Hi April13,

First of all, sorry to hear you’re so sick. It’s a bit hard to know how to answer your post because there is so much going on. But first things first: the fact that you’re reaching out like this is definitely a step in the right direction. Good on you and keep reaching out.

It sounds like your situation is slowly killing you, not to put too fine a point on it — it’s very alarming to read. You know it’s bad for you but you just can’t seem to free yourself. There is a way out, but it’s hard… it involves building your self-esteem and self-respect. And this can be like climbing a mountain for someone for whom feeling like crap has become “normal.”

Still, to me, the fact that you are reaching out is VERY hopeful! It seems to me it’s coming from the part of you that truly wants to feel better and be healthy, strong and independent — in a word, empowered — not trapped in this impossible situation.

You can break free! You start with baby steps, tackling one bad habit at a time, doing things that make you actually feel GOOD about yourself. Becoming less sedentary, quitting smoking, eating healthy: all of these are a start. Yes, they are all very hard. But they are doable, and in concrete, measurable steps. You can't tackle it all at once or you will be overwhelmed. You have to start small and also, you have to find lots of ways to stay motivated. YouTube videos are good for finding motivation, seeing the stories of others who have travelled the same road. Or reading, or talking to others, or finding support groups. Do what it takes to find the hope you need to keep yourself going. Sometimes even tiny changes can be SUCH a boost to your morale. Staying “down” can be a choice, and so can freeing yourself.

Being involved with a drug addict is its own special hell of codependency. Five years ago, I was involved with a drug addict. Today I am involved with a man who is very loving. Here’s the thing: they are the same man! I remember when I read the book, In it, Robin Norwood at one point discusses the whole question of whether you “have” to leave an unhealthy relationship. And she said that some readers had written to her saying they really didn’t want to leave the guy. And that’s totally how I felt too. And her answer was, Well, you don’t have to! But what you DO have to do is start loving yourself.

I took this to mean, you start by loving yourself and the rest falls into place. And there is a lot of truth to this. Because when you love yourself, you don’t accept shitty treatment, or lies, or manipulation: people who treat you like crap or lie to you or try to manipulate you, well, you simply start cutting them out of your life. And it becomes EASY to cut them out, automatic. Once you’ve become healthy, you want nothing to do with people or situations that pose a threat to that health. You become precious to you. And so, whether or not your relationship works out after that, it doesn’t really matter. Because you end up feeling you’ve gained something infintely precious… and that’s a relationship with yourself, the part of you that wants to live.

In my case, I stopped accepting bad treatment and started doing things to feel better about myself. Things improved on every front. It wasn't overnight: it took a good two to three years. But the higher I set the bar, the more he stepped up his game. Eventually I decided I didn't want to be involved with an addict at all (since he kept relapsing) and so I left for good and he knew this time was really the end and that's where he really decided to change. That was a year and a half ago and things have really been good since. BUT I want to point out that, by the time I left for good, my self-esteem had blossomed to the point where I was totally ready and able to walk away. And it was a great feeling, especially since at the beginning I couldn't even think of living without him.

I wish you great luck and courage, and above all, hope. Sending hugs.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post & for such a thoughtful reply.

I have allowed myself to accept so many lies, cheating, verbal abuse & property loss & damage. Most recently he smashed up my car, total loss but fortunately my insurance sorted it out.

Since then whenever I'm around him I feel physically sick (like throwing up) & feel this overwhelming hostility & anger.

A few months ago I discovered he had an affair for 3 years. This was while he was in jail & I was helping him get bail. I was thrown into a frenzy, I didn't know what to do. I felt sorry for him, stuck by him. But on the inside I was seething with rage, mostly angry at myself for a accepting this & going along with his "forget it ever happened, it's all in the past".

Since then we've had fallout after fallout, mainly initiated by me. It's hard to hide such a big resentment.

The thing that sickened me the most is that during the affair he went on a holiday with the ow, told me at the time he was in rehab. He was messaging me at the time, telling me how hard it was trying to get clean, telling me he loved & missed me, sending explicit photos (uninvited) & requesting some of me in return. When I found out about this, I seriously felt like some cruel joke was being played on me, I could not believe that anybody could be capable of spinning such a store!

I don't know what to say, I feel sick.

OMG, that is sickening even to read at a distance. Of course you feel sick!! There is bad behaviour and then there is behaviour that is simply unacceptable. In my books this kind of behaviour is NOT something to forget or accept. It's beyond disrespectful. You feel (rightly) violated and outraged. The question is, why are you still there? What is in this situation for you?

