Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I really feel like i'm losing it. all of us suffer depression in some form or another, but its eating me alive right now... i go through cycles.. and right now its not lifting. the cloud is not lifting. i try to create a "safe place' for me, with low stress so it doesnt push me over the edge... so that when this happens i know ill be ok.
i dont feel ok. i feel desolate and dark. relationships have pushed me too far this time. over the past couple years... i cant take anymore, i feel like i dont know who i am. i can hardly ever get online anymore. im still holding out in public.. i look fine... i laugh, i talk, i smile... but i feel none of it. NONE. and im angry. i had never experienced a connection like i had with my most recent ex... and i dont think i could ever want less. he didnt actually do what others have done to me, he is different. but he lied to me, and i left. that is my boundry, my rule, no lies. and his lie hurt me, so i left. im so tired of taking time to myself. i want warmth and comfort. i want family. i want SOMETHING other than this... im tired of the cycle. i fight so hard... im so tired of fighting and i have no one to hold me up. not that i ever needed anyone to before. im probably going to read this in a couple days and wonder what i was thinking... at least i can hope. i can hope it will lift. time runs together for me now. i have a sense of time but cannot feel its passing. nothing helps. tried counseling, tried it all. and i dont have the funds to do it anymore.
I feel i have made this huge mistake. i left my ex. we all know he was a nice guy, but he wasnt right. hell im STILL paying for his bills that he put in my name and sent to collections. but nice personality. great actually.
but i had to go... i wanted more, and i feel so guilty for wanting more. he was my safe place. my home.
got with another, who was brilliant and responsible... it was awesome. he made his mistakes, he made his choices, and i left him... he still claims he loves me to this day... he still misses me, wants me, my faults, my everything. and i want nothing more than to feel safe again right now. i dont trust myself right now. i hurt so bad inside... when this should be the best time in my life. i was so connected with this person... i left, connection or not... because id be damned if i was going to go through what i went through before... but the experience with him was amazing. calming. and at times enlightening.
have another suitor as well... nice... smart... funny... but sex is bad. and after my last ex. i realize that it is something important. that you need that there as part of the balance in a relationship. so its not gonna work, no matter how wonderful he is.
and i need to be alone. i told everyone, i dont want any relationships right now... dont want anything, cant have anything, how can i love someone if i cant figure out myself. im so hurt and lost...
but at the same time... this is my life, this will always be... this cycle.. this... THING that happens to me.
its happening bad right now... i feel it will never lift. im afraid. im afraid i wont take care of my daugter well... i love her so much. Nightmares are taking over as well when i sleep. horrific images... there is no help in this area... no free clinic unless you agree to participate in research medicine. even then you end up paying.
i have no family i can talk to about this... i feel alone. i just want someone to hug me till it passes... like what used to happen. til im ok again. till im myself again. till my brain comes back again. whoever is ever with me will have to accept this... this thing that happens.
i need stability... and i need to either choose to be alone forever and create that structure so that i cant be upheaved like this... take no chances... or i need to be with someone who understand that this is not me... this is not who i am when this happens, and be able to stand with me through it, and give me that stability.
i cant be like this... its killing me... my heart is breaking for the simple fact of breaking... i should be so happy in life right now... i have so many good things going for me. why is this happening?
i wish i had a mother, someone i could crawl into their lap like a baby and have them tell me it will be ok.
i cant believe this... how i feel right now... i just hope it goes soon... i can only hope there is no way to know
i dont feel ok. i feel desolate and dark. relationships have pushed me too far this time. over the past couple years... i cant take anymore, i feel like i dont know who i am. i can hardly ever get online anymore. im still holding out in public.. i look fine... i laugh, i talk, i smile... but i feel none of it. NONE. and im angry. i had never experienced a connection like i had with my most recent ex... and i dont think i could ever want less. he didnt actually do what others have done to me, he is different. but he lied to me, and i left. that is my boundry, my rule, no lies. and his lie hurt me, so i left. im so tired of taking time to myself. i want warmth and comfort. i want family. i want SOMETHING other than this... im tired of the cycle. i fight so hard... im so tired of fighting and i have no one to hold me up. not that i ever needed anyone to before. im probably going to read this in a couple days and wonder what i was thinking... at least i can hope. i can hope it will lift. time runs together for me now. i have a sense of time but cannot feel its passing. nothing helps. tried counseling, tried it all. and i dont have the funds to do it anymore.
