Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I feel the need to write this down, not sure why. I feel so odd today. I thought I was doing so well and was feeling much much stronger.
Last night my Hs daughter came round. I love her to bits, she's such a lovely woman. We were sitting chatting and my H kept interrupting when I was talking about my illness on holiday ( I have found out I have Menieres Disease which makes you dizzy and really sick. My H has it too strangely.) He kept bringing everything back to him and his experience, talking over me. I let it go, as it is his daughter and I thought maybe he should be doing most of the talking as he hasn't seen her for so long. ( few months) I always send a quick text to see how they are doing and invite them over for dinner. He's not good at keeping in touch with his children so I arrange things. Thats men I think?!
A few things came up during the evening which really freaked me out, I m not sure why. I thought I was better than this!
His daughter started showing pics of her and her Dad as a baby and toddler. I couldn't look at them. I felt scared and resentful of what I don't know. He was quite good looking when he was younger and had a nice body ( he's overweight now! ) if a bit of a tummy! I looked at the pics a little, or pretended too. But I didn't want to see him. I know at this time of the photos he was cheating on his daughters Mum. ( Jane)
When she had left I started asking him about this time and how things were. His life went a bit like this - met Nicola at work and they used to hook up for sex occasionally, maybe every few months or so. Then he met Jane who he moved in with - still seeing Nicola for sex - he had 2 children with Jane, her first making them get married ( it wasn't planned according to him but she had gone part-time at work so I guess she thought it was the plan!) then they had a son, also not planned. all the time he was still seeing Nicola. He also had issues with his job. He was a policeman. He got sacked which is very rare and serious. He told his boss he had a tip off there was going to be an armed robbery at a postoffice. His boss did nothing about it and the robbery happened and two men were shot. My H went to the papers about this and this resulted in him getting sacked after 15 years! He is very angry about this still. He feels he was in the right ( he usually does!) but he never told me this reason for him stopping being a policeman he told me a couple of other stories. His Dad told me the truth one day! I wasn't happy about it!
Anyway so there he is lost his job and having an affair and his wife throws him out. He told me a year ago this was because she found out about him and Nicola. Last night he said it was because he lost his job and she didn't know about nicola until later (!?) anyway, he gave Nicola a call and said he had no where to go could he come stay? She took him in.
He then went on to say how 'great' he and Nicola were and I asked him what made the relationship so great. He said the sex was great and she was a good companion. I asked him : what makes a good companion. He said - someone who likes sex. So anyway that was silly of me to go there! He then bought a house with Nicola, making her relocate away from her family. They then married two years later and tried for a child. They had a son who was later diagnosed with aspergers. They stopped sleeping together during her pregnancy. He said they never made love again. He said they tried but he couldn't do it ( rise to the occasion!) and never tried again. They went to marriage guidance. He is angry that she said she wouldn't change after having a child and she now put her child before him! He was very angry and still is. So although they knew their relationship was over they stayed together for another 13 years!
During the next 13 years he started an affair with her best friend who also worked with/for him. they had sex once a week/fortnight at her house. FOR EIGHT YEARS!!! The last two or three years of his relationship with Nicola he had affairs and was on dating sites. He eventually started divorce proceedings after Nicola refused to let him remortgage the house for a crazy business venture. ( don't blame her!)
But why am I writing all this.
Because it makes me sick, and it makes me scared and it makes me cry.
I know whats done is done. but it really really worries me how I hate him for his past. I feel if I don't give him sex he will go off and find someone else, like he always has. To be honest when I met him I thought he would be such a hot lover but he wasn't at all!
I asked him why he did all this? Was he proud of how he behaved? He said he didn't know what love was until he met me. ( I took this with a pinch of salt) and now he does he won't throw it away. He wishes he had known before. But how can you not know?! How can you not see the way you are treating someone is wrong?! I don't understand this.
My reaction to it, disturbs me.