Hi again HFTOS,

Thanks once again for reading & replying to my post.

He walked out 2 days ago because he didn't want to deal with my anger, this is a pattern. So at present he is not around. I have not made any contact, neither has he. We don't live together, so it's good to have some space.

It's lonely & I think of him a lot, but to answer your question truthfully I'm not getting anything out of this relationship.

That was a pretty bald question on my part! Didn't mean for it to sound so blunt.

I don't really mean what are you getting out of it in terms of personal satisfaction... that much is pretty obvious (i.e. zilch). Sometimes what we "get" out of relationships isn't immediately obvious. For example, it can be the (dubious) sense of security from "the devil you know vs. the devil you don't." Fear of the unknown can keep you stuck in a bad place, because at least you know what to expect in the current (bad) situation. Or maybe what you are "getting" from it is companionship of a sort, because even a bad relationship can be a kind of buffer against loneliness... Asking questions from a different angle can help start to untangle the threads that bind you to this situation.

Thanks HFTOS,
I appreciate you reading and replying to my post. I Love this person dearly and I'm so very lonely without him. However, when he is around I feel this huge rage & resentment, particularly about the affair he had and the lies around that. I can't let that go, I can't forgive that. I feel that once this happens in a relationship, it's over, I can never trust him again! It disgusts me, It makes me sick, it's painful!

I feel terrible, he is very angry with me, sending me messages and blaming me for how he's broken his bail conditions. Because I'm always angry and upset, he's lost track of appointments he is meant to be attending and Is no longer on Methadone. Even though I feel bad, I know this is bullshit. When he was staying with me I'd have to nag him repeatadly to wake up, get to the chemist before 9pm, get to appointments on time etc. Eventually people would called him and cancel because he was always 30 minutes plus late. He'd always have a fix at the exact moment when we had to leave for an appointment. That's a whole ritual with him, that can take up to 30 minutes with him. I was tearing my hair out in frustration, it was like living with a pubescent boy! He has a hearing on the 19th and even though I message him daily to make appointments, get back on track, he does'nt. What more can I do?

What more can you do... I think the question should actually be, what LESS can you do. Living with a pubescent boy, messaging him daily to make appointments: sounds like you're mothering him -- and at the expense of 'mothering' yourself, something you're in dire need of, to judge by your original post. You need to let go of his concerns so that you can put the focus on YOU. What would happen if you put yourself first for a change?

You might be surprised at what happens if you stop thinking and acting for him. Basically, he's being lazy about taking responsibility for his own sh** because you're doing it for him! Not saying he's going to change overnight, or even at all. But so long as you are there doing it all for him, then one thing is certain: he's sure not going to be motivated to do it himself.

He's an addict. Dealing with an addict involves a special set of problems and conditions... yes. But the same mechanics of codependency that characterize all unhealthy relationships are at work here too.

Back to what more can you do. You could start asking yourself how you can let go of his concerns (which at present sound like they're ruling your life) and how you can help YOU. And there is a lot of help available online, especially if (like me) you can't afford real-life face-to-face therapy. One resource I found useful BY TIMES was the "Family & Friends" section of a site called Drugs-Forum (to get there, go to drugs-forum dot com then Home > Forums > RECOVERY & ADDICTION > Drug Addiction & Recovery > Family & Friends). I say "useful by times" since sometimes I found it all just too sad and discouraging, reading people's stories and seeing how their lives and those around them were wrecked by drugs.... But when my guy was in full addiction mode and I was making myself sick with over-caring, it really helped me. I posted my story and got a LOT of support and advice, much of it from active or recovered junkies. And here I'm going to say, the MAIN advice I got again and again, and from ACTIVE drug users (who definitely know the score!), was to "let go." There are a lot of discussions about codependency there too. You could try posting your story there and see what happens. People are compassionate but realistic.

Thanks for the replying.

I use a forum called Sober Recovery which has a similar forum that I use and have posted on regularly, thanks for the suggestion.

I've let him go. I started having these rages, because I am so angry at him & I was getting so stressed. Of course he couldn't cope with my anger & walked. I just let him be, as hard and excrutiating as it is, I have to do this for myself.

I am working with a therapist, going to 12 step meetings, walking daily, I've reached out to a complete of friends. I just can't do this relationship any more.

HUGE kudos to you for seeking help. It can be so hard. 12-step is a great idea. These kind of relationships can be very addictive. We put up with way too much crap and then when Dude suddenly does something nice (read: normal), pow! We're in ecstasy. (Or at least I was. Until I started asking myself, Why am I putting up with all this crap?) The highs and lows of our own brain chemistry...

