Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Yesterday was the worst day i have had in a very very long time. it was horrible. My mother, is absolutely horridly narcissistic. you would never know how she is, she smiles, sweet, and volunteers. she seems kind and understanding. she loves animals. what people don't see, is her beating the animals she has at home, sometimes to the point of broken bones even, and constantly putting people down, constantly trying to get an extra dollar however she can... and never owning up for her actions. i have continously given her chances throughout my life to redeem herself, even just a genuine apology for abandoning me, for beating me, for making me the mess i am... for the constant manipulation throughout my life, but it continues.
i recently put my horses on her property. she will not touch my horses the way she does hers, mine are bigger and she is afraid to be around them. but every month, she wants more and more money, and justifies herself by saying its alot of work to walk that extra 15 feet to throw a flake of hay to your horse... so on top of paying for the food, i also give her 100 a month. but she never tells me what i owe, and always adds on to what i owe.
because of this money issue, she cursed me out, in the middle of a parking lot, in front of my 2 year old daughter, when my daughter began to cry while i was holding her, she did not stop, but BLAMED me for it.
this happened in front of onlookers, in front of my boyfriend, who had tried to stay out of it and ran into the store. well she started in again, and he got on the phone and said a few choice words about her taking advantage of me. i dont know what to do now. it hurt. bad. i know he was just standing up for me. he had had enough, seen my crying enough because of her, but i wasnt ready to completely stand up to her like that, because i know, that she does not understand and it will just look bad on me in her eyes. i felt like my insides got torn out. this woman has taken everything from me and more. and she is supposed to be my mother. when i was pregnant and alone and scared after the last N left me with nothing, her words of comfort to me were, well, you sure ruined a good man this time. ME? ruin HIM? i was the one pregnant, he gone with his girlfriend, and i was very sick and unable to work because of HIS baby i was carrying. and she blamed me, and sought to console him because i was such a nasty person. said i had a nasty personality and i just had to learn to accept it. now she is trying to make money off me, even if it isnt much...
and maybe it is about time someone stood up to her. but why does it bring such feelings inside of me? she thinks, that she is helping me out, and by me not paying more, i am being disrespectful. she feels she is helping me out for letting me use her property, that she worked so very hard for, and not charging me as much as the other places would.
well my sister came over to pick up the baby, my 16 year old sister, being very rude and snappy with me. when i told her she had no reason to talk to me like that... she said well you shouldnt have gotten in a fight with mom. hell, i lost it. i told her there was no reason for any of them to have anything to do with my daughter any longer, if they could not treat me with respect. she walked out, said i was making the baby suffer... and slammed the door. i became completely over whelmed and snapped, and well, i guess i took it out on the wall, so now i have this big hole to fix. i never do that. im not the type who punches holes in walls.
i really lost it. i dont know how i feel right now. friends tell me its ok, that i cant always keep it together.
after this happened it really scared me, i let my sister take my daughter...
but ALL those emotions just kept flooding through me... everything that ever happened... and im really stuck now, i can feel myself trying to shut down... to become a robot, a drone. a nothing. im fighting it. i might lose my horses over this. and they are my sanity when i can get out to ride. in a couple months it wouldnt be a big deal, not at all moneywise. but right now? i cant do anything, and she just might sell them from underneath me. between relationships, and my family, i really just want to press the restart button on life.
funny thing is, i recently met my real family, my mother was adopted, and well, they have never wanted to interact much with her because of how she is, always turning her nose down at them cause they are mexican...and apache and of course so is she... but she denies it. well, they are awesome people, and i wish i would have known them my whole life. i feel closer to them than i have to any family really... so at least now i have that.
i recently put my horses on her property. she will not touch my horses the way she does hers, mine are bigger and she is afraid to be around them. but every month, she wants more and more money, and justifies herself by saying its alot of work to walk that extra 15 feet to throw a flake of hay to your horse... so on top of paying for the food, i also give her 100 a month. but she never tells me what i owe, and always adds on to what i owe.
because of this money issue, she cursed me out, in the middle of a parking lot, in front of my 2 year old daughter, when my daughter began to cry while i was holding her, she did not stop, but BLAMED me for it.
