Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I want to know from you experts :D if he could have some personality disorder, or he's just a prick.He can be very sweet and loving, treating me like a queen, yet until now i didnt think about his "bad" side. Now I try to analyse all this relationship, as I want to get out of it.There were some red flags I ignored, when I was completely and blindly in love.
Here it goes:
- blowing hot and cold, being aloof sometimes without a reason
- blaming me for what he did - like when he told me not to talk to him for 2 weeks. Then he said i was ignoring him.
- i suspect he's cheating
- hypersensitive, he can feel offended easily and reject me for one tiny unfortunate word. It happened maybe 2 times. Once I felt that i was so in love and said oh, you deserve a better gf. He got pissed and didnt talk with me for a couple of days.
- he likes trolling, "joking" on forums and fb. Once he told me that his mother was dead, and then said he was just kidding. And once he accused me of cheating, but he was "fucking" with me.
- last times all we talk about is HIM. I got pissed and said -im good , thanks. - what? - thanks for asking. - i didnt ask. - I KNOW. It's all about you. He used to care more about me.
- often "whatevers" me.
- emotional blackmail. if you do this or that, you won't hear from me again.
- used to say that he's really mean to other people, but treated me like a queen
- he often says that i'm childlish and a drama queen. Usually when i'm just emotional.
Thats all i could think of now. 90% of time he's mature, caring, loving (or maybe he was), you know, a dream guy. But this is the other 10%. I'm sorry that this is so chaotic. I've just started NC and each cell of my body wants to write to him :(
Here it goes:
- blowing hot and cold, being aloof sometimes without a reason
- blaming me for what he did - like when he told me not to talk to him for 2 weeks. Then he said i was ignoring him.
- i suspect he's cheating
- hypersensitive, he can feel offended easily and reject me for one tiny unfortunate word. It happened maybe 2 times. Once I felt that i was so in love and said oh, you deserve a better gf. He got pissed and didnt talk with me for a couple of days.
- he likes trolling, "joking" on forums and fb. Once he told me that his mother was dead, and then said he was just kidding. And once he accused me of cheating, but he was "fucking" with me.
- last times all we talk about is HIM. I got pissed and said -im good , thanks. - what? - thanks for asking. - i didnt ask. - I KNOW. It's all about you. He used to care more about me.
- often "whatevers" me.
- emotional blackmail. if you do this or that, you won't hear from me again.
- used to say that he's really mean to other people, but treated me like a queen
- he often says that i'm childlish and a drama queen. Usually when i'm just emotional.
Thats all i could think of now. 90% of time he's mature, caring, loving (or maybe he was), you know, a dream guy. But this is the other 10%. I'm sorry that this is so chaotic. I've just started NC and each cell of my body wants to write to him :(
Core Features of Personality Disorders
Mental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders, each with their own pattern of behaviors, emotionality, and symptoms. However, in my observation, all Cluster B Personality Disorders have core personality features that serve as the foundation for their specific personality disorder. Some of those core personality features are:
Self-Centered
We often hear the phrase Its All About Me. When making decisions, a healthy person weighs the needs and concerns of others as well as their own. A Personality Disorder weighs only their needs and concerns. A Personality Disorder may use money to feed their family for their own purpose. A brother with a Personality Disorder may intimidate an elderly parent for money or manipulate a legal situation to eliminate siblings from an inheritance. In most situations, if we are contacted by a Personality Disorder, the contact is for their purpose, not ours.
Refusal to Accept Personal Responsibility for Their Behavior
Individuals with a Personality Disorder almost never accept personal responsibility for their behavior. They blame others, use excuses, claim misunderstandings, and then depict themselves as the victim in the situation. Those that are physically abusive actually blame the victims of their abuse for the assault. Victims often hear This is your fault! Why did you make me angry?
This aspect of a Personality Disorder is very damaging when the Personality Disorder is a parent. They blame the children for their abusive, neglectful, or dysfunctional behavior. Children are told they are responsible for the temper tantrums, alcohol/substance abuse, unemployment, poverty, unhappiness, etc. of their parent. During a divorce, a Personality Disorder parent often blames the children.
