Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
OK, were do I start. I love too much and that's why I joined the group. I'm currently reading the book and have been for a few weeks now. These painful relationships are so much like mine. I now cry constantly because I can see more and more how real this is in my life. We live together with our 2 and half year old son. He lies to me all the time. He drinks to extreme, comes home drunk late and sometimes (possibly tonight) doesn't come home. I don't know if he is coming home tonight because I just found out from a friend of mine (who is a bartender, at a bar across from a hotel, by another bar) that his truck is at the hotel. He has done this before. It doesn't even matter if there is another woman involved. He's playing mind games with me and I can see it now. He called me at 8:15 to ask if he could come home and I said yes. He said he was on his way. That's the last I heard from him tonight. He wants me to wait up thinking he loves me and is coming home when really he's off f**kin around??? Sorry, I am angry, very angry. Eventually, I had to text my friend. She is one of few I can trust. We have been friends since we were nine. She introduced him to me when I encouraged her to move up here about 4 years ago. Now she doesn't like him so much. He will stay out drinking and dancing with girls and get hotel rooms and then come home and beg and plead until I side with him (at least on the outside, as I'm screaming within) and tell him everything is OK. Of course if I try to call him now he won't answer and he'll just tell everyone I'm crazy and that I'm stalking him. Anyways, I wait, I wonder, I cry. I need help and I need out. I need to find some happiness again because I'm just so alone and miserable now. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank You
Do you know the definiation of insanity? It is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
A chronic drunk, womanizer and liar is not going to change anytime soon (if ever) therefore you must change. Are you going to Alaon meetings? Are you taking care of yourself and your child? Or are you just caught in a loop of chronic hell?
Get out and stay out. You are doing your child any favors by staying in this relationship. This is horrible modeling for them, they should not have to grow up thinking this is normal because it is not.
Rule 3: When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has.
Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says youre dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.
Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
Rule 5: Suspect flattery.
Compliments are lovely, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is extreme, and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. It is the material of counterfeit charm, and nearly always involves an intent to manipulate. Manipulation through flattery is sometimes innocuous and sometimes sinister. Peek over your massaged ego and remember to suspect flattery.
This flattery rule applies on an individual basis, and also at the level of groups and even whole nations. Throughout all of human history and to the present, the call to war has included the flattering claim that ones own forces are about to accomplish a victory that will change the world for the better, a triumph that is morally laudable, justified by its humane outcome, unique in human endeavor, righteous, and worthy of enormous gratitude. Since we began to record the human story, all of our major wars have been framed in this way, on all sides of the conflict, and in all languages the adjective most often applied to the word war is the word holy. An argument can easily be made that humanity will have peace when nations of people are at last able to see through this masterful flattery.
Rule 7: Do not join the game.
Intrigue is a sociopaths tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him. In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.
Cycle of Abuse
Abuse Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you who is boss.
Guilt After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what hes done. Hes more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
Normal behavior Your abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep you in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give you hope that your abusive partner has really changed this time.
Fantasy and planning Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what youve done wrong and how hell make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
Your abusers apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.
You have taken the biggest and hardest step in this entire journey.....You have opened your eyes and have begun to accept the truth. This man is not healthy for you.
Unless you or your son are in immediate danger, it seems like you will have time to make an "exit plan". In the meantime, try and rest as much as you can. I know that is going to be difficult with school and a toddler, however, only sleep helped me get through each day. Do not ignore your emotions. If you need to cry, cry...If you need to scream into a pillow, do so. Above all else, that in time, it will get better.
Much love to you.
The one Susy P posted with the "fantasy and planning" the emotional abusers do. I hadn't considered they actually plotted this out but I'd always been amazed how well-planned the manipulative flattery and demeaning comments were, and how I hated thinking that my automatic reactions were absolutely playing the game. And absolutely...even when they act guilty it is because they think they'll get caught. It took me a long time to see it wasn't guilt that I felt worthless after being torn down. I also know what it's like when so many things are bad that you say "he's probably cheating but it doesn't even matter at this point." But really it takes a toll on you and I hope you can be rid of him. Look up your state and county courthouse resources. Even women's shelters, even if you're not being beaten, may have good info, and the support groups/classes should have a lot. I went to ARMS: Abuse Recovery Ministry & Services, http://www.armsonline.org/ . Don't stay any longer than you have to and keep us posted. :)
The one Susy P posted with the "fantasy and planning" the emotional abusers do. I hadn't considered they actually plotted this out but I'd always been amazed how well-planned the manipulative flattery and demeaning comments were, and how I hated thinking that my automatic reactions were absolutely playing the game. And absolutely...even when they act guilty it is because they think they'll get caught. It took me a long time to see it wasn't guilt that I felt worthless after being torn down. I also know what it's like when so many things are bad that you say "he's probably cheating but it doesn't even matter at this point." But really it takes a toll on you and I hope you can be rid of him. Look up your state and county courthouse resources. Even women's shelters, even if you're not being beaten, may have good info, and the support groups/classes should have a lot. I went to ARMS: Abuse Recovery Ministry & Services, http://www.armsonline.org/ . Don't stay any longer than you have to and keep us posted. :)
Hugs and blessings to you