this happened in front of onlookers, in front of my boyfriend, who had tried to stay out of it and ran into the store. well she started in again, and he got on the phone and said a few choice words about her taking advantage of me. i dont know what to do now. it hurt. bad. i know he was just standing up for me. he had had enough, seen my crying enough because of her, but i wasnt ready to completely stand up to her like that, because i know, that she does not understand and it will just look bad on me in her eyes. i felt like my insides got torn out. this woman has taken everything from me and more. and she is supposed to be my mother. when i was pregnant and alone and scared after the last N left me with nothing, her words of comfort to me were, well, you sure ruined a good man this time. ME? ruin HIM? i was the one pregnant, he gone with his girlfriend, and i was very sick and unable to work because of HIS baby i was carrying. and she blamed me, and sought to console him because i was such a nasty person. said i had a nasty personality and i just had to learn to accept it. now she is trying to make money off me, even if it isnt much...
and maybe it is about time someone stood up to her. but why does it bring such feelings inside of me? she thinks, that she is helping me out, and by me not paying more, i am being disrespectful. she feels she is helping me out for letting me use her property, that she worked so very hard for, and not charging me as much as the other places would.
well my sister came over to pick up the baby, my 16 year old sister, being very rude and snappy with me. when i told her she had no reason to talk to me like that... she said well you shouldnt have gotten in a fight with mom. hell, i lost it. i told her there was no reason for any of them to have anything to do with my daughter any longer, if they could not treat me with respect. she walked out, said i was making the baby suffer... and slammed the door. i became completely over whelmed and snapped, and well, i guess i took it out on the wall, so now i have this big hole to fix. i never do that. im not the type who punches holes in walls.
i really lost it. i dont know how i feel right now. friends tell me its ok, that i cant always keep it together.
after this happened it really scared me, i let my sister take my daughter...
but ALL those emotions just kept flooding through me... everything that ever happened... and im really stuck now, i can feel myself trying to shut down... to become a robot, a drone. a nothing. im fighting it. i might lose my horses over this. and they are my sanity when i can get out to ride. in a couple months it wouldnt be a big deal, not at all moneywise. but right now? i cant do anything, and she just might sell them from underneath me. between relationships, and my family, i really just want to press the restart button on life.
funny thing is, i recently met my real family, my mother was adopted, and well, they have never wanted to interact much with her because of how she is, always turning her nose down at them cause they are mexican...and apache and of course so is she... but she denies it. well, they are awesome people, and i wish i would have known them my whole life. i feel closer to them than i have to any family really... so at least now i have that.
I did this a long time ago,,,and I need to go back to it agin. Since my mother has aged 20 years since then I have gotten into this thinking of empathy for her being old and feeling responsible again for her....IT IS JUST NOT TRUE, I am not responsible for her...she is not incapacitated, she can speak, she is not sick, she can think...I do not need to feel responsible for her. I myself am getting drawn right back into the N's manipulations...no more.
Dracona it's alright to stand up for yourself even if its against your mother or family.Please don't feel bad...just figure out how you will patch up the wall. Have a glass of wine and laugh while you patch it up (or watch a cute guy fix it). That's great you have a relationship with your bio-family.
Big Hug!!
I totally get the anger but it is just not worth it!!! Find a pillow to scream in, crash some glass bottle in a dumpster, bash some balls playing pool..... Im just saying that there are so many alternatives to violence in order to get these feelings out.
I actually do some volunteer work with an outreach program. I have a penpal that is a woman incarcerated in a state prison. She is a Woman Who Loves Too Much and did not have the skills to express her anger in healthy ways. She took a tire iron to her N's car and the car of his new victim. She was charged, had a fine, and retribution and one year probation. But then he came running back to her and yes of course he left again and because of her prior she ended up in prison for three years for kicking down his door. this can be serious stuff. She tells me that most of the women in the prison is there either because of drugs or a man.
I dont mean to preach. I am just concerned about some of the things being discussed in this thread.
Judges dont consider "I snapped" as a reasonable defense!!!