Self-Justification
Individuals with a Personality Disorder dont think, reason, feel, and behave normally. However, they typically justify all of their behaviors. Their justification often comes from their view that they have been victims of society or others and are therefore justified in their manipulative, controlling, criminal or abusive behaviors. A common justification in criminals is to blame the victim for the crime as when hearing Its his fault (the victim) that he got shot. He should have given me the money faster. Healthy adults find it impossible to reason with a Personality Disorder, finding their justifications impossible to understand.
Entitlement
Individuals with a Personality Disorder have a tremendous sense of entitlement, a sense that they deserve respect, money, fame, power, authority, attention, etc. Some feel they are entitled to be the center of attention and when that doesnt happen, they are entitled to create a scene or uproar to gain that attention. Entitlement also creates a justification to punish others in the Personality Disorder. If you violate one of their rules or demands, they feel entitled to punish you in some way.
Shallow Emotions
Healthy people are always amazed and astonished that a person with a Personality Disorder can quickly detach from a partner, move on, and exhibit very little in the way of remorse or distress. A Personality Disorder can find another partner following a breakup, often within days. These same individuals can also quickly detach from their family and children. They can become angry with their parents and not contact them for years. A Personality Disorder can abandon their children while blaming the spouse/partner for their lack of support and interest. Their ability to behave in this manner is related to their Shallow Emotions. The best way to think of Shallow Emotions is to have a great $300.00 automobile (192 euros). You have a limited investment in the automobile, and when its running great you have no complaints. You take the effort to maintain the vehicle as long as the costs are low. If it develops costly mechanical difficulties, its cheaper to dispose of it and get another $300.00 automobile that will run well. Also, if you move a large distance, you leave it behind because its more costly to transport it. A Personality Disorder has shallow emotions and often views those around them as $300.00 autos. Their emotional investment in others is minimal. If their partner is too troublesome, they quickly move on. If parents criticize their behavior, they end their relationship with them until they need something.
Situational Morality
A Personality Disorder takes pride in being able to do what I gotta do to have their demands/needs met. They have few personal or social boundaries and in the severe cases, do not feel bound by laws of the land and quickly engage in criminal activity if needed. The motto of a Personality Disorder is the end justifies the means. Situational morality creates rather extreme behaviors and many Personality Disorders have no hesitation to harm themselves or others to meet their needs. Activities often seen as manipulative are tools of the trade for a Personality Disorder and include lying, dishonesty, conning behavior, intimidation, scheming, and acting. Many Personality Disorders are social chameleons and after evaluating a potential victim/partner, alter their presentation to be the most effective. Severe Personality Disorders have no hesitation about self-injury and will cut themselves, overdose, threaten suicide, or otherwise injure themselves with the goal of retaining their partner using guilt and obligation.
Narcissism and Ineffective Lives
A Personality Disorder has a strong influence on the life and lifestyle of the individual. Cluster B personality disorders often have two lives their real life and the imaginary life they present to others that is full of excuses, half-truths, deceptions, cons, lies, fantasies, and stories prepared for a specific purpose. Physical abusers who were forcibly and legally removed from their children and spouse develop a story that the in-laws conspired with the police to separate them from the children they love so deeply.
Jail time is often reinterpreted as I took the blame for my friend so he could continue to work and support his family. A major finding in a Personality Disorder is an ineffective life reports of tremendous talent and potential but very little in the way of social or occupational success. Its a life of excuses and deceptions. Narcissistic and Antisocial losers often promise romantic cruises that never take place or have a reason that their partner needs to place an automobile in his/her name. Their lives are often accompanied by financial irresponsibility, chronic unemployment, legal difficulties, and unstable living situations in the community. Their behavior often emotionally exhausts those around them something the Personality Disorder explains with My family and I have had a falling out. We can be assured that no matter what real life situation is present in the life of the Personality Disorder, there will be a justification and excuse for it.
Social Disruption
There is never a calm, peaceful, and stable relationship with a Cluster B Personality Disorder! Their need to be the center of attention and control those around them ensures a near constant state of drama, turmoil, discord, and distress. An individual with a Personality Disorder creates drama and turmoil in almost every social situation. Holidays, family reunions, outings in the community, travel, and even grocery shopping are often turned into a social nightmare.
The Personality Disorder also creates disruption in their family system. They are the focus of feuds, grudges, bad feelings, jealousy, and turmoil. If you have a member of your family that you hate to see arrive at a family reunion or holiday dinner he or she probably has a Personality Disorder.
