Harmony7 you are so not damaged goods. This nice man obviously sees a woman that he seems to be able to connect with. And if he really is a nice man he will wait. It seems he does'nt want to lose contact with you so he may be a bit pushy. He can see the beautiful woman you are inside. If he is really not a nice person, it will soon come out and now you know better. You are not ready for a relationship and you told him that. If there is one to be had with him, it will still be there when you are ready. You are a normal lady who had been through a bad time with a bad person. I wish you all the best and hopefully if nothing else a nice friendship will come out of it all.

No, what you've hit in no ways confirms the thoughts you're damaged! To me, what I see is a nice guy who isn't listening!!!!!!

So, he's interested . . hhhhmmmmm . . . interested in what? Getting what he wants?

No, harmony, the men we will be safe with must be listeners and must be gentle with us. We're not damaged, but we're healing. Support, empathy, compassion are absolute requisites!

It's no different that were you to have knee surgery and be in phsycial therapy, getting your kneel healed and him wanting you to go play a full game of basketball or running a marathon!

Seems to me he simply is not listening, by choice or inability, I don't know, but you cannot afford a relationship with someone who does not listen. That's his problem, not yours!

Your transformation .. . . girlfriend! Into one hell of a woman who is secure in the boundaries she has set.

This is from Lassie (I did not want 2 posts going at the same time):

I am sure you are not permanently "damaged", harmony,,,,you have most certainly been deeply affected by your N-history...and maybe...quite simply, it is just too soon for you to leap into something new??
When I think about a new man, I find myself just sighing and thinking: I just don't have the energy (I'm thinking about all the getting to know you bit, starting from the beginning, etc.)....then again maybe I am wrong as I am expecting that I am going to need loads of energy?!! Maybe HEALTHY relationships don't require so much energy input?!!

We are warned that the too intense, too keen man can be a red flag.....but maybe your guy is just so happy to have met you and wants to see as much of you as he can (doesnt necessarily mean he is "unhealthy").

I think the only thing to do in your case is to be as honest as you can with this man - and to explain how you are feeling...not in an apologetic way...no...show him that you have respect for yourself and if he is any good, he will show YOU the respect you deserve...and give you the time and space you need.

I am just wondering though....you said you told him that right now friendship is enough and that you are not ready to give anymore...and yet I am wondering if he REALLY got that and took it on board, as he does seem rather pushy. You dont owe him anything, your first priority is to YOURSELF at the moment....dont do things coz you feel you would be rude not to, etc.
And remember, trust your instincts!!!

PS My exN used to text me late at night and ask if I wanted to chat. I would text back that I was sorry, I was too sleepy and was heading to bed......then...what would happen?...he would call me!!!! And I'd say, oh didnt you see my text? And he'd say Oh yes... THEY dont listen!!!! Or care!!!!! ..

I agree with DB and Lassie. This is someone who is not listening to what you are saying but is pushing forward with his own agenda. Be careful. If you are not ready to date, you are not ready to date. When you are ready, you will not feel so pressured.

My behavior is usually to defer to what someone else wants, and then, when things go how they have always gone, I tend to blame myself for not setting healthy boundaries. You are in the thick of it and are expressing your boundaries and he is not listening. Like the others have said, if he truly likes you, he will respect you and wait. Sometimes I have thought that women were "mean" to men they met by setting limits. I'm starting to get it ...

I experienced a similar situation with a really nice guy awhile ago. It was so uncomfortable for me because I was just beginning to find my boundaries and he was comming on so strong. I'm smiling now thinking about how I really started resenting him for all of the unsolicited attention when just a couple of years ago that would have been exactly what I wanted/needed. Contrary to Harmony7's thoughts of damage... I see health & growth simply because you are feeling what you feel and not folding under the pressure/attention.

It still amazes me how difficult simple boundary setting is for me when I can sometime bulldoze in where others fear to go. I was so uncomfortable allowing my over anxious date to "own" his own feelings and behavior. I had to keep reminding myself that I told him how I felt and I would act accordingly...ie, not answer every text if I was busy, not make plans if I needed time to myself...I was so tempted to just cause a fight and stop the discomfort...but he was so nice. There were times that I wasnted to yell at him and say "I told you how i felt. Why don't you just respect that and take it down a notch!?" I had to stay focused on me and stop thinking that he should be the one to "take care of" me and my feelings....that was my job.

It's now 3months later and he has thanked me for slowing him down because he had am unhealthy pattern of rushing relationships. I wasn't trying to help him consciously but my healthy behavior benefitted both of us. We do not date now and never had an intimate relationship because as we spent time together I realized he was not for me. however, we are still friends and I enjoy his company occasionally for dinner or drinks. I believe that if he had been right for me it all would have worked out for the best because I kept my boundaries without going cuckoo as I'd felt prompted to do because of the initial discomfort. Just wanted to share my experience because I learned so much by working through that challenge. xo, ali

I think he is being way pushy. i know with me, it goes, ok, i called him, its his turn to call back, and then after that its my turn... if he doesnt call back, or i dont call back in a specific time frame, it isnt working. sounds weird i know. but this guy you are dating sounds a little dangerous and clingy. he shouldnt be making so many plans, and should be considerate that you are getting ready to go to work. Take your time. dont jump into a relationship cause he seems nice. they all seem nice in the beginning, and until you can comfortably set boundries that allow them to prove it, i would be very careful.

I second SusyP and Dracona and others here. He is being way too pushy. Use your boundaries or set ones if you feel yours are shaky and let him know what your terms are. If he's a good guy, he'll listen.

Yes you are all absolutely right. Makes me see I am still a pleaser, when I would definately need to be more asertive if I was in the same situation. Yes pushy is not a good sign. I guess it takes alot of time and strength to change what we've learned. He may be nice, but why is he pushing so much should be the first question.

Once again i appreciate all your advice each and everyone of you.Im starting to sort things out in my mind Susyp what ive learned from your postings and this pattern in my relationships.In the past i continued to stay in and run back to destructive and abusive relationships.Before XN my relationship was abusive he was an alcoholic as well and after we split for good i was always looking for the next one without ever thinking about and sorting my healing out.Maybe XN came into my life to do this because this relationship was the most damaging yet its the only one where i have stopped in my tracks to work truly on healing my self and sorting through the issues i have.Maybe this panic im feeling over this guy being too pushy is my way of telling me to stop that this time its about listening to truly whats best for me.