Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I would like ideas on what we can do to distract ourselves during the beginning of no contact so that we aren't tempted to contact him. So far, I've been checking this website and reading stories when I feel tempted or calling/texting a friend. I have also been looking for volunteer activities. I am not just doing these things so that I don't contact him. I am also doing them as part of my recovery and healing and "fixing" myself.
I am not homefree yet, but I feel really committed. Here is what I'm doing:
1) I set up a support network with friends and family members who care about me. I put aside the embarrassment and shame of getting involved with this guy and told them with honesty what was going on, including some of the most hurtful and disrespectful things he's done. I also let them know that I've found it really hard to finally cut ties and asked them if they'd be available to support me when I'm weak. And they are, and they've been incredibly supportive.
2) When I feel that weakness coming on (mostly along the lines of, 'oh, it wasn't so bad.') I tell myself outloud to STOP!!! Then I think of three specific things that he did that were incredibly hurtful and remind myself that I don't ever want to go back to that.
3) I also have an image of him as a spider sucking the life out of its helpless prey and know that if I let myself back into his 'web' I will get the life sucked out of me. This is very powerful for me.
4) IamEnough talked on another thread about our being addicts and how these men are our drugs. I believe that is right on. With that knowledge, I know that this isn't really love at all, but obsession with this man, and I am just reliving a struggle I've lived my whole life. Robin Norwood (WWLTM) also talks about this and encourages the no contact. We can't get better if we're still 'using' - much like an alcoholic can't work on getting better until he stops drinking. Then it becomes a day to day struggle for a while. I know this and expect it and am better prepared than ever to get through this day free of my n.
5) I think of my beautiful daughters and how I've neglected them for the sake of this man.
6) I just made an appt to see my therapist again after months. My focus this time will be not leaving *him* but helping me better identify what hole I was trying to fill, and then filling/fixing that hole so I NEVER EVER DO THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!
7) This board is GREAT for seeing more clearly where I've been, where I am now, and where I want to go. I'm so thankful to have you all.
I am also going to look for an al-anon group to get more support. I haven't done it yet.
Get it into your head, tiffpage8, that you'll never change him. To even try indicates there's a problem (believe me - I KNOW!!!)
Love shouldn't hurt so much.
Warmest wishes and strength to you, tiff.
Patty
Here is an example. I got a call from my brother on a Monday morning about a year ago that my Dad was in the hospital and that'd I'd better come down. My xn was living with me and I was paying for EVERYTHING (stupid stupid stupid!) My father died while I was enroute and I didn't get to see him before he did, which was tough. I spent the night with my sibs and mom and came back up the next evening.
My xn knew my money was tight that week and I had to pay the electric bill which was almost overdue and I didn't have the money. I got back home expecting he'd be there for me during this hard time in my life. Not only was he not there, he was down at the bar spending his money when he knew I couldn't pay the electric bill!!
Would S have done that to L? Not a chance.
Thinking of S and L helps me to see things more clearly.
The problem no longer is *him*. The problem for me is ME. I need to fix ME.
Love and strength to ALL of us!
Red Flag exercise:
Make a list of every red flag that you ignored and every time he treated you disrepectfully, you caught him in lies, cheating, etc. Every time you even think about contacting him, emailing, texting. Pull out that list and ask yourself: This is what I miss? THIS?
If you have to, put each and every red flag on a separate index card and tape them around your bedroom as a constant reminder of the pain of this relationship.
What you had (that you cant possibly miss) is a pathological relationship. What you miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.
Not a day goes by when I don't think about him. My waking thought is about him and throughout the day. I fight the urge every day to keep from texting or calling him. I still get the occasional texts from him as well but here's how I see it...he's just not capable of being the man I need him to be. I can't fix him and no matter how I try to "control" or "manipulate" the situation to make things better, things never improve. So while I care about him, I realize now I can't be with him. Being with him is too painful for me. It is more painful than being apart. I'm getting stronger each day away from him. It's a long hard journey but one that will have awesome results if I stick it out.
I love these lines and it is so true. My ex will never be the man I need him to be. He will lie by obmission, a sentence I love, manipulate, control, be selfish, self centered and needy, all with someone else. Why is it when the ex is gone the problem is still there? it shows me that I have changes to make as well and it all begins with me. I am to scared at the moment to even think about looking at another guy as my self esteem is crap and the thought of what if nothing changes. I hold hope that i am not alone and I have this group and the woman in it to get through this.