I'm am so glad that change is in sight (Friday)!

Yes, it is hard to have joy as we're in this recovering place. It can be so hard! You hang in there!

oh belle, i know. my N also shut me out when i told him i needed a break. and today i even thought about writing to him just to say i wanted to remain friends (a good friend begged em to shun these thoughts). i guess i still want closure my own way - but i won't have it, not with this person, so i will learn to accept that.
i wish you well for your friday move. you'll enter a new chapter of your life.

I just get so sad for me when I think of how many of these drama filled relationships I have entered into. I don't want to do it anymore. Seriously. Not that I ever have but I now see how needing to have basic needs met when I couldn't provide these for myself got me here. I am going 1 year without any relationship. I am not holding on to anything for one year from now. I am too embarassed and ashamed to do this ever again!

Oh, gosh, when I simply asked for space . . . I told him I would have to fall in love with him all over again . . I really needed him to be the man I thought I'd married . . the one who would let me go if that is what I came to grips with being what I needed . . .instead . . mine turned into a crazy man. I realize now that last three months was as bad as being held hostage.

I go through really hard desolate times. Finances are so hard and there is no let up in sight for me until October. I'm losing the house . . . that may be a good thing. I think as long as I'm in this house it reinforces him thinking he owns me.

My kids have been so good. It was so hard to see their dad as he really is - it sent us all reeling. Now, I even see him gleeful that I am struggling so hard and he's got it easy (since he shacked up with another woman and has less than half the bills I have) but the sob can't see how hard it is on the kids. He is glad I can't make the mortgage payment and don't have even $20 to give the kids for a pair of jeans . . the f**** is just glad I'm having such a hard time. Back to the kids . . . they have adjusted going from affluence to poverty with great maturity . . yeah, they've had their meltdowns . . but you know what? The peace is worth it even to them!

In the wilderness, I call it. But you know what? Getting ready to cross over!

Hang on tight girl!!! Friday will arrive sooner then you think!!!

RE: Not that I ever have but I now see how needing to have basic needs met when I couldn't provide these for myself got me here.

That is the most important realization that you can ever have. I have worked with several women that are simply unwilling to do this. They somehow think it is not possible. Apparently they do not realize the inability to be alone is a prerequisite to making bad choices and a strong indication that there will be a repetition of past patterns.

I read the posting about having needs met and not entering into a relationship looking to get those needs met. It resonated with me. I did have this idea before reading it but it reinforced it. I have entered into relationships knowing FULL WELL that I either 1) Needed to keep a roof over my head, 2) Needed someone so I would feel secure (even when I full well knew they did not represent ANYTHING secure 3) I was going to fix up their life so that my life wouldn't seem so screwed up or/and 4) I was going to talk myself into having a relationship with them to get these needs and whatever other needs I had met. Whew - there I said it out loud what I have been struggling to articulate for years.
I was using them. In as much as I feel used I too was using them. I want a family and a husband so bad I can taste it but I don't have it in me to go about trying to get it the wrong way again. I know what I need for the most part for the first time in my life. I know what it looks like and I am going to get all of those buckets filled before I even think about dating again. I hope the recovery doesn't take too long but I am going to do whatever it takes to be whole and then bring a partner into my life that is just as whole.
Man, am I just so exhausted from all of this.

Again . . .are we loving them for themselves? Or are we loving them for ourselves?


I am going to love him for himself! I will learn to meet my needs before I enter into another relationship.

The one thing that just broke the camel's back in my marriage was when he came to me for sex when I was so sick I couldn't do anything. That is when I realized he would 'need' me to death and I would die if I stayed.

I gave and gave and gave and gave . . and I guess I think I could have kept on giving if I knew he would/could be there for me. No, these kind are so self-preserving, then can only be consumed with their needs.

Still watching Tony Robbins . . . she's been taking care of him night in and night out since their marriage when an accident left him a quadriplegic . . Tony is sending them to spend the evening apart. They've been enmeshed since his accident, so trying to care for each other.

In my marriage, when my ex worked away from home, I could breathe . . I could relax . . I had peace . . once again, I caught a glimpse of my essence . . of who I was. The kids, too. We had such peace when he was gone.

I now realize that last three months before I couldn't take any more and kicked him out, it was like I was held hostage. Held hostage by his fear of abandonment . his manipulation . . his hypervigilance. It was so awful.

My last long term relationship that was an engagement was this type. I gave and gave and gave and tried and tried and tried and he took and took and took and still tries to get in my life and take some more. I put my foot down with him but not before I gave everything and then some and got NOTHING back but a lot of heartache.
The latest rebound guy was going to be different but turned out to be just as bad and turned bad 100 times quicker. How do you like that for the Universe shaking me awake again! I think it was a blessing but today I felt very overwhelmed by it. I will get through this. I - ME - I will fix my life and make everything right for ME. I will make my dream life come true - ME - I am the captain of this ship for once. No one else!!

Belle, that's how I felt too and I told him so. I told him "I've given and given and given and given and I've got nothing left and you still take".

Yes, I'm so glad God said "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" and I swear, that's what I heard Him say, as His gavel slammed onto the desk!

I have just recognised this trait in myself. The giving and giving. And I did it all. He didnt even ask. I just gave and gave and rescued and enabled a heavy pot smoker, who at 40 years of age was living with his mother. So I offered myself, my bed, money, looked after his dog etc. Now he has moved into his own place and has no use for me. Im glad in a way cos it was totally wearing me down. I picked up Melody Beatties book Codependent no more. I was on every page. And this is something I do in every relationship. My self esteem is critically low. Have been no contact for 2 weeks now. Feel used but I can definately see my part in it all, Ugh!

There is only one person that are definitely going to be in a relationship for the rest of your life and that person looks at you in the mirror every morning when you brush your teeth. That is the person that most needs your love, attention and respect. Thinking that we can get that from another person when we do not even value ourselves enough not to be a door mat is a critical error in judgment.