"He wanted me to greak out...so he'd have an excuse to deflect blame."

That sounds right to me. I've experienced similar things.

Your friend may have a point about your need for validation and maybe it's making you uncomfortable because you do see that thing in yourself which needs to be changed. But that does not mean that he wasn't disordered or doing some passive aggressive things to get you to leave him. Some people do that on purpose or subconsciously because they don't like themselves so they can't let anybody else like them either.

Oops I mean freak out. I'm not sure what a greak out would be. :P

You were both moving fast and then he withdrew. There's nothing wrong with you. But we can both learn to not jump in so fast.

If he had really been in it he would have found your attention and focus flattering. He would not have thrown all that shit on you. Don't let his lame-ass perspective bring you down. you wanted something and you went for it. Nothing wrong with that woman.

The thing is, HE lead the pace of the relationship. He lead you to believe he wanted something serious and intense. Then he freaked out and blamed YOU for expecting what he was giving and saying. How it is YOUR fault that you believed him? He couldn't deliver on his promise. He flaked out when he realized things were getting serious. Instead of stating that, he took off and blamed you.

These guys set up the intense pace, and then they suddenly want a ton of space, leaving us bewildered. Mine did the same thing. Then says to me "I don't want to move fast, all my relationships have moved fast and I don't want to do that again". Well YOU"RE the one that did it, not me!! Don't be coming over all the time, texting me nonstop, telling me you want me to meet your friends, family, coworkers, want to move closer (only half hour away) and everything and then act like I"M wrong for expecting you to follow through!

No, this is not your fault! If the relationship progressed at what I guess people consider a "normal" pace (I've never experienced one of these), then he could have space and distance. But he pushed it faster and you went along with it, believing he'd keep that pace (and had no reason to believe otherwise).

Thank you guys.
Gosh I really wish i coudl have one last conversation with him. I so want to get all thsi stuff off my chest. He SO flaked out on me! Funny, he always said how he's not the flake out type. My God, he invented teh term.

Sometimes I feel liek I will never forget him. :(

You may never forget him but eventually you will remember him without pain. I had the one last conversation you crave and it still didn't work. He kept to his story line it was all about me and I guess to him him might have felt the opposite. I think we should have those final conversation years later and I wonder if years later there would be a need for one. I cant think of anything I need to say or hear from an ex from long ago. He may give u the last conversation he might not. I guess you can ask but r u willing to take a no.

I totally understand your need to get that off your chest. I'm in the same position. I broke contact and have been texting mine. I plan to go over his place tomorrow to have that conversation with him. I don't know why, but I'm like you, I NEED it. My friends don't get it. They say to move on without that closure. But I can't. Maybe you can just write yours in an email and send it? If you feel comfortable with that and are prepared for what he might say, including no response. I can say I've done that with mine in the past. The first time I got a response, the next time I didn't.

I'm not thinking straight when I say that I want to talk to him one last time.
I'm thinking like someone who is attached to an outcome that involves a reunion of some sort. I mean let's face it, I want him back, I want him back the way he was before he changed. But that's a fantasy.

Also, although it doesn't feel like it, I have gained too much since we were last in contact. I am not willing to lose that credibility after the way things ended. His passive aggression beat me down, and I still asked for more. He said he'd think about it and that was the last time I saw him or spoke to him. It's silly but I like the romanticism associated with it. How I left it in his hands, let him hug me and then I walked away, having offered him my heart one last time. Of course he chose not to take it but at least my last words were honest, peaceful and dignified.
If I come at him now, after that, I'm risking a lot.

Hey missmom, I just want to say that after too many broken hearts and broken dreams, pain and misery, I know one thing, if a man wants me he will do whatever it takes to be with me! All the second guessing yourself and blaming ourselves and the what ifs just prolong the pain.

What I have not figured out is how to love a man without losing myself , and making him the reason for if I am happy or miserable.

You are absolutely right, bubbles. I am ruminating, that is all it is. In this constant loop - and it's exhausting.

I too lose myself in a man. I'm very lucky this time because I was on my way to a long painful non-relationship. Had I not ended it, it would have surely all been on his terms. And I would have destroyed myself.
I'm not there yet, but I'm recovering slowly. The relationship lasted 3 months. I'm thinking (hoping) that I'll be 100% in about 2-3 weeks.

i think you answered your own question in the same post....about your friend. you said everything she said made you cringe. so there you have it. didn't fit for you isn't true for you.

llike swelsha said you really can learn from your experience.......

Hi Missmom,
Why do men do that? They act keen and say all the right things at the beginning only to become distant and weird. No wonder we feel like we are going crazy! It doesn't fit with their past behaviour so we think we are being paranoid and needy. I was in a similar situation, I felt rubbish every single day, I broke up with him and have second guessed myself too, however ask yourself, do you really want to feel that anxiety we feel when they are distant, uncaring, contradictory? I know I don't want that anymore and even though I miss him and feel lonely I'm trying to feel happy being single so when I next encounter a man like that I can walk away straight away!
Keep strong x

Thank you Anamaria!

xox