Is it worth it??? Please think about this.
when i say i snapped, i mean, i just lost it, i didnt even know what i was doing, there was no thought, no time to consider... it just happened, and after it happened, i was practically in total disbelief, and had to run it through my head, and it was like the memory of watching a movie, not real, but the memory was there.
i never lose it. but this past year, i dont know... something is changing with me. i always pull through, i always make it, and i feel my strength is wavering, ive tried numerous counselors, none seem to get it, and i just cant afford it anymore to keep searching. the last one i still owe money too, and his office manager cut me off, because i was late, which i called for, but she charged me full appointment price, and was very rude about it, so i was unable to go unless i paid the extra money, so i havent gone. it was pretty ridiculous. i have no medical, make just enough to not qualify for help, an just not enough to cover expenses. it really scared me the other day, i dont just go around punching holes in walls. never.
i remember with my last break up, i could hardly handle it, these emotions that are coming out of me are strange. writing used to help, i dont know what helps now. i really dont. i feel at a loss some days.
this constant pain in my chest, i get little relief from. but im trudging on. i just dont understand this.
ive never been this bad... and believe me ive been bad. is it all finally wearing on me? have i survived and lived through torment just to live the rest of my time tormented by myself? its ridiculous. i just want relief, and im unsure where to get it. ive tried anti depressants, a few different kinds before, ive tried counseling... what is left? ive been fighting for years, to get out of the fog and stay out. im not giving up, i know it sounds like it... but i just feel so rundown. used up. and all i have is my daughter. so its all for her now. i have to be strong enough, just for her. oh holy anxiety, just go away.
I have been independant from my mother, i have done this. i really think i just need to move away somehow... just pick up and go, away from the people who cause me any discomfort. away from here.
not running from my problems, but its not like they ever call unless they want something... and if i was gone, it would be much easier to just say no, and an occasional call once in a great while to say hi, and there really would be minimal they could do to me. i could be conveniently unavailable. conveniently too far away... i feel so alone right now.. and really for no reason.
this should honestly, be the best time in my life. im going to college, i have a job, i have a pretty little girl. i have options. and the more i try to succeed the more these feelings oppress me. and i do want to succeed, and i do want to have dreams. and i do think im worth it. but there is this wall i cant seem to get over, which i think was created by my mom, every time i start to succeed, i start to freak out as well, and the closer i am to goals, the more i seem to begin to lose it, then sometimes, i go through periods where i really just dont care. just dont. not even in a negative way, where everything becomes grey and unimportant. i wish i could say it was just depression, it would be an easier fix, but its hard to find a name for this, even PTSD doesnt quite nail it. but i honestly, just want to be peaceful... peace love, happiness... not a stress free life, but at least without this anxiety. i believe in a balance in all things, but i cant seem to find that balance in myself. i dont know why. its so hard to relax.
Another great book regarding anger issues is "Release from Anger" by Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell which is part of a series including "How to lift Depression....Fast". I was on anti-depressants for 12 years and after reading that book, I have managed to get off them.
My heart goes out to you Dracona. Hang in there and stay strong. If you can't afford therapy, the next best thing is BOOKS. X
Your outburst on your wall is your body, mind, and spirit forcing out the anger and resentment that you are holding in your heart. It will continue to fester as long as you are subconsciously hoping for validation from a woman whose heart is shrouded in darkness.
You are at a fork in the road and you need to decide how you are going to handle this. You can continue to have the same damaging relationship with her, you choose to add her to your no contact list, or you can learn to practice compassionate detachment. It is difficult to learn to not take things so personally from the people we expect to love and nurture us. You look at your own daughter and you can't understand how your own mother could have allowed such evil in your life. She is disordered. It is not about you; it is about her and her and her malignant self love and self entitlement stemming from the issues of her childhood. you can not change who she is but you can focus on you. You are an amazingly resilient young woman who has overcome much. We will always have work to do on ourselves, it is part of the growing process that should continue until will leave this place.
We can use the tragedies in our lives to hold us back or we can use them to make us stronger and help others. I already not the direction your heart is moving. Stay strong. You will rise above this too.
Much love
and fell asleep, lightly. my bf went to leave, decided to try to get off early to drop the truck off so i could sleep and not have me drive him to work. i didnt understand him, called him back in, he was in a hurry out the door, and when i called him he smelled the smoke. and sure as shit it was a fire, in another minute or two it could have spread to my apartment. with my sleeping daughter. any different chain of events over the past couple days i could have been ashes. Life is short ladies... just a reminder.