Manipulation As A Way of Life
To obtain our daily personal, social, and emotional needs, a healthy individual has a variety of strategies to use including taking personal action, politely asking someone, making deals, being honest, etc. Healthy individuals also use manipulation as one of many social skills buying someone a gift to cheer them up, making comments and giving hints that something is desired, etc.
For the Personality Disorder, despite the many social strategies available, manipulation is their preferred method of obtaining their wants and needs. The manipulations of a Personality Disorder when combined with shallow emotions, entitlement, and being self-centered can be extreme.
To obtain their goals, an Antisocial Personality may physically threaten, harass, intimidate, and assault those around them. Histrionic Personalities may create dramatic situations, threaten self-harm, or create social embarrassment. Narcissistic Personalities may send police and an ambulance to your home if you dont answer their phone calls, using the excuse that they were concerned about you. Their real goal is to ensure you that their phone calls must be answered or you will pay the consequences. Borderline Personalities may self-injure in your physical presence. In a relationship with a Personality Disorder, we are constantly faced with a collection of schemes, situations, manipulations, and interactions that have a hidden agenda, their agenda.
The Talk and Behavior Gap
We know how people are by two samples of their personality their talk and their behavior. A person who is honest has talk/conversation/promises that match their behavior almost 100%. If he/she borrows money and tells you they will repay you Friday, and then pays you Friday, you have an honest person.
When we observe these matches frequently, then we can give more trust to that individual in the future. The wider the gap between what a person says/promises and what they do the more they are considered dishonest, unreliable, irresponsible, etc.
Due to the shallow emotions and situational morality often found in a Personality Disorder, the gap between talk and behavior can be very wide. A Personality Disorder can often assure their spouse that they love them while having an extramarital affair, borrow money with no intention of paying it back, promise anything with no intention of fulfilling that promise, and assure you of their friendship while spreading nasty rumors about you. A rule: Judge a person by their behavior more than their talk or promises.
If they do, then it doesn't really matter if they are NPD, BPD, Histrionic, AsPD, sociopathic, psychopathic, malignant narcissists, or wolves-in-sheeps-clothing. They are pathologically self-invested and indifferent to their hurtful impact on other people.
There have been many post on this site that have helped me in many ways but this had me crying and shaking. I can not believe or explain what watching this video has done. I am a straight forward person, the Goddess delivery of her message is what I needed. Thank you...I will MOVE the hell on for good! It hurts but I deserve better and don't need God to tell me anymore. Lesson learned.
Nika...even if he isn't mean all the time that 10% is not worth you being hurt. Dump his ass and find someone else. You are beautiful another will appreciate you. Don't waste your time. Big Hug and thanks!!
If they do, then it doesn't really matter if they are NPD, BPD, Histrionic, AsPD, sociopathic, psychopathic, malignant narcissists, or wolves-in-sheeps-clothing. They are pathologically self-invested and indifferent to their hurtful impact on other people."
I like this a lot. I have often been concerned that we here (and in our personal lives) are diagnosing our significant others. I certainly have diagnosed my 'xn' ... thereby making me a victim of sorts. Additionally, folks here seem to accept it without question. Again, while it is comforting, it concerns me.
However, most here have recounted stories of our partners' self-investment and indifference to the pain they cause. So, as you stated, SusyP, what does it really matter which disorder (or even if there is a disorder). These guys are bad news.
Nika - good for you you are questioning these behaviors! They are red flags ... and too often (as you'll read here) many of us have ignored the red flags because we're caught up in our partners' charms. Pay attention and (as it appears you are already doing) don't fool yourself that he'll 'get better'. The red flags you mention certainly indicate indifference to you on some level. If you allow yourself to become ensnared, those behaviors will become worse, much worse.
Nip it in the bud and maintain your no contact!
Love and strength to you and all of us!
Patty
He doesn't respect be because i am the good girl, who will always take him back whatever he does... No longer, mister! IThere were guys who were MY doormats, i mean, all in love with me, always there, always and forever. But I didnt feel the same mostly because they just didnt attract me. I was always honest - no dude, this ain't gonna work ^^ I'm done being this girl whether he loves me or not. Anyway, i do have some commitment issues, and if a nice guy tries to make me his gf, he stops being attractive just like that. I need to work on that too :(