Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
im experiencing a problem here, which im sure most of you have as well.
how do you be tactful without being passive aggressive? for example. i have some real nice HE washers and dryers, ive asked, told everyone, to not leave clothes in overnight, because it was happening excessively, and to leave the washer door open when they are done, if you dont since the seal is so tight it causes mold in the seals. it needs to air out to dry out. now, 3 times, i have found clothes in the washer in the morning, cold and smelling moldy. and she doesnt want me to put it in the dryer, cause something shrunk before, oh well. i asked my roomate, to take her clothes out of the washroom, because it is also being my art room because of the venalation. she said she didnt want to put them on her bed tonight, because she would be tired when she got home from work and wanted to do it during the day. now this was like 2 weeks ago. its still in there, and piling up on the table. and i feel guilty if i ask her to do it again, since ive already asked her once.
i feel i should just fold it for her, and set it on her bed. i dont want the conflict. because she is obviously ignoring me if i have asked once. ive also asked her to make sure the cat box is clean in the morning, not sit with poop all day, its not my cat. i have two dogs, i told her when she moved in i never wanted to see a catbox or smell one. but low and behold, here comes my dogs running out with cat turds, yuck. and now they think that since the cat poops in the house, so should they. i have to re train them. i never charged a deposit for her. i like her, but i dont know how to deal with this. im constantly cleaning up. sure, when she is awake and moving around, she will do dishes once and a while, but its becoming less and less. and i am the only one, who sweeps the floor, scrubs the toilets, vacuums the couch... and does most of the dishes, cause i dont want to look at them sit there for days till someone decides to put them in the dishwasher, since they cant do it after they eat.
im really having trouble dealing with this. i dont know how to approach it, i dont know how to be assertive, but friendly at the same time. im dealing with my own things right now. i need home to be a clean, safe, and calm place for me to be. i dont want to wake up to pans on the stove with splattered grease and a sinkful of dishes after i just washed them all the night before. or a laundryroom full of clothes. my BF is bad about it too, but i can yell at him, and i can clean up after him. i cant her.
i was going to wash last night, i left it open for her, since she said she had to work and needed clothes. i dont think she got them done. did i mention she has a little boy too? he is good, but we do watch him alot.
she is assertive with me. she tells me my gambling problem is easy to fix. tells me how it is with her all the time. so why cant i?
she is a WWL2M as well, in total denial. all of her ex's have drug problems or have been or are going to jail. she is paying her ex, baby's dad, his first month rent on a new place. she is paying for her current bf to stay out of jail and do alternatives. i tried to talk to her, everyone gets worried about her, cause generally she is a nice person, but i really dont know how to deal with this at this point without sounding like an ass.
she told me that if i was going to use the laundry room for my art and have a plan in mind, then to put stuff in her room and she would deal with it, otherwise, leave it where it is.
now how is that suposed to make me feel? im not starting my artwork, because i dont want to feel like an ass by throwing laundry on her bed.
how do you be tactful without being passive aggressive? for example. i have some real nice HE washers and dryers, ive asked, told everyone, to not leave clothes in overnight, because it was happening excessively, and to leave the washer door open when they are done, if you dont since the seal is so tight it causes mold in the seals. it needs to air out to dry out. now, 3 times, i have found clothes in the washer in the morning, cold and smelling moldy. and she doesnt want me to put it in the dryer, cause something shrunk before, oh well. i asked my roomate, to take her clothes out of the washroom, because it is also being my art room because of the venalation. she said she didnt want to put them on her bed tonight, because she would be tired when she got home from work and wanted to do it during the day. now this was like 2 weeks ago. its still in there, and piling up on the table. and i feel guilty if i ask her to do it again, since ive already asked her once.
i feel i should just fold it for her, and set it on her bed. i dont want the conflict. because she is obviously ignoring me if i have asked once. ive also asked her to make sure the cat box is clean in the morning, not sit with poop all day, its not my cat. i have two dogs, i told her when she moved in i never wanted to see a catbox or smell one. but low and behold, here comes my dogs running out with cat turds, yuck. and now they think that since the cat poops in the house, so should they. i have to re train them. i never charged a deposit for her. i like her, but i dont know how to deal with this. im constantly cleaning up. sure, when she is awake and moving around, she will do dishes once and a while, but its becoming less and less. and i am the only one, who sweeps the floor, scrubs the toilets, vacuums the couch... and does most of the dishes, cause i dont want to look at them sit there for days till someone decides to put them in the dishwasher, since they cant do it after they eat.