He doesn't come across as a cruel person. He probably comes across to others as someone who stumbles from one crisis to the next. He tries to be kind, overly so, bordering on intrusive. He is good with the small children he works with but teenagers he seems to upset as he treats them like a small child, he can't seem to adjust how he is. I think he can be very cruel and vindictive sometimes and he does do the tit-for-tat thing. He seems to be a mix of everything. With me in bed he is very sweet, he holds me tight and strokes my hair. He says sweet loving things and I feel like he means them or do I want to think he feels them? Im not sure. He makes me feel safe in those moments. but he also makes me feel scared at the same time. During the day he is different. Its as if the night before never happened. It confuses me and makes me feel I can't trust him or relax. Its like I resent myself for wanting him.
His family had the RAF life, moving around from place to place. Him Mum didn't work. His Dad is very old fashioned and believes the woman looks after the kids and stays home. The wives 'job' is to look after the man. My Husband has the same outlook.
Im not sure if my feelings are about him or if they are my fear of abandonment. I am very attracted to him in a strange way. He is charismatic and manly. Although to others not handsome at all! We have chemistry I guess. The sex is better. I bought him some books on love and tantric sex! And he reads them and is doing more in bed for me these days. I don't understand how he was so cold before. He says he loves me but if I ever spend on the credit card and break his trust we are over. This confuses me.
The other thing which scared me was his daughter talking about her Mum ( Jane) and her step-Dad. Now the way she describes step-Dad could be a good description of my H. Thats weird! Jane obviously goes for a type! His Daughter described step-dad as controlling and a bully. He sits on the couch waiting for her to serve him. He won't let her work, has all the control of the finances and takes her around the world with him for 6 months of the year. She sounds unhappy. The children hated him and left as soon as they could. Step Dad was described as being mean and nasty to the children in much the same way as my H was to mine.
I was so shocked. This woman, Jane, has married the same type twice! And the step-Dad sounds so much like my H. I did blurt this out - but my H just ignored me.
Later that night my H made love to me and I just cried and cried. I don't know why.
I felt like I wanted him so much and I was never going to have him. Earlier he had said he didn't know if he would love me forever or not - ! OMG why do you say that I said?! He said because you might break my trust. You might have an affair or spend on the credit. or use my toothbrush to clean the toilet!
I was shocked he could even say he felt we may not last to me. I said but when we were married it say he promised to love me til he dies…so why did you marry me I said?! because I love you he replied.
oh gawd. Why do I feel so uneasy today.
Why am I sitting here writing this? I wanted all the bad horrible thoughts and fears to get out of my head and give me peace. I should be doing something creative I know.
I have no idea how this is going to play out. Day to day everything is ok. Yes he's lazy around the house but he works hard and holds me tight at night. I think I need to work on my expectations of this marriage! I know he isn't honest with me about finances, he keeps it secret. I know he has 70k in debts he didn't tell me about until recently.
I need to go do something nice for myself now.
I needed to splurge this out. x
I fear I haven't learnt a thing and I am still trying to control him or fix him.
Im not sure its him but maybe me, doing this to myself, making myself feel this way.
Sorry for the long post. xxx
Last night my Hs daughter came round. I love her to bits, she's such a lovely woman. We were sitting chatting and my H kept interrupting when I was talking about my illness on holiday ( I have found out I have Menieres Disease which makes you dizzy and really sick. My H has it too strangely.) He kept bringing everything back to him and his experience, talking over me. I let it go, as it is his daughter and I thought maybe he should be doing most of the talking as he hasn't seen her for so long. ( few months) I always send a quick text to see how they are doing and invite them over for dinner. He's not good at keeping in touch with his children so I arrange things. Thats men I think?!
A few things came up during the evening which really freaked me out, I m not sure why. I thought I was better than this!
His daughter started showing pics of her and her Dad as a baby and toddler. I couldn't look at them. I felt scared and resentful of what I don't know. He was quite good looking when he was younger and had a nice body ( he's overweight now! ) if a bit of a tummy! I looked at the pics a little, or pretended too. But I didn't want to see him. I know at this time of the photos he was cheating on his daughters Mum. ( Jane)
When she had left I started asking him about this time and how things were. His life went a bit like this - met Nicola at work and they used to hook up for sex occasionally, maybe every few months or so. Then he met Jane who he moved in with - still seeing Nicola for sex - he had 2 children with Jane, her first making them get married ( it wasn't planned according to him but she had gone part-time at work so I guess she thought it was the plan!) then they had a son, also not planned. all the time he was still seeing Nicola. He also had issues with his job. He was a policeman. He got sacked which is very rare and serious. He told his boss he had a tip off there was going to be an armed robbery at a postoffice. His boss did nothing about it and the robbery happened and two men were shot. My H went to the papers about this and this resulted in him getting sacked after 15 years! He is very angry about this still. He feels he was in the right ( he usually does!) but he never told me this reason for him stopping being a policeman he told me a couple of other stories. His Dad told me the truth one day! I wasn't happy about it!
