Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Today I heard a message about intentions. Why are you doing certain things? Are you grieving for yourself? Are you lonely and feeling sad and depressed because life is not turning out the way you planned?
My answer to these is yes. But what am I doing about it? Am I doing stuff for others so that they will love me? Am I doing stuff for others so that they can fill my hole of loneliness? So am I doing things to always receive something in return for myself? And here was the answer.....
If you are doing stuff to make yourself feel better but it always hinges on getting something in return, ie..love, companionship, friendship, etc than you will surely fail and stop doing these things when you do not see or feel results. The key is
Do the things that make you happy just for the sake of doing them and becoming a better person. If you give of yourself because it feels good to just give, and you are a true friend because it just feels right to BE a good friend and if you love someone just because it is good to Love people than you will surely reap the rewards of all your efforts.
So I am going to start being a better friend because it is what makes me feel good not because I am lonely. And I am going to think "what would I like to have people give me?" and give that to them without any expectations of receiving anything in return. This is going to be hard because I am realizing that I always hinge my giving on getting back. I want close friends so I am trying to be one, but I am EXPECTING things in return. I want my husband to understand me and allow me to be me and know how much I love him, but I am expecting him to do the same in return. I expect people to tell me when I have hurt them or have wronged them but I do not set boundaries for myself when people wrong me.
If I can have better intentions and just try to be the best ME that I can be today, I think my life will improve. I keep getting grief and sadness because I give with expectations of receiving and when I see no results I get sad and depressed. I need to change my thinking.
How about you? Are you REALLY doing stuff for yourself just to be a happier person? or are you expecting good things in return?
My answer to these is yes. But what am I doing about it? Am I doing stuff for others so that they will love me? Am I doing stuff for others so that they can fill my hole of loneliness? So am I doing things to always receive something in return for myself? And here was the answer.....
If you are doing stuff to make yourself feel better but it always hinges on getting something in return, ie..love, companionship, friendship, etc than you will surely fail and stop doing these things when you do not see or feel results. The key is
Do the things that make you happy just for the sake of doing them and becoming a better person. If you give of yourself because it feels good to just give, and you are a true friend because it just feels right to BE a good friend and if you love someone just because it is good to Love people than you will surely reap the rewards of all your efforts.
So I am going to start being a better friend because it is what makes me feel good not because I am lonely. And I am going to think "what would I like to have people give me?" and give that to them without any expectations of receiving anything in return. This is going to be hard because I am realizing that I always hinge my giving on getting back. I want close friends so I am trying to be one, but I am EXPECTING things in return. I want my husband to understand me and allow me to be me and know how much I love him, but I am expecting him to do the same in return. I expect people to tell me when I have hurt them or have wronged them but I do not set boundaries for myself when people wrong me.
If I can have better intentions and just try to be the best ME that I can be today, I think my life will improve. I keep getting grief and sadness because I give with expectations of receiving and when I see no results I get sad and depressed. I need to change my thinking.
How about you? Are you REALLY doing stuff for yourself just to be a happier person? or are you expecting good things in return?
I had and might still have that very pattern to give in order to get something in return (love, acceptance) when it comes to a man when I am in a relationship as well as with my parents. I do remain silent on my own wishes, I sacrifies myself, just to be loved. I clean, I cook, I give up my interests to receive some attention in return. I do behave the way he wanted, I dress the way he liked, I cooked what he prefered, just to be dumped when I thought I had become who he wanted.
It never works if we have to deny ourselves. We have to love ourselves first and accept us the way we are. I have to learn that I must stand up for myself, for my interests, for my happiness and that this doesn't mean I will be rejected. It doesn't turn me into an egoistic person as I feel I am a much more friendly person when I am in touch with myself. I do manage as long as I am alone. I am still too fragile to defend my interests when I meet a man I find somehow interesting. I do wish you that you find the strength to set bounderies. One step at a time. The moment we are aware of our emotions - good or bad -, we are already half way to heal.
I ask myself many times what my motivations (intentions) are. It's always an interesting question to ask yourself and if you're really honest, the answers can be very illuminating.
I will just say here that I think it's part of our human default setting to try to barter actions for love. I mean, yeah, it's lovely to imagine yourself just loving freely and unconditionally... but most of us still barter in some way shape or form. It's what we learned when we were very very small. In many ways barter is how we operate as humans, as a species, as a society, and on many levels. That doesn't mean we can't love or give; it just means we have to exercise some caution and choose who we give to. Because many people are out to get something for nothing. It’s just how it is. So you have to be careful.
What you say about being your best YOU is right on. I agree that you should first and foremost find out what makes you happy and do that. Even before that, find out what makes you YOU and do that. It's taken me over 50 years to understand that. It seems to me now that if you find out what makes you sing inside, the rest takes care of itself. Or at least that's my theory.
I also agree that giving with the expectation of getting is a one-way ticket to personal disaster. I've experienced this many times. By that I mean I've found myself “let down” time and again. I’m putting that in quotes because at the end of the day, you simply can’t have expectations. It’s even unfair to have expectations, especially if the other person isn’t warned in advance or has no idea. In my case, whenever I gave and felt subsequently let down (like not feeling appreciated), if I was honest with myself then I would have to admit I’d set myself up. I was (like many of us) giving in the hopes of getting. What I've since realized that nobody is obligated to "give back" -- that giving must be voluntary, otherwise it's not GIVING, period. What helps me avoid this is that I too don't like it when other people try to "give" me something but I sense a hidden price tag.
Sometimes, though, I still give just for the hell of it – because there’s a joy in being able to give. Today “giving” to me means time and attention. When I reach out and try to connect (with friends, family, lover), I am giving. And when I feel I have given enough, I stop. I no longer bow to guilt and obligation the way I once did.
Here's what I think today. When you give for the pleasure of giving, then the pleasure of giving is your reward. Anything else is icing.
Giving love is still a minefield. In that sense I'm still a giant work in progress and every relationship is a chance to learn more. Today I feel it’s okay to “adapt” to please someone provided it doesn’t transgress on your essential boundaries. Of course, you have to know what those boundaries are. And you shouldn't ever feel you have to bend yourself out of shape to please anyone. I guess self-knowledge is really key here. It’s something to aim for.
I like what Anesha said: the moment we are aware of our emotions - good or bad - we are already halfway to healing. I’m learning to identify my emotions as well as my needs, and then ask for what I need if I think the other person can give it to me. It doesn't guarantee I will get it but it does at least help me understand what makes me tick.