.

So sorry you are feeling sad but as they say (whom ever they are) feeling is healing....

I had a good day with family by the pool. We ate and drank and talked loudly and argued and laughed and I felt all of it. Sure, there was a dull ache at the back of my heart. I got through it.
Izzy, I read your post earlier today and I thought about it before respOnding. The truth is, I want to be with someone. I want to feel his breath at the back of my neck as we sleep. I want to argue about the bills and I want to iron his shirts. I can't even imagine not having a mate. I don't get lonely very much (when things are good and I'm not in the midst of getting over someone) - I do well alone. But it always feels like my in between place. This is not my permanent. My destination has always been with someone, my soulmate.
Yes, Lally, perhaps my bar has been set too high what with having been raised by a king of a man. My dad. A standup guy by all means. But I haven't even come close to meeting someone half as gOod as my papa. Not even close.

Creo, yes - 3 months - I feel very silly when I realize what I'm agonizing over. It's what kinda keeps me going, the ridiculousness of it all. This wasn't love.

This wasn't love.

Sorry -- I haven't been participating in these discussions as of late but I have to say this: Don't lower your bar!!!!! I've decided (FIRMLY) that I am not getting re-involved with my current ex unless he can step up to the plate and act like a man. And men don't disappear on people. Don't lower your standards. If you end up compromising yourself for some guy who doesn't meet them, you'll end up hating both him and yourself in the long run. Just my two cents.

Its good you have your Papa to refer back to as the basis for what you will accept. In one of the books I have read lately this is called the ground zero guy. The marker for all the guys you meet, if you can refer back to this when you meet someone then this is good - if they come off badly then don't carry on with them. This ground zero guy is the minimum you will accept. so establish in your mind what qualities your Papa had which make him this great guy and use that as your tool to decide if a guy is up to it or not.
Not sure that made sense but I hope you see what I mean.!!

Its ok to feel bad about this, we all do it. I met and married my current N husband while feeling this way !! I was vulnerable and scared about how I would cope on my own when I got old. It was silly but I can see where I was and how I got here so I guess I learnt from it!!!
Stay strong, this too will pass.

I know how you felt at the gathering, the dull ache, I used to feel like I was just going through the motions of happy, but felt disconnected from myself. I was just there in body.

I get it. I too want a mate (likely everyone here does). I have that dream and it has never died even after a parade of failed relationships (or learning opportunities, smile).
Even after the last one which was the worst one AND the best one but maybe I say that about all my men.
I went out Saturday night to dance and met a man who was a perfect gentleman to me (ie. Latin dancing but he never got too close and never tried anything including getting my number). I was both: NOOOOOOOOOO, I need to be alone and I am so bad at it and I will not find what I am looking for now and I am not ready and why does this always happen to me AND then I thought: Okay, experiment with this.
I move everything into--hey, is this my man? mode. Immediately. I am so relationship oriented that even dancing, I will usually attract and stay with one man as if he were my bf all night (I did dance with many other people so that was a departure but it looked like we were together). I felt okay about it but a gf said, "You are repeating your pattern. Step back. Does everyone have to be a potential suitor?"
This was in response to my saying that he had asked me when I would be back there and I said in a week. She said, "You made a date and you said you are not ready to date."
True.
And I always extinguish my pain with this sort of distraction. I felt a little better. I cried last night missing my ex but do I feel slightly better for the days that pass or for the acknowledgment that I am okay and I will find someone and all that???

Oh I so can relate, Creo.
I don't understand it but every time I meet a man, I immediately go into potential mate mode. I annoy myself, imagine how this translates to a man.
I start to picture our life together and I even ask the questions. WTF is that!??!

I think it's okay to extinguish the pain with a distraction - whatever it takes, I say.
in Eat pray love, I read this and it cracked me up: 'The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else'
LOL. Well wht the hell not!?
I'm not about to sleep with anyone, mainly because I can't even put myself there in my head but I welcome the attention. Right now, it's all about Cognitive behavioral therapy. Break the pattern, the thought process. Whatever it takes, break it.

I woke up different today. I was able to detach myself. I found myself telling the story to a friend who's been away and it wasn't as painful as it's been. I found I was not about to fall apart and I was able to tell her what happened matter of factly and not so much like the tragedy it has felt like thus far.

Some relief is here, thank Goodness.

Missmom75, i feel your pain ...and soooo relate to that wanting a mate thing. Good to hear you have some relief and are addressing things in therapy....

IzzyHC I so relate to 'will struggle with your insecurities all the while hiding my own'...I ended my 8 month relationship last week because of the constant struggles with his insecurity, lack of trust and extreme jealousy and control. A turning point had come when a friend said 'Why do you need/want to be with someone who has so many issues? Is it a distraction from your own?' and light bulb went off... When I m with a healthier guy, I feel my issues more present and feel scared of rejection...being with someone with so many issues makes me feel safe in a way, as in, they are more 'fucked up' than me so I can be the 'stronger' one..until I get sick of being the stronger one and holding the space for constant emotional crisis (while trying to single parent a very emotional six year old at the same time). Anyway, sharing that FWIW.