Anyway so there he is lost his job and having an affair and his wife throws him out. He told me a year ago this was because she found out about him and Nicola. Last night he said it was because he lost his job and she didn't know about nicola until later (!?) anyway, he gave Nicola a call and said he had no where to go could he come stay? She took him in.
He then went on to say how 'great' he and Nicola were and I asked him what made the relationship so great. He said the sex was great and she was a good companion. I asked him : what makes a good companion. He said - someone who likes sex. So anyway that was silly of me to go there! He then bought a house with Nicola, making her relocate away from her family. They then married two years later and tried for a child. They had a son who was later diagnosed with aspergers. They stopped sleeping together during her pregnancy. He said they never made love again. He said they tried but he couldn't do it ( rise to the occasion!) and never tried again. They went to marriage guidance. He is angry that she said she wouldn't change after having a child and she now put her child before him! He was very angry and still is. So although they knew their relationship was over they stayed together for another 13 years!
During the next 13 years he started an affair with her best friend who also worked with/for him. they had sex once a week/fortnight at her house. FOR EIGHT YEARS!!! The last two or three years of his relationship with Nicola he had affairs and was on dating sites. He eventually started divorce proceedings after Nicola refused to let him remortgage the house for a crazy business venture. ( don't blame her!)
But why am I writing all this.
Because it makes me sick, and it makes me scared and it makes me cry.
I know whats done is done. but it really really worries me how I hate him for his past. I feel if I don't give him sex he will go off and find someone else, like he always has. To be honest when I met him I thought he would be such a hot lover but he wasn't at all!
I asked him why he did all this? Was he proud of how he behaved? He said he didn't know what love was until he met me. ( I took this with a pinch of salt) and now he does he won't throw it away. He wishes he had known before. But how can you not know?! How can you not see the way you are treating someone is wrong?! I don't understand this.
My reaction to it, disturbs me.
He doesn't come across as a cruel person. He probably comes across to others as someone who stumbles from one crisis to the next. He tries to be kind, overly so, bordering on intrusive. He is good with the small children he works with but teenagers he seems to upset as he treats them like a small child, he can't seem to adjust how he is. I think he can be very cruel and vindictive sometimes and he does do the tit-for-tat thing. He seems to be a mix of everything. With me in bed he is very sweet, he holds me tight and strokes my hair. He says sweet loving things and I feel like he means them or do I want to think he feels them? Im not sure. He makes me feel safe in those moments. but he also makes me feel scared at the same time. During the day he is different. Its as if the night before never happened. It confuses me and makes me feel I can't trust him or relax. Its like I resent myself for wanting him.
His family had the RAF life, moving around from place to place. Him Mum didn't work. His Dad is very old fashioned and believes the woman looks after the kids and stays home. The wives 'job' is to look after the man. My Husband has the same outlook.
Im not sure if my feelings are about him or if they are my fear of abandonment. I am very attracted to him in a strange way. He is charismatic and manly. Although to others not handsome at all! We have chemistry I guess. The sex is better. I bought him some books on love and tantric sex! And he reads them and is doing more in bed for me these days. I don't understand how he was so cold before. He says he loves me but if I ever spend on the credit card and break his trust we are over. This confuses me.
The other thing which scared me was his daughter talking about her Mum ( Jane) and her step-Dad. Now the way she describes step-Dad could be a good description of my H. Thats weird! Jane obviously goes for a type! His Daughter described step-dad as controlling and a bully. He sits on the couch waiting for her to serve him. He won't let her work, has all the control of the finances and takes her around the world with him for 6 months of the year. She sounds unhappy. The children hated him and left as soon as they could. Step Dad was described as being mean and nasty to the children in much the same way as my H was to mine.
