Oh, I'm very curious to read replies on this one! I think I can do this, too! I'm sorry I have absolutely no input . . .

In reading about CPTSD and how we feel stuck in the past and want a rescuer . . could this be what's happening with you?

maybe, but i dont know, some of it is im sure, like the negative thinking part about accidents. like, why do i think those horrible things? i honestly imagine things like my daughter drowning, how i find her, or she falls and really hurts herself, even goes into a funeral, and i find myself in hysterical tears and have to make myself stop. i can usually catch it now before it gets too far like that, but occasionally i miss it. I wonder if its because im a creative person and very artsy, and this is the dark side of my art, or if there is really some wiring crossed. i even feel uncomfortable posting about it. its like a tv show that i cant sensor too well, you know, like comercials for scary movies that you really have no desire to see or hear about on tv and you happen to be channel surfing and BAM, there is that stupid thing you dont want to see.

Oh, Dracona, I can totally do the same thing! I don't get to the point of hysterical tears - probably only because, by and large, I am not a cryer! LOL

I can play out complete stories in a matter of minutes in my head and they're always dramatic. Either I am rescuing somebody or somebody needs to rescue me, if I stop and think about it . . . .

hhhhmmmmm

ok. when i say hysterical tears, i mean more i just find myself crying, for no reason sometimes, driving down the road, because i let my mind wander and it imagined getting into a car wreck and my daughter lying bloody on the side of the road, me surviving, holding her dead, going to the funeral, trying to find out how to live with out her, and then i realize im crying, and that it probably wont happen, and that my mind just wandered off with me, then i get mad about my mind wandering off with me. its pretty bad when that happens, so im constantly checking myself. but its pretty upsetting. and here i am, thinking of this guy, i even talked to him today. i cant help but think, when was the last time i liked someone? its been a long, long long time, like 7-8 years. with my ex, it was cause he pursued me, before him, because he was there and didnt stand me up, not that i really liked him. before that, same deal really. once i think i liked someone a little, i was already with someone else, and left him for the other, it was beautifully intense, i had no where to live, he rescued me by moving out of his moms house to live with me, got a place. whatever. it was sick. i know im rambling on, but im trying to break this down in my head as to why i feel this way. like am i using it as an excuse to finally do what i need to? but i would like him anyway i think. we have alot in common. Alot. i think we would have fun hangin out. whether or not it would work out.
maybe im ready? my biggest fear has been dating. and maybe this is telling me that im ready now? i dont see myself rushing in, or doing anything of the sort. or even beginning anything right now in my state of mind and relationship. but the fact that i feel this way. i didnt think i would feel this way again, or want to take that type of risk.

well, I have never stumbled upon anything suggesting this sort of mind rambling is an issue. I catch myself and reel myself back in with it, too. Maybe someone will or someday we will get an answer to this riddle.

Even though this has been so tough, I still have the belief it is better to love than to fear the pain and never love.

BTW - venturing sent me a long article about PTSD and it was tough to read, but the last section made it all so worth it - titled Transformation. Here it is:

Transformation
A stress breakdown is a transformational experience which, with the right support, can ultimately enrich the experiencer's life. However, completing the transformation can be a long and sometimes painful process.

The Western response - to hospitalise and medicalize the experience, thus hindering the process - may be well-intentioned, but may lessen the value and effectiveness of the transformation.

How would you feel if, rather than a breakdown, you viewed it as a breakthrough? How would you feel if it was suggested to you that the reason for a stress breakdown is to awaken you to your mission in life and to enable you to discover the reason why you have incarnated on this planet?

How would it change your view of things if it was also suggested to you that a stress breakdown reconfigures your brain to enable you to embark on the path that will culminate in the achievement of your mission?

by Tim Field
bullyonline.org
Posted on 09/18/10, 12:58 am

But, Dracona . . . are you tempted to not get out of your current unhappiness unless you have someone to run to? if so, you're still handing your heart (as if on a platter) to another, instead of holding your own heart . . . you'll be giving your power to another. You don't want to do that. You want to own your own power, and then, only then, unite with another, who owns his own power, and then the team will truly be a 'team'.