I feel i have made this huge mistake. i left my ex. we all know he was a nice guy, but he wasnt right. hell im STILL paying for his bills that he put in my name and sent to collections. but nice personality. great actually.
but i had to go... i wanted more, and i feel so guilty for wanting more. he was my safe place. my home.
got with another, who was brilliant and responsible... it was awesome. he made his mistakes, he made his choices, and i left him... he still claims he loves me to this day... he still misses me, wants me, my faults, my everything. and i want nothing more than to feel safe again right now. i dont trust myself right now. i hurt so bad inside... when this should be the best time in my life. i was so connected with this person... i left, connection or not... because id be damned if i was going to go through what i went through before... but the experience with him was amazing. calming. and at times enlightening.
have another suitor as well... nice... smart... funny... but sex is bad. and after my last ex. i realize that it is something important. that you need that there as part of the balance in a relationship. so its not gonna work, no matter how wonderful he is.
and i need to be alone. i told everyone, i dont want any relationships right now... dont want anything, cant have anything, how can i love someone if i cant figure out myself. im so hurt and lost...
but at the same time... this is my life, this will always be... this cycle.. this... THING that happens to me.
its happening bad right now... i feel it will never lift. im afraid. im afraid i wont take care of my daugter well... i love her so much. Nightmares are taking over as well when i sleep. horrific images... there is no help in this area... no free clinic unless you agree to participate in research medicine. even then you end up paying.
i have no family i can talk to about this... i feel alone. i just want someone to hug me till it passes... like what used to happen. til im ok again. till im myself again. till my brain comes back again. whoever is ever with me will have to accept this... this thing that happens.
i need stability... and i need to either choose to be alone forever and create that structure so that i cant be upheaved like this... take no chances... or i need to be with someone who understand that this is not me... this is not who i am when this happens, and be able to stand with me through it, and give me that stability.
i cant be like this... its killing me... my heart is breaking for the simple fact of breaking... i should be so happy in life right now... i have so many good things going for me. why is this happening?
i wish i had a mother, someone i could crawl into their lap like a baby and have them tell me it will be ok.
i cant believe this... how i feel right now... i just hope it goes soon... i can only hope there is no way to know
Also, you know what you need to do to feel better. Exercise increases endorphins, St. Johns Wort helps with depression, working on any kind of creative project gets us out of our "negative tapes".
And...we learn to be our own mother, in time. You can be the mother to that little girl inside of yourself by learning to keep her safe. Talk to her...to the child inside of you...and let her know that you are going to take care of her.
One day at a Time....
Blessings
That is exactly how I was feeling last week, I wrote here too and that helped,
getting feed back from the other ladies helped too.
I felt like I was doing everything I could too. Daily meetings,, meditating etc... the pain was as bad as ever and feels like it will never get better. But in fact it is lifting, and I am improving.
I also took it as a message in myself to get more help. A new councilor, which also lead me to a Seeking Safety: safe coping group. I reach for bad coping... alcohol or sex because I suffer from PTSD, So, I am happy to get to add this to my recovery. I have been sober for almost 6 months... it's important to create new neuropathways by replacing bad habits with new good habits,, and yes, those changes can cause discomfort, I think of it as growing pains. I am trying to learn from my pain, instead of numbing it with alcohol, romantic intrigue or sex.
I suggest doing everything you can to fill your time with healthy habits right now. (Thank you, I will take that advice too)
Personally I had a couple of "Aha! moments" since last week. After meditating, I was very relaxed and I had some moments of inspired clarity. I was not looking for this, it just happened. It happened again when I woke up yesterday... I had a moment of being able to clearly see this man I thought I could not live with out, I could see it logically and with out overwhelming emotions. It was a peaceful feeling.
Good luck beautiful Dracona!