I was so shocked. This woman, Jane, has married the same type twice! And the step-Dad sounds so much like my H. I did blurt this out - but my H just ignored me.
Later that night my H made love to me and I just cried and cried. I don't know why.
I felt like I wanted him so much and I was never going to have him. Earlier he had said he didn't know if he would love me forever or not - ! OMG why do you say that I said?! He said because you might break my trust. You might have an affair or spend on the credit. or use my toothbrush to clean the toilet!
I was shocked he could even say he felt we may not last to me. I said but when we were married it say he promised to love me til he dies…so why did you marry me I said?! because I love you he replied.
oh gawd. Why do I feel so uneasy today.
Why am I sitting here writing this? I wanted all the bad horrible thoughts and fears to get out of my head and give me peace. I should be doing something creative I know.
I have no idea how this is going to play out. Day to day everything is ok. Yes he's lazy around the house but he works hard and holds me tight at night. I think I need to work on my expectations of this marriage! I know he isn't honest with me about finances, he keeps it secret. I know he has 70k in debts he didn't tell me about until recently.
I need to go do something nice for myself now.
I needed to splurge this out. x
I fear I haven't learnt a thing and I am still trying to control him or fix him.
Im not sure its him but maybe me, doing this to myself, making myself feel this way.
Sorry for the long post. xxx
Too many thoughts racing.....that is okay too.
You are too confused about the whole issue and don't know if you are doing right...that's okay too.
Somedays more difficult than others...that's okay too.
But all is not okay dear....
"He's not good at keeping in touch with his children so I arrange things. "......this is not okay. Trying to fi him and be a good woman in his life.....it i not okay dear.
His past...well it doesn't mean much...really.....people change...and they don't too.
You have to talk about present...how is he in the present. Just because he cheated on Jane..he will cheat on you too...just because sex was the only thing he has been with people...he will be ditto even know...can't say like that.
For a second....right this story differently......how is he now....what are your fears now...are you not sure of him...and if not...why.
Please write it all...you don't have to research his life...you have to make your life better. That is a better place to start:)
Love and luck....
Cheers:)
x
Well he has been and can be kind and loving. He has been and can be cruel, manipulative and controlling. I could list the bad he has done and the good. From my point of view the bad is longer than the good so far - but he would see it differently, obviously!
Im not sure he means to be a bad person. Indeed he once asked if I thought he was a good man. I was speechless! He considers himself a very good person and husband. He financially looks after me. In his eyes this is a good thing, in mine this is control. He doesn't encourage me to work outside the home as he needs someone who is there when he wants to do something. He is self-employed and has funny hours.
I think he is oblivious to how his behaviour is to others. It doesn't seem to matter much to him. Im not sure he is able to consider others. He gets an idea in his head that a certain thing has to be done for someone and thats that. Such as, he bought his parents a dog as he thought they should get out more.
I just fear I am slipping into Co-D analysing and fixing mode!
I was trying to focus on my life. But to him, he should be my life.
I don't know why his past upsets me so much. Maybe because I have been cheated on, probably because I have chosen emotionally unavailable men my whole life! I have only been cheated on by my first husband though.
I have also developed a hatred of films which have relationships or infidelity. I just can't watch them, I feel sick with fear and just can't watch.
When people hurt each other emotionally I feel afraid.
Regarding the past, it is wise to know about it, but not dwell on it. Knowing his past you might want to just get yourself informed of the finances. This will help you feel more secure.
As for the control issues I am learning that WE allow people to control us. It is up to us to set boundaries and make it clear that certain things are not ok with us. I have been doing this and sticking to my guns each and EVERY time someone tries to control me. I am no longer a victim. I control my life and how people treat me. Having said that you should also look at the positives in your relationship. Relationships are very hard. They take a lot of work. People in general have good points and bad points. If what you have in hubby works in a positive manner for you most of the time maybe it is a good relationship and you just need to get out and concentrate on making yourself happy during the down times. We all have baggage. We could all look like evil terrible people if someone analyzed all the negatives in us. That is not our goal.
