Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I am so sad today. I have once again caused myself extreme pain by my actions. I had no faith and no trust in my husband that I could talk to him and tell him that I wanted to get 1/2 my stuff. I went to his house while he was gone with his girlfriend and robbed his house literraly. I did not take everything, but a lot. It's not the taking of the stuff that hurts, it's him saying that now he cannot even trust me. That cuts like a knife. Did I not know this would happen? And yet I did it anyway. I cause my own pain.
I do not know how to go thru this stuff and cause myself the least amount of pain. I do not know how to do relationships. I do not know how to fix myself. I do not know how to love myself. None of it is about him. It is about me not wanting to sit with the pain. It is about me being terrified to be alone. It is about me constantly fighting off the critic in my brain that tells me I am not worthy of love.
So now what to do. Do I file for child support? Divorce? wait and do nothing? I am planning on moving out of the BF's and getting my own place with my son. The BF is not helping matters as he has absolutely no communication skills and is rude!
I do not know how to go thru this stuff and cause myself the least amount of pain. I do not know how to do relationships. I do not know how to fix myself. I do not know how to love myself. None of it is about him. It is about me not wanting to sit with the pain. It is about me being terrified to be alone. It is about me constantly fighting off the critic in my brain that tells me I am not worthy of love.
So now what to do. Do I file for child support? Divorce? wait and do nothing? I am planning on moving out of the BF's and getting my own place with my son. The BF is not helping matters as he has absolutely no communication skills and is rude!
In your situation, I worked out a budget based on my income and then filed for child support. My ex and I had a private arrangement, but he used to get so angry talking about money face to face, so I filed to the tax department as you do here and saved myself the stress of it all..The divorce came much later...when I felt stronger and the timing felt right...
You sound like you need to find a support network as the existing people in your life are not much help. Someone who came to see me about my son's health needs at a time when I was at rock bottom with regards to my marriage told me to think of all the people I knew and list them down. Then to identify one thing I could get from them in terms of support..She said not everyone in our life can be everything to us, but if you think of it as a community and reach out to different people for different things, then during times of crisis you get the support you need.
We are all here to support you...Sending you lots of love.
it makes sense to me that he doesn't trust you. from your affair. to living with your boyfriend, to wanting him back at the same time, to taking stuff while he was gone without a word. you're right your actions are causing you pain.
shani is it possible for you to move out of your boyfriends house, find a place for you and your son and just stay there for awhile. deal with one decision and adjustment at a time.
it may not be time to act on a divorce yet. decisions do not need to be made today in a state of confusion and chaos. i like to wait until the way is clear and i feel inspired to make a decision and take action but learning to tolerate the mess and wait for clear signs is very hard to do. i know you can do it.
my advice to you is to just STOP. stop reacting. sit still as much as you can. this is the only way it can bubble up. as long as you create chaos and confusion and keep reacting nothing can bubble up for you. you just stay in crisis and unrest. stop. THINK as we say in 12 step programs. think. we maybe can help you sort through some stuff...
the first thing would be to remove yourself from all romantic relationships, move out. stay single and learn how to tolerate pain as it bubbles up slowly. there really is no way i know of to tell you how to do any of this with the least amount of pain. you saying that clearly indicates what you are trying so hard to avoid. you can do this dear. you can get through this.
we do so much shit to avoid feeling the pain b/c it feels terrifying but the truth is it generally comes only as much as we can handle at a time. it will not come on all at once. we have very strong and amazing defense systems that protect us from that sort of terror overwhelm
try to let it happen......... do it for your son. show him that healing is possible. it's gonna suck. it's gonna hurt. you have us and hopefully a therapist. you will have to grieve. you will have to dig deep. it's gonna suck for awhile. you can either put that off and make it worse or you can STOP and get busy.......... you'll be okay........
I listened to Brene Brown-- on shame and vulnerability. I also listen to sermons, songs, Iyanla Vandzant. Sometimes I even watch reality tv at the gym just to be out of my head for a minute.
This is a time when you have to feed yourself the good stuff. This is the time to follow your bliss even if it is small--like changing your toothpaste to one you really want. This week I have really been enjoying decaff coffee so I have two -three cups a day- my throat feels good when I drink it my chest feels good when I drink it= For me doing what I enjoy really feeds me---start to listen and pay attention to what is working for you- what feels good- what is giving you relief- and what is making you stronger, peaceful and then keep doing it.