Its always 3 steps forward and 2 steps backward. Dont beat yourself up over this. Acknowledge the fact that this time you see and realize the things and the feelings of hurt and anger you are having. Its hard to see and accept things for what they truly are. We want to hold on to those brief moments of fun, loving, caring they show us. But those are brief moments. And they always know the right words to say. But talk is cheap. Actions speak much louder than words. And respect isnt given only in a committed relationship. Thats part of him trying to control you. Saying he can go out until you make a decision. Make this move with your son and focus on your future! You deserve respect! Hold your head high and know that you are making a better future for yourself and your son. Your best days are ahead of you!!

Thank you for your encouraging words. I am very grateful that I can move and hopefully eventually move on mentally as well. He would have to show me he can take care of himself before I could ever think of going back. I can't save him...that's not my job. I know intellectually what is right and what I should do...but then the addiction kicks in and I'm not me....i become his puppet again...a toy that he can play with and then set aside when he feels like it. I was so confused about how I wasn't angry anymore. I thought I would be so angry when I saw him, but I wasn't...that was strange. I'm happy that some of my anger has returned...i need that to protect me now. Thanks for your response!

Trust me I know exactly what you mean. The addiction is terrible! When you know in your heart and mind that its not what you want. But the addiction takes control. I look at my x now with his new girlfriend and part of me is jealous. Then I stop and think really? What am I jealous of? He isnt gonna treat her any different. Its so hard. At least for now (after almost 2 years of being used at his convenience only) he has someone new and he is finally leaving me alone! Not texting or showing up drunk in the middle of the night. Its hard some days. But it seems to be getting easier and easier. Life is too short to let someone control our emotions and make us miserable. I pray for strength for you!

Hi Ladies,

str0nger you sound like you have a great plan in place for your future with your son. I hope you have the strength to follow through. I will be thinking of you and praying for strength for you to stick to your plan. I can relate to what you are going through. 10 days ago I sent my ex fiance a text to let him know I would be shutting off his phone (he was on my plan) and instead of that being that he "hooked me" with "life isn't fun" and my curiousity took over. We started texting about recommitting and getting married. He probably was drinking or drunk. We made plans to see each other this weekend and then I didn't hear anything from him after I sent a text. I sent another brief text to say goodnight and he just responded goodnight and that was it. I called him to find out what was going on...BIG mistake! He launched into a verbally abusive tyrade about me and my kids. I said why did you text about recommitting and getting married and now suddenly you're doing a 180? He would just say, "I don't want to just sleep with you." I'm so angry at him and at myself right now. I should have just shut his phone off...period! Why do these guys have to jerk us around? It's a game to them I guess? I did cut his phone off and I told him not to call or text me from his new phone when he gets drunk and down or depressed and crying about life. I have nothing left for him. Well I do have this anger because he duped me...again. I feel like a fool. I guess this too shall pass? I want to move, too. I have started working on getting my house ready to sell. Renewe1 you are right...life is too short to let someone control our emotions and make us miserable. Thank you for this reminder. I do know I am wiser for having gone through this relationship.

Oh Ellen. I'm so sorry you had to go thru that again. But you have re-enforced in my head why I must stay NC when all of my being wants to text or email him. I just can't, can't, can't let myself go there again. These men are emotional vampires. They suck the life right out of us. My three sons need me. They have spent too many years watching me wither. I want to be a better role model. Funny thing is, in every other aspect of my life I have my act together. Well educated, great career, fit, attractive, financially independent. I just don't get this. Hopefully my therapist and I can come up with a plan to fix this one aspect of my life. My addiction as it were.