About your anger. It seems to me your anger is exactly where it should be! To me, that kind of anger is there for a reason. Namely, to empower you, give you strength, get you on the road to healing! I really hope that's the message you're getting from your support groups. Wishing you lots of strength and hope and inspiration...

Hi HFTOS,

It was good to read your reply, encouraging.

I am getting some good support but I've had some very lonely moments. The evenings and the weekends are a challenge.

Ah, I don't know, just gotta keep going.

Hugs to you..

April,

(Sorry to be so sporadic -- my life is pretty crazy busy and I only check in here from time to time.) It grieves me to read your last line. I know that place of pain you're in. I wanted to ask you, do you have anyone close by that you can talk to? A friend, a therapist, a group? You need support whereever you can get it, online and off.

I think what happens is when there is long-term coercion and manipulation going on (which is almost certainly the case when you're with a drug addict), our self-esteem plummets to the point where we can't see any future except with this person we're with... It's as if we erase our needs to the point where we cease to exist. If you're like me, then you'll need to work very hard to rediscover "you" and your own needs, and reclaim that space. It takes patience and perseverance. And loneliness is very, very difficult. But the "other side" that I refer to in my username is SO AMAZING. I don't know what else to tell you except to hang on and keep focused on that future that's waiting for you!

Final thought: change happens through one small gesture at a time, and when many gestures pile up together, then you have change. You can't solve "all" your problems in one fell swoop. It's a case of tackling one small issue at a time, and something manageable! You mentioned your GI issues... maybe you could focus for now, not on your relationship, not on your depression and anxiety, but purely on your body. Nutrition, exercise... these can seem like mountains to achieve but it's the same as with anything, one small manageable step at a time.

Best of luck. Hugs...

Thank you so much HFTOS, for taking the time to check in, even though your busy. I am grateful to have connected with you, I see that you understand, knowing that you've been there.

I am taking to a wonderful therapist on a weeks basically & I have two close friends that I can reach out too. Despite this & I was expecting this, doing no contact is incredicbly painful. Really it's pointless anyway to attempt contact, as he ignores me, does'nt reply to messages or answer his phone, like I'm the one who's screwed up in the relationship. I have not see him for 1 month, we had an argument one night, he walked out of the house & that was it.

I am in terrible disbelief and confusion about this. It feels like a slap in the face.

But I am focusing on myself as much as I can. The thing that's getting me through the day mainly, is my long walks. That's my way of making sure I can relax in the evenings and have a decent sleep.

I have no choice but to keep going, even though on most mornings I wake & think, "not this again, not another day of grief". I desperatly want to get through this & pray that I come out the other side a sane person.

Pray for me please.

Hugs,
April xoxo

So glad to hear you're having therapy with someone you like, and that you have close friends. Really, I think you're doing fantastically well, even though it probably doesn't seem like it. Still, I do know how painful the no-contact thing is (and how vulnerable that makes us...) It can feel like you've cut off your own arm.

In your case, I think you're both acutely aware of and paradoxically, accepting of how he's manipulated you. That sounds contradictory and it is. Chalk it up to the great big mind-f••k you've been subject to (sorry about crude expression but it's the only one that really applies). Let me make it clear that I'm not excusing his behaviour toward you: the fact that he's a drug addict and that it's a life with its own set of rules doesn't let him off the hook as far as human decency is concerned. Remembering that can help. (We tend to make excuses for people who are afflicted with dependency issues but to me that is a MISTAKE — they need to start owning their own sh*t and that is what actually helps them heal.) Anyway, maybe it can help lessen the pain of NC if you remind yourself that this period is for you to get some much-needed time to yourself. (Even if you don’t feel like you want it… :) Tho I have to say that from your posts overall, from how he treats you, it doesn't sound like there's much there to stick around for. Do you really want to stay here? I kept asking myself that, and the answer was NO.

His behaviour feels like a slap in the face and it is, after all you’ve done for him — but beware. Seeking resolution is very dangerous and can bring you right back to square one. Google “trauma bonding” or “traumatic bonding” if you haven’t already, then ask yourself if any of those situations apply to you.

I do wonder if he has maybe filled a need in you to feel needed, and now that he's not around, there's this big void. At risk of being boringly repetitive (it's just that in my experience, this took a long time to sink in) is that YOU need you right now! You can switch all that focus and caring onto yourself, but first you need to figure out why you haven't until now. It can be very painful asking these questions. But you’re doing so well and you have a lot going for you! Don’t give up! Hugs...