Im sorry for disappearing for months. I have been dealing with my own bouts of PTSD and for some reason being here in the group was hard for me for a while, also with school and being a single mom... i was stressed and I disassociated... sometimes when im stressed time passes without a sense of it passing. I hadnt realized how long it had been. and i honestly feel awful for coming back now to post about my current situation, but I have to talk to someone, and I dont know where else to turn right now.

My whole life is filled with abusers, liars, and cheaters. But it always felt normal to me. I am very good at being emotionally numb. I have been in the strangest relationship for the past two years now, and its time to talk about it, about what it really is, and what actions i need to take.

I love the man. of course i do, but i have to stop.

we first got together things were great. i was so happy. then i caught him in a lie. He didnt cheat on me, but he was lying about who he was hanging out with,(his ex) and left me at home to cook dinner while he went and took her out, then came home and ate my dinner. she posted a picture and tagged him in it, about where he took her. I left him. I gathered my shit, and i left him. I felt empowered. i was hurt, but i was strong. i was NEVER going to ever let anyone get in my way again... I had a daughter to raise and plans with my life, but i was seeing clearly. my number one rule is dont lie to me, and he crossed it. so i left, like i said i would if that line was so blatantly crossed.

then i got lonely. i missed him. he admitted his mistakes. I was VERY angry, for a long time. i told him i needed this time to be angry on my own. we were split up for almost a year. during that time i lost my resolve. i became the weak and confused woman i was before, unable to take action. it was like all my strength was lost in leaving him. he would come and go at my house when he wished, but i was not welcome at his. i just caught myself trying to make an excuse there for him... NO EXCUSES. FACTS. ok. he would come over and eat my food, i would help him with his homework, even write papers for him, even though i knew he had other people doing that for him as well. i wanted to stop, wanted to stand up, but couldnt. everytime i got a backbone to stand up to him, it was an argument. not a calm discussion, but an argument. and i would cave. every time i would try to say NO MORE, i would eventually cave. he allowed me to think that he was seeing other people through his actions. he said he didnt want a relationship right now, that he was working on himself. He wouldnt show up on time. He would eat and leave. i would give him gas money. then i find out he was telling his friends he had money to take them out, and would tell me he had none. just one friend actually, a 19 year old girl. she is alright, but i wasnt allowed to meet her til recently. i know he didnt do anything with her as she is as butch as it gets, but any friend save one i have met of his, are younger girls. he is 32, this bugged me. he said he didnt have friends because last time he did they all fucked his ex wife which led to his divorce so he doesnt talk to people anymore. one week it was all lovey dovey, then he was gone again. he would not hold my hand or kiss me in public. says he is getting over the fact that i left him. He has come leaps and bounds from where he was... but why did i let him put me through that?
towards the end of a very arduous summer, HE decided we were dating again, that i would now be called his girlfriend.

Shit hit the fan. I lost my job. I lost my child support. i lost my house. i almost ended up in a shelter with my daughter. but instead of turning away from us, he went and got us a place... took care of us.
things got better, my va disability was approved. my school is paid for through my masters degree, and i dont have to work now, i dont make alot, but just enough to get by. i can finally spend the time with my daughter i had spent away from her trying to work and go to school to make a better life for us.

I have PTSD. i know its not easy to live with. i know i can be irrational. I "react" to subtle cues and body language. i need calmness. i need someone who can stay calm and just talk to me, and i will shortly come down to my normal self. but even at my worst, i do not hit anyone, and i do not say horrible things i dont mean.
im not the best housekeeper, but im not disgusting. i get busy and overwhelmed and i forget that it has been a week since i really cleaned the house. it gets cluttered. instead of him picking up the slack, he complains.
my mother is a huge trigger for me, he now refuses to interact with her. ive always been honest about myself with him, about the PTSD and how im trying to cope with it. im seeing two couselors now, one for talking, one for behavior therapy. i dont want to be this way, im fighting to be better.
i know he is stressed out too, he is in ROTC at 32 years old, and school. he has a son, but his mom has custody in new york, while he does his stuff. shit. i was a single mom, who worked nights, and went to college, and had custody of my daughter. now i dont work, but college is still a full time job. and quite often asks me to "help" him with his homework. writing papers, doing power points for him. and i do so at the expense of my own, i tell him so, but he figures im smart enough and quick enough to get my stuff done. then complains about the house one day, and the next day is as sweet as pie.

what im trying to get to, and i apologize for the randomness of my sentances and thank you to anyone who has read all this....

but he hit me today.

i was laying down, trying to discuss that i felt disconnected with him, and why. trying to tell him things that would make me feel calmer, make me react in a better manner, just trying to talk. he got angry. I had taken my daughter to a carnival where we won a small unicorn picture she was very fond of. he smashed it on a wall. it broke her heart. i flew up at him. i didnt hit him, i just had to be close to him, between him and my daughters broken heart. and he hit me. im not hurt. im no stranger to being hit. i blocked his punches and kept him from overpowering me. when it was done my daughter was still holding the broken glass of her picture...

I need to leave. but where can i go now? i make 1200 a month... usually less. I dont work. i go to school. im not supposed to work because it is uncomfortable and painful for me to do so in the profession i know. and i could lose my disability, which provides medical, and care for my issues that i could otherwise not afford.
im hurt. im confused. and most of all, i feel so very very weak. he said he was sorry, that it was his fault. that he has been dealing with anger issues for years and that he is doing much better than he used to be.

I cant do this. i cant let my daughter grow up like this. she cant think its ok. i have to do better.

after he hit me she came up to him, with a boquet of flowers she made for him, and gave him a kiss and said thank you for being quiet now...

this is horrible. why should she feel affectionate towards him after that?

there was an incidence a couple months ago... where he kicked her hampster in its ball and threw my dog. got in my face, but didnt hit me. said it wouldnt happen again, apologized and we moved on.

i cant do this. whatever strength i had before seems gone. i have no support. my mother would be happy he hit me. my sisters dont care.

im so lost right now.