Dorrih, thank you. You are right...NC is the only way. No matter how much poop happens I never forget him because I focus on the good things we had. I need to focus on the bad things I guess? Like you, I'm educated so why can't I figure this out? For me I'm starting to think it's an abandonment issue from my childhood. I gave him 200% of me. He was my "bad boy". I never dated anyone like him. He let me explore a side of me I never let out before. I was raised a "good Catholic girl". When we first started going out he'd say to me "You own me!" I think because he had respect for me back then. I worked in the "office" and he worked in the "warehouse". I was in management, but we had no interaction for work...two separate areas. I did some things to him during our relationship...such a locking him out once (I was only going to keep the door locked for 15 min til he cooled off from his verbal assault on me) when he decided to walk back to his family's house 5 miles away. He brought this up to me last Friday when we were on the phone. I also threw him out several times becasue of the drinking and he would yell. I feel awful having done all this to him so I sent him an apology email. I just can't seem to move on. I love the part of him when he's sober...most of the time. I'm so educated and have a job and I'm a good mother and such, but I can't let go of this guy. I feel very weak and pitiful right now. He has learning disabilities from lack of oxygen at birth (he was breach), so I don't know if this has anything to do with his behavior. I have dated 2 guys in college that are now doctors, one of which I was almost engaged to. They never felt as passionate to me as my ex-fiance though. I have a son with multiple disabiities (autism, epilepsy, mild MR, and ADHD) and I have learned to be thankful for the basics in life more than I ever did before. Status, money, things have taken a backseat to appreciating the basics. I think this is why I "settled" for someone that I never would have remotely considered years ago. He has read my apology email and I also sent another one with the loving text messages he sent me almost 2 weeks ago, too now. I can see he read them and is keeping them. He did not delete them. He has not emailed me back or tried to call me from a new phone and I have not contacted him since Monday when I sent these 2 emails. I think I need some counseling, but it'll have to wait until I sell my house. Until then I will TRY HARD to keep NC. I have been pursued by a lifeguard at the pool where I take my son, but I have no interest. I also got on a dating site and was chatting with a guy who gave me his phone #, but I don't want to see anyone else. I'm so tired of failure! I wish I could stop missing him and crying! Why can't they just love us and stop treating us like poop?!!! I never loved a guy so much as I loved this guy. We have so much in common...and yet we don't. This life feels like torture sometimes! I hope everyone is hanging in there and doing better every day!

Ellen

Oh Ellen. I read your message and see myself. 12 years ago (I can't even believe it was that long ago) I met a man/boy who ended up being my 3rd husband briefly. He was 13 years younger than me, i was a murse and he an aid, and a very bad boy. Drank too much. Got into fights. Couldn't keep a job or a place to live. Cheated on everyone he dated. Had two kids to two different girls and was only 24 years old!, like you I grew up in a strict Catholic household. This boy had me doing things I never even considered. Besides being wildly sexual for the first time ever, I learned to ride a motorcycle and bought one. I partied more than I had in all the years before that put together. I did crazy spontaneous stuff like tattoos and piercings. . But in between I had 3 little kids that needed me. I spent my entire retirement on this guy. Lost MANY jobs, alienated friends and family. I kicked him out or he left too many times to count. Finally almost 4 years ago an old male friend from school found me online. With his friendship I found the strength to end it for good. Don't get me wrong. He continued to pull me back for another 6 months until I finally got a restraining order. I am ashamed at the loss of years and money this man cost me. But I am more sorry that since him I have continued to have relationships with emotionally unavailable men who hurt me or make me feel shamed. Stay strong and keep talking to us. We are all in this together and maybe sharing our insights etc. will help each of us grow stronger

Dorrih, thank you for sharing your life experiences with me/us! I feel comforted, but I'm sorry we are not able to get away from this life of pain. My "bad boy"'s bad is that he drinks too much, at times, and calls off sick and then loses his job, but he's always been able to find another one. To my knowledge he was only with me while we were together. (He has asked his sister's friend to go on a date, but she turned him down). He made love so wonderfully and he's the first man I ever had vaginal (always just had clitoral) orgasms with since he was big and could get my G-spot well. It wasn't just SEX, to me it was making love because the emotional side of me was involved and it was for him as well. He told me he never had it so good either. I believe him. Anyway, he doesn't seem to be like some of the other guys mentioned on here in that he isn't trying to contact me. In the past he's always waited for me to contact him again. I'm not sure why other than maybe he likes a take charge woman. We just keep running into the same problems about his drinking (his smoking doesn't bother me even though I don't smoke) and the fact that my adult children are still at home. He felt like I wasn't always paying enough attention to him and he had to compete for it. I tried so hard, but my son has disabilities and is rigid about his schedule and my daughter isn't exactly typical either. She's really an introvert with only one real friend. She's very overweight, too. He just can't handle them. We started out ok, but things went south after these issues surfaced. He tried to help me with my kids, but he would end up getting short tempered and yelling and that's a trigger for me. I just wish things could work for us, but I guess it never will. I don't expect to hear from him. I think he's angry with me and holding onto it. I can still check his fb account even though we are not "friends" and he's been listening to Metallica. They have a lot of angry, depressed, dark song lyrics and it bothers me that he's listening to these type of songs. I hope he will forgive me some day for throwing him out. I wish I never did that and could have found a different solution. I miss him and all th fun and love we shared. I guess he's made up his mind to try to move on (maybe his family is encouraging him, too?) from me since he asked someone else out? He hasn't deleted my emails, but he hasn't responded either. I'm sorry I'm going on so much about this. I just can't seem to "forget" our love. He actually was fully there for me early on until this past Christmas. My family doesn't like his "bad boy" side and my mother says he has immature behavior since we always like holding hands and hugging (in front of others). We'd sit on the same side of the booth when we went out to eat so we could be touching each other. He said he liked this and I did, too. Well, thank you for helping me! I appreciate you reading my posts and offering advice. I guess I'll just have to find some way to move on since he's not contacting me. I'm so tired of disappointing him. Seems I was always doing that...either by talking to another guy or spending too much time with my kids or not being tough enough on them...letting them walk on me. My self esteem is in the gutter! He's been married 3 times before we were engaged. I was married once. I think I must be crazy to still want him after all this, but he made me feel SO loved. I thought we were soulmates. Our song was Josh Turner's Soulmate song. I still love the song, but it's painful to hear now.

