Sounds like your panicking. .. have regret and are consumed.

You don't want to distract yourself and like the pain? How long has it been since you left your husband?

A year ago last week. I think I am afraid to let go. I left in desperation because he would not pay any attention to me. I begged him for months to just go to dinner with me, go to a movie, go on a walk, watch a movie with me and he refused saying he was always too tired. I felt so alone when I left that I did crazy things. Everyone tells me that he is not healthy as he started drinking again after 11 years of not drinking. But he is not a bad man. He has always provided for his family and was always faithful, I was the one who went astray. He begged me to come back for 6 months, but I was too wrapped up with someone else, only to find out that he was no winner either. I would like to break my cycle of always thinking and looking for someone else. I always think there is someone better out there, but the ones I pick are emotionally unavailable. I am just learning that maybe I pick them because I also am not very good at showing my emotions.

take a deep breath!! your energy is vibrating very high.... i think we can all pick up on that...tell me where i'm wrong, i pick up on this desperation to escape the pain of not being able to stop what you cannot control.

this smells like addiction to me so NO YOU DO NOT DESERVE this. there may be a lesson in here for sure but i don't believe there is a punishing god up in the sky doling out this punishment to you b/c you deserve it for the bad choices you've made in the past. (we all make bad choies, we still love you shani)

are you ready to dig in? are you ready to recover? are you willing to do whatever it takes to get well??? that includes letting him go on vacation with her. not contacting him. giving him space. and working on your own obsession (i.e. addiction)

i had the thought it would be really unfair to have him come back to you now drinking not changed for the better not changed in terms of giving you attention only to realize down the road you don't want him again. that would really not be fair to use hi mto play out your addiction.

if you get yourself straight, then you can decide if you want him or not. deciding you want him back when neither one of you has done any recovery work is in most likelihood not going to end well.

this might require you commit to staying single for a period of time to take your life back. to get well.

i know this may sound harsh. i feel like i'm talking to your addiction right now. but what i'd say to you is welcome home girl....we're here for you

there are things you can do right now to help you tolerate the intensity of your pain...

i recommend you consider setting up a no contact plan with him.... remember www.baggagereclaim.com

natalie talks about no contact at length. read your ass off there.... every time you feel like you're gonna break or combust or die, get some ice in each hand. hold it over the sink and wait and watch and observe it melting....distract yourself 15 minutes at a time.

if you stick with it you can get well relatively quickly.............

gentle hugs!

"deciding you want him back when neither one of you has done any recovery work is in most likelihood not going to end well ... this might require you commit to staying single for a period of time to take your life back. to get well."

to add my two cents here -- i think finn was bang-on with those lines, and the two words that jump out especially are "recovery work." this is not about him, he is just your symptom. i feel your pain and your panic but don't give into those gremlins! take a deep breath and think about recovery work, not to recover your man, more to recover your sense of self-worth, happiness and peace. the no-contact thing is not to send any kind of message or mete out any kind of punishment, it's just to give you space to focus on you. bon courage...

To me, it feels like you want everything back the way it was so you don't have to face sorting out the future for yourself, with or without someone else. Fear of being alone and abandoned.
I hear you.
And understand how much pain you are in, its awful, I have been there too and was constantly vomiting every day for a week until I had resolved it. My new 'love' had love-bombed me for ten days 24/7 and then cancelled a date and went to Spain for a week. By the time he contacted me I was a mess of confusion, pain, fear, anger.,,..and I just wanted to make it stop. In hindsight what he did to me was unkind and not fair and I shouldn't have given I'm the time of day but ho hum….I would do anything to make the pain stop.

For me, the right thing to do would have been to cherish and nurture MYSELF. Not run or need someone else to make me feel good. I should have been aware that the need I had in me for him was too intense to be healthy. SO for the last 2 years I have been searching for myself and the person I gave up.

Please take this fear and use it to nuture and cherish you. That is where you need to begin, not by chasing a man you abused. ( if unintentionally) I don't think going back to him will help you any, it will just get you back to where you didn't want to be. I too left my husband of ten years because I too felt ignored, exactly like you. I felt like part of the wall paper. But it was my job to create a life which invigorated me, not his. I was angry with him for ignoring me but actually I WAS IGNORING MYSELF.

Do something once for yourself and move on. I agree with the no contact thing.
You need to STOP IGNORING YOURSELF first before you can expect attention from someone outside of you.

I send you a hug, go run a hot bath…xxxx

* SO for the last 2 years I have been searching for myself and the person I gave up.
( by this I mean myself.) x

Thank you all for your replys. Not to defer from the problem of ME, but I find myself a little more at ease since my period started. I think I am going through menopause and am having drastic mood swings just before my period starts. Having said that I know I need to work on me. Me is not well and just recently have I started working with a woman counselor, I always chose men, on me. I have many issues from my past that I have ignored for a long time. I have severe abandonment issues. I have never really loved myself. But I am starting to. I never have had such a panic attack before either. It was really scary. I was so worked up over him leaving that I thought I would die. But now after he's been gone for a few days I feel better. There has been no contact. Why is it so hard to love me?

oh Shani, why is it so hard to love me? - thats a killer of a question!
I can't come up with an answer really, except I wish I could, I feel the same!
I don't think I ever learnt how to in the first place, so Im beginning to make some progress!
It never really occurred to me to do anything to make me happy but just focus on others….im changing that!

Like someone said - think it was Finn! - we don't know, what we don't know!!!
xxx

(((((((((shani)))))))))

i know it seems impossible at times to love yourself however it's not that hard. it's not like a switch you just flick on. it's a slow process of learning compassion for yourself. and i learned how to be compassionate and gentle with myself through self validation and being mindful while standing still.

stop running...... love....... you can tolerate what you fear the most.......it won't kill you...... just take a little baby step at a time one day at a time and before you know it you will be on the path toward loving yourself.