I'm so sorry for your pain, I understand your feelings and thoughts as I experience the same, I think we all have and that's why we're here, if we can support each other it can only help us in our recovery. You're not alone even though it it may feel that way much of the time. 'Pathetic' is one of my key words at the moment, albeit untrue and unhelpful but it seems to sum up the way these men make us feel.

Our thoughts, feelings and needs are valid, I was always accused of being too needy but that's only because none of my needs were being met, so I would try to force it and this would make him retreat and I would be ignored, told he needed some space and that we needed to cool off! It isn't you, it's him - your feelings are real and important, at times when I'm in deep despair my counsellor has told me - not to be afraid, feel the feelings, acknowledge them and know that it will pass. Eventually it won't be so bad. But it is an emotional roller coaster, there will be ups and downs for some time - but know that there is nothing wrong with you! Otherwise we're all crazy and I don't believe that.

Hugs Harmony7 - it will pass.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, love. Everything that you are experiencing is normal for the circumstances that you have experienced. I have always said we have to feel to heal. Our relationships were addictions and withdrawal is difficult and painful. With the passing of time and diligence in self care, the desire and the pain will begin to minimize until it is only a distant memory.

You are a compassionate woman and hoping that someone doesn't ruin there lives is not a bad character trait as long as you are able to stand back and let them learn their life lessons without interference. No one can tell your heart what to feel but you can control how you react to that feeling. Learning to compassionately detached from the plight of others can be difficult but is sometimes necessary for our on health and well-being. Be kind to yourself...take a walk...smell the roses or the coffee...try to fill your thoughts with other sights, sounds, aromas. When you are feeling your worst do something special for yourself....you are worth it and the distraction will be welcomed.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. - Helen Keller

hi harmony 7. I totally get where you are coming from, I feel so much of what you just wrote. I had such a bad day yesterday, totally crying and wishing he would just come back...that we could WORK on it. These bad days come and go, its all part of healing i think. We will have good days, we will have bad days for quite some time as well, doesn't mean we are not on the way to healing. its hard for me because i see the good in him...my ex had an extremely abusive childhood, often i think i can't take anything he did to me personally because he's just messed up in the head. yet i don't think he has the same sort of compassionate thoughts towards me at all (i had a bad childhood too..which we never talked about, always his childhood) so i know it just cannot be love. Don't feel like you are crazy, I'm having these feelings a lot too, I'm sure probably other women as well. Stay strong and best wishes.

Thank you all for your kind words.I try to remind myself when feeling so down that it is part of the healing process and will take time. I know i will get there.You are right in what you say rayvyn regarding being compasionate.Ifeel great anger towards him at times for what he did to me but i dont wish him bad as he is so messed up himself and a post i read recently said it beautifully that karma will take care of them anyway in the empty,sad and chaos they create for themselves. So many on here have said that their XN is an alcoholic as is mine.Thats karma alone as their own health and mind will deteriorate with the passing of time as they continue their own abuse. Hugs to you all,xo

Why?

I believe this is the section that explains why you want to bend over backwards to get him back and keep him.....Sadly, because narcissists inflict such severe psychological abuse upon love partners, a perverse addiction often occurs. The victim has idealised the narcissist by seeing them as the ideal partner (the illusion created via charm that the narcissist originally used to hook the partner) and continuously tries to win the approval, love and trust of the narcissist.

To the outside world it may seem that the love partner is deranged and is the problem (the narcissist has expertly created this illusion). The narcissist will often appear strong and stable to extended family, acquaintances, counsellors and even authorities. Tragically in many cases the love partner will believe that they are in fact damaged, incapable, no good and defective. They often think they are at fault. Such feelings are the result of a severely diminished sense of identity and a battered self-esteem. Many narcissistic love partners suffer profound depression and even severe physical deterioration. Frighteningly, many victims of narcissism dont recover their sense of self, even years after the relationship has expired

The illusion is that:

He was normal

He was in love with you

He was what he said he was

And he did what he said he did.

In pathology, thats never the case.

Their attachments are surface (which is not love)

They are mentally disordered (which is not normal)

They never present themselves as disordered/sexually promiscuous/and incapable of love (so he was not what he said he was)

And they harbor hidden lives filled with other sex partners, hook ups, criminality, or illegal/moral behavior (so they dont disclose what he is really up to).

What you had (that you cant possibly miss) is a pathological relationship. What you miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.

Thank you again SusyP very interesting.Im learning so much about why im feeling this way from all of you here.It helps me greatly to try and make sense of it all if one ever can.

SusyP: I needed this information bady. Thanks so much for posting it. I needed to have it pointed out becuase it is so easy to see their perfect life as they display it and see yourself as a crumbling heap of rubble. At least for me...

Oh H7 I'm so glad you posted this (but NOT that you feel this way) because I am feeling similar.
Not so much that I feel sorry for him, but that I'm stuck in hurt and anger at all the unnecessary and cruel things he did and said.
Its been a constant internal dialogue all weekend, just wanting to scream out WHY? Bad days indeed and I hang on so much to everyones words on here that it will get better, its like a rope I cling to at times when I can't see my way.
Nothing I do seems to blot out these thoughts for long, its as though they are nibbling away at the back of my mind even when I am trying to concentrate on other things to distract me. I have felt like I am going crazy, I just want so much for there to be a switch to turn off my thoughts.

Posts like this just help reinforce that its normal, and that it IS, as you say, part of healing and I HAVE to go through it to heal.

Therapy on Wednesday, I'm hoping so much that it will help me.
Sorry if I've made this about me, its just that I want you to know you are not alone in having bad days, your post resonated with me because I was almost going to post myself about how much I am plagued at present so all the replies have resonated for me too.

Bless us all xx