Ellen

being a woman that is going through the same thing....put him out and let him go. they are no good for us. we must learn to take care of US! I would let him come and go and then then I just snapped. I was like I can't take care of you. When a man really cares about ur well being he will start making the changes you need him to make or at least meet you half way..shoot all I asked for was therapy and church and he couldn't do that. LOL! But at least I asked and I did try to save the relationship. You can't save him! I beg you to remember that and repeat that to yourself everyday. :) Love

Thank you ladies for your support and love! I have to try harder to move on from this. I feel so alone since I really don't have friends to go out with. I may look into a support group for women who just ended a relationship. Maybe I can make a new friend or two? I like to dance and maybe someone would ask me to dance? I miss that.

Ellen: look on the Internet for the group in your area on meetup.com. This is not a dating site. Groups of people by interest that meet to do things together. I joined about 8 groups to meet new friends in my area.

Thank you Dorrih! I will look into meetup.com. I love NASCAR and I know a sports bar where they broadcast the races, but I don't want to go there alone. I'm not really into the bar scene, but I would go to one for this or to dance. Your suggestion might help me.

Ellen - it is not easy and u r not alone. i felt the same way too, that's why i log every time i am feeling down because i know i will read the things i need to read to help me stay strong. we all need to deal with the root of r emotions and i realized i am in no way ready for a relationship. healng is a journey and takes time. BE KIND AND FORGIVE YOURSELF :)

i have to be honest i haven't read every response...

i just wanted to say that i really understand when you say i'm still very sick. i totally feel like i get that. i used to say that repeatedly when i first got here. what i've learned since then is that wasn't very helpful in fact it pushed me backwards having that mindset.

it's like staying in the problem instead of being in the solution. i believe we have to be careful what we tell ourselves about this stuff now. you're standing at the edge of the cliff...what do you need to survive?? tell yourself your sick adn jump. or tell yourself you're in recovery, you're not broken, you're not sick, there's nothing wrong wtih you which will give you wings. jump now.

i can't explain it really. i'm having a hard time articulating why this was such an important shift for me but i would encourage you to consider what you ARE doing to get well. you're willing to look at your part, you're here, reading and posting. sick people staying stuck in the problem are not doing what you're doing, saving yourself. take care of yourself. be kind to yourself. be compassionate toward yourself. tell yourself how great you are not how sick you are.

one of my favorite quotes but i don't know the author is "argue for your limitations and they are yours" if you tell yourself you are sick then you are sick.

Finn: good post for me. I have used the "I'm broken" line ad nauseam. I'm not going to do it anymore. I am enormously successful in every other aspect of my life. Now I will make it my focus to conquer this. And I vow to remember that despite my addiction to these men and relationships, I am still a great person. I am a good mom. I have a successful career. I am fit and attractive. I own my own home. Drive a new car. Have friends I can count on. So you know what? If I can accomplish all that, I can beat this thing too! I'm not broken. Just confused and misdirected. I'm here. I'm in therapy. I am working to fix this one issue. Thank you Finn. I needed to hear this today