Hello all, ive been gone for a minute. Ive been having to deal with some pretty awful stuff lately.

for those of you who dont know, my abusive ex tried to kill my new boyfriend by running him over twice, and trying for a third. my boyfriend saved me and and the kids, and wouldnt let my ex in the house to get us. My ex didnt even know who my boyfriend was. He fled the scene for over 24 hours evading police. He was released 5 days later, to go back to school in ROTC to be an army officer. we were not notified of his release as promised, we werent even notified of court dates. They refused to include me in the case for a restraining order because I wasnt the victim, even though i was the intended victim. said harassment/stalking was too hard to prove. My ex has prior arrests for vehicular assault and domestic violence. most were covered up by the navy (he was navy before army), and the one that stayed on his record the prosecutor refused to use in court, because he was only being charged for this one current crime. The prosecutor assured me there was a process, that he would be charged with a felony, that he would make justice happen. the court cases were continued, and then my ex entered a plea... for negligent driving, basically, less than a DUI, and they granted it. He wasnt even fined. I called the prosecutor, he said that i needed to respect my ex, who is now an Army officer. Also said he didnt like us basically, liked my ex better, and let him off. and that there was nothing we could do about it because prosecutors cannot be sued.

NOW... my boyfriend is screwed. his back is messed so bad from this accident. he hurts so bad, and still works. also, his ex wife, has gotten into drugs which is why she is his ex, she is living somewhere in some drug house, trying to take her son there who is 4. she will not tell us where she lives, so we have stopped allowing her to see him for his safety. we are trying to get a restraining order so we can establish a parenting plan or supervised visitation, and our own protection and again, the courts have told us to fuck off. We have to serve her papers, and even though she is on probation for getting a DUI with her kids in the car, no one seems to know where the hell she is.

This is all taking its toll, IM GOING FUCKING nuts. I had to quit school for a while, because as being on a path to be a therapist, I dont know what to tell anyone, or if i want to be in this field anymore, or even finish school. im so burnt.

my boyfriend, is a wonderful person. thoughful, insightful, caring. cooks for me, lets me ride horses ,loves my daughter. He risked himself to save us, and i know he would die for us in a heartbeat.

but I have PTSD, and now he does. he has been through a lot in his life im surprised that he didnt already. he was in the marine corps, got hurt, was 80% disabled before he was ran over twice. He lost his daughters ten years ago in a divorce when she ran out of state and he could never find them. I'm amazed that he is such an amazing man, in all this he still went to work, he tries so hard... but he is losing it, and i can see it, because ive been through it myself. its taken me 20 YEARS to control some of my triggers, and i still battle every day, but he doesnt have that 20 years of self control with this, and this is new to him, the anxiety, the anger, the insomnia, the constant vigilance. and the courts just let my ex go...

I dont know what to do, he tried to get help and the counselor stood him up. like called him, confirmed an appointment, and wasn't there, and never called back for an explanation or to reschedule. yah, on top of all this imagine that, so now he is not continuing to find help cause he believes its useless. He hasnt been diagnosed, but i see it in him. i know... i study it specifically to be a PTSD therapist.

im losing him, bit by bit every day. he now yells, he never yelled at me or said anything but a kind word before.
he feels alone, and I cant help him no matter how much i tell him im here and i love him. He is short with the kids, they are so young, 4 and 5, and yah, they fight and whine and mess up the house and get into shit like little kids should do. but he cant handle it now. he is not suicidal... but he cries every day, wakes up with anxiety. He went to court today for the 5th time trying to get a restraining order on his ex to protect his son, and was told to leave again and come back, and they would not sign the order because she has not been served.
he blamed me for this at first, said i did not help him get her served, that no one will help him, then says he's sorry, tries to get it under control, then is back to cursing and running out the door.

even after he was hit by a truck and was released from the hospital, he went to work the next day and didnt miss a day, with broken ribs, a fractured back and wrist, swollen kidneys and spleen. he wouldnt take a day off. now he can hardly work because the anxiety is taking him over, he has to call in because he cant deal with people.

I can only deal with so much before I am triggered. Ive been through so many abusive relationships that this is so incredibly hard for me, I dont want to leave him. I love him. I cant abandon him. but i dont know how to keep myself sane right now. even in all this how beautiful of a man he is still shines through... but i fear he doesnt see me anymore as who I am, not all the time. im losing him and I dont know what to do.

and when I trigger because he is triggered, well its not good as you can imagine, and he is at a constant trigger now. its eggshells. I do everything I can. but i dont know if i can do this, or even how to do this.

I blamed myself and allowed myself to stay in abusive relationships because of my PTSD. i thought it was me. My ex who did this whole mess, used to trigger me on purpose, get me lost and confused, and use it to control me and tell me it was my fault, and that he would help me.

I dont know what to do, i need support, advice, something, anything. I feel so helpless and lost, and i know my boyfriend does to.

we were betrayed by the system that is supposed to protect us more than once, hell, they gave me back to my mom when i was a kid, they let my daughters dad off after he ran me over with a car while i was pregnant. I dont know how to continue my career right now.

I have come so far in my life, battling this monster inside me. im about to have 2 degrees, I have a beautiful daughter, ive always worked, ive always gone forward even though i didnt even know where i was going, i just kept moving even though sometimes i really just want to stop, i really just want to die and be a statistic, but i keep going, i seek others out, help people. im going through all this school so i can open an non profit counseling service and host a ranch for horse therapy. I dont want money, i want to save people from what i went through, i want help to be available.

but now? this is eating me alive. my grades have dropped dramatically. I have no motivation for school anymore. I have so much anger about what has happened. I was told i wasnt a victim... my ex is around town all the time. said good luck in court to me even. he knew he would win.

I dont know what to do... or how to be there for someone who has the same problem I do. i cant be there for him like that much longer before i cant contain the storm inside myself.