As for the daughter thing, I did the same thing with my hubby. But after lots of counseling I let go of the control. If I wanted to contact her for my own self that is what I did, but I no longer set up meeting for HIM. Because I stopped, his relationship with her stopped also. But after 5 years or so THEY are learning how to reach out and communicate themselves. It is a slow process but good for them to learn. It is not my job to create relationships for other people. I was getting blamed for everything and causing myself great pain.
If we concentrate on ourselves and not living in fear most of our relationships get better. Fear is a horrible place to be. And if we allow it to keep hold of us it may drive us to do things we might not want to do. It keeps us caged. Try to see what is behind your fear and work through it. Don't allow your mind to keep spinning with it or it can take you down. Sounds like you have good tools to use, you just need to remember to use them. That's where we can help. : ) Hugs.
I have been trying to get out more and do things for myself. I started going to aqua aerobics and oilates and joined an art group. My H has decided he needs to come with me to aerobics and pilates too, its like he's in my slip stream or something!!! He won't come to art group though!
I know it is what it is, and what is done is done. I suppose if I knew he felt badly about his affairs or remorse for the hurt he caused I would be better with it. But he feels they were horrible wives and that was his justification.
But you are right, I need to get back to focusing on me, not his past. I know he gets sick and tired of me being concerned with it. He says he isn't interested in the past, just the future. I suppose he might have a point.!!!
Im going through a bit of self-loathing phase now too so need to kick myself up the butt!
xxx
i do hear you focusing on him and desperately searching for evidence and predictions of his future behavior. to brace yourself. so that says to me you are focused on the past and on the future which is where anxiety and self doubt live.
i think you are still in that ambivalent stage and that's a painful place to be sometimes. when i read your post i still hear how hard you are on yourself.f you are severely anxious and this is not something i have EVER seen anyone treat on their own. i see lots of people here trying to get well on their own in a vacuum.. i don't believe you have enough support.
the fear you feel about his past and future is valid. but needs to be processed.. you can change that story with work.
i do think writing it all out and sharing it is SO SO VALUABLE!! it's your reality and you were willing to be vulnerable and share that with us. i'v been in that place before. braced with fear. stuck in fear.
i just heard recently....... that confusion an overwhelm is a pile of unmade decisions. i think we can be in confusion addiction which is basically a refusal to make decisions. it's just another way to say in a known hell over an unknown heaven.
sunny please please please be gentle on yourself. remember the bottom line whether you stay or go this journey is about learning the art of self compassion........how can kicking yourself in the butt stop self-loathing??? wouldn't it just add to it??? learn to accept yourself and validate yourself. you are doing the best you can given that you are staying in the circumstances that are triggering you anxiety. you are just reacting to life b/c you don't feel you have any power. love yourself and you will again own your power.....
love you..
I can see what I am doing and laugh at my own shortcomings but it doesn't help me get those paints out!!!
I totally understand the idea that confusion can be an addiction. Interesting, I will think on that.
I am on the waiting list for counselling, looking at June 2015….but I have it free then for 2 years! Its a charity here in the UK who provide this service, how awesome is that! But I have to wait til someone finishes their 2 years I guess. but my names on the list and they are there at the end of the phone should I need them, although I haven't called them yet.
I did have an argument with H last night. I correctly predicted 5 out of 6 football scores. This can mean you win £6k …exciting….anyway as I have said my H is serious poop financially. So he was all excited about this, seeing it as his winnings and how great that would be! Now I got cross about this, saying I didn't overspend by £70k its not fair to expect me to just throw this money in the pot against your irresponsible financial behaviour. OOOO dear this didn't go down week, and he was very nasty. I said his parents give him £5k every year for his birthday and I don't expect him to give that money to me! He did not shut up about this, about how I was unsupportive and what a terrible wife I was.
If I have won the money no way would I give it to him - I would pay off my own debts ( which are tiny ! but still bother me) and invest in myself for the future. Not give it to him to spend on lavish lunches and nice shirts!!!
His attitude about it sucks, and he probably thinks the same of me.
Don't care.
Although I should have, thats life I guess!
xxx