no, i was thinking of all this before i realized i could like someone again. ive been thinking of it . its just so hard to say, and im very upset that it didnt work out. that i still cant seem to have what i want.
but i had always lacked the ambition to go get what i want, i envied people who could just walk away simply cause they werent happy, and remain friends. i know we would still be friends. but its hard to take that step.
where will i go? where will i live? who with? can i afford to live alone? can i stand living in a shithole so i can afford it? what if i lose my job? we work together. can i stand to see him all the time? i know there is only one way to find out, but what if shit hits the fan? i dont know. it sso hard. i should have never started it.
ive never really even enjoyed sex with him. its been two years. two years, and we havent progressed. he hasnt paid his debt. he hasnt even expressed wanting to fix his credit, or further his career really. sure he wants to, but he doesnt DO anything to get anywhere other than an occasional application.
I hate the fact that we arent right together, but it is a fact. i wanted to be right together. im tired of searching.

A couple of thoughts ... 1. I believe that no matter how exciting everything seems at the beginning, it becomes routine, too, so we want to ... need to ... be with someone who will be good to us ... with us. For myself, I know that I've missed out on building something beautiful with men who would treat me much better. 2. I identify with what you say about not even really liking them that much. When I think of him, I realize I'm NOT EVEN ATTRACTED to him. He was negative and mean and lied ... A LOT! 3. This is the life we are given. I'm 52, and if I keep doing what I've done, I won't have a bright future. And I want one. And I want one for you, too.

Thank you SOOOO much for starting this group! From a newbie.

Responding to both previous replies . . . when one doesn't put forth the effort to grow, the two grow apart. It is what it is.

This was a huge problem on top of all the abuse for me. His ideas for the future were about as exciting as the dead sea. I can't live like that.

well welcome malky. i hope you find everything you need here, its great for information. and you are never too old for a future. as long as there is tomarrow, there is a future. i want to learn to enjoy life, live in the moment, and be able to leave if i have to. i know what you mean about being safe. but i know there is a happy medium out there. i have friends who just love each other incredibly, and neither are sick. they just love each other, and they work. and as long as i know that exists, i have a hard time settling. i know i could be safe for the rest of my life. never worry about cheating, about wondering where they are, if they care, when they are going to hurt me next, worried about my friends calling because he might get jealous.
but i want more. i want passion, i want to see some kind of fire in someone's eyes when they look at me,
i want to enjoy sex again. i want to feel that way again, with someone healthy. i know if someone hurts me i can leave. im not crazy anymore. i wont stand for that shit anymore. ever again. for me its hard to weed out what is wrong, and what is normal, where before i made excuses for them, now im an ass. i tell them to get out. probably even when i shouldnt. its easy to offend me if you are a man. lol.

I have a theory about those emotion-charged daydreams (I have them too). In my case, I decided that I am addicted to the brain chemical which are released while experiencing certain intense emotions. Probably got addicted in my childhood when drama and chaos were the norm. That's the best explaination i could think of for why I sometimes allow my thoughts to take me through such painful emotional fantasies often brining me to near tears before I snap out of it. I have called it "mental masterbation" (sorry if that's offensive to anyone) because I get the chemical rush and emotional catharsis without requiring another person to be involved. I don't want to feel bad but it's almost as though I "need" to feel it and so I make up some scenario which will prompt the feelings/chemicals. I love this site and have be helped so much by all of the honest sharing here. xo!

I should add that the good (unrealistic) fantasies also cause similar chemical rushes. I have to be extra aware of my thoughts during recovery from being a WWL2M to avoid emotional swings in either direction. I'm learning to live and deal in REALITY for now and try to keep my mind uncluttered by potentially harmful imaginings.

Yah, me, too. The triggers I'm hitting are about all my mind can deal with . . . I sure don't have room right now for imaginings! LOL! My head is totally exhausted from trying to predict the unpredictable! Empty head feels really, really good.

susy posted about the chemical dependancy thing before, it was a very good article and explained in depth about how the brain works, and how it is affected by bad relationships, and dysfunctional families in your child hood, and how the way you process chemicals changes, and how being with them, IS like a drug.
its just so hard to take the step that i need to to be happy. and maybe i wont be happy, maybe i will spend all night on here typing my fingers off, feeling empty and alone and maybe i will go back to safe. i dont know. maybe i will just end up not doing anything and just complaining about it for the rest of my life.
but i have to try i think. as much as a major part of me doesnt believe in love or anything anymore, i know one thing. the relationship i am in has come to a stop. life is about change as a friend told me, and when its no longer changing, then it probably isnt good. and she knows him too, and thinks we are both unhappy.