im really having trouble dealing with this. i dont know how to approach it, i dont know how to be assertive, but friendly at the same time. im dealing with my own things right now. i need home to be a clean, safe, and calm place for me to be. i dont want to wake up to pans on the stove with splattered grease and a sinkful of dishes after i just washed them all the night before. or a laundryroom full of clothes. my BF is bad about it too, but i can yell at him, and i can clean up after him. i cant her.
i was going to wash last night, i left it open for her, since she said she had to work and needed clothes. i dont think she got them done. did i mention she has a little boy too? he is good, but we do watch him alot.
she is assertive with me. she tells me my gambling problem is easy to fix. tells me how it is with her all the time. so why cant i?
she is a WWL2M as well, in total denial. all of her ex's have drug problems or have been or are going to jail. she is paying her ex, baby's dad, his first month rent on a new place. she is paying for her current bf to stay out of jail and do alternatives. i tried to talk to her, everyone gets worried about her, cause generally she is a nice person, but i really dont know how to deal with this at this point without sounding like an ass.
she told me that if i was going to use the laundry room for my art and have a plan in mind, then to put stuff in her room and she would deal with it, otherwise, leave it where it is.
now how is that suposed to make me feel? im not starting my artwork, because i dont want to feel like an ass by throwing laundry on her bed.
The house cleaning thing, girl, you need to set boundaries for both of them. Either they pull their weight or you all chip in for a maid. Period. don't bother yelling anymore. When they realize they will need to pull out of there own pocket $50 or more a month to get a maid to come in a clean, they will start picking up after themselves. You are not a mother to them. If you are constantly doing dishes etc, stop it, get a maid to do the major housework, make them give you the $ in advance for it twice a month. If they tell you they can't afford it, you cannot continue to have your boundaries disrespected, so they will need to find a way to afford it, or the consequence will be they have to move. You have the right to live as you want to in your home.
Now on the other side of the token, when you live with others, there has to be some give and take. But if you yell at them it conditions them to not do it until you get upset. When it directly affects them, THEN you will see the change. So with BF, well you will need to set a clear boundary with consequences, and be ready to follow through on whatever those consequences are. Get the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. It will help you work through that issue.
When you make the decision to live with other adults, this is the kind of situations where your disgust tolerance has different levels is very tolerable. I can tell you that I am I would NEVER do any of these things because I am so grateful for my roommate. She owns the house and I do not want to do anything that will piss her off and she shows me the door. The kitchen is completely clean when I am done cooking (but I am like that regardless) and I don't leave my stuff in the laundry room.
I would go to the store and buy that super bright construction paper and make a sign that reads: Please do not leave clothes in washer or dryer. Remove immediately.
And then I would tell her: Here is the deal, if you don't want your clothes in the dryer, you need to make sure they are removed. If they are not taken out of the washer, I will put them in the dryer and then put them in your room.
How is this unfair? If she does not want her clothes shrunk then she needs to be responsible about taking them out of the laundry room. She is a grown ass woman. Why should you be responsible for her bad habits?
I find the comment about the dogs going to the bathroom in the house a little odd. I had 2 older dogs (5 and 6) when I adoped a cat (and a litter box) and they did not revert to going to the bathroom in the house. It may have more to do with the move then with the cat. And btw, that eating cat crap is super common and horribly gross. My dog used to do the same thing and I am a fanatical housekeeper and would clean the litter box twice a day and always before I left for work. You can't control when the cat is going to go. Thankfully I had a spare bathroom that no one used so I put the catbox in there and a dog gate so the dog could not get to it. Several of my friends that have both types of animals have to do that (put a barrier between the dogs and the cat box) because of that 'charming habit'.
There are work arounds to everything. Everyone is placed in your life to show you that you still have work to do with asserting yourself in a healthy way. You can do this!!! Pass the test!!!
I like the boundaries book as well. We have to retrain ourselves in all areas.
When you make the decision to live with other adults, this is the kind of situations where your disgust tolerance has different levels on what is tolerable. I can tell you that I am I would NEVER do any of these things because I am so grateful for my roommate. She owns the house and I do not want to do anything that will piss her off and she shows me the door. The kitchen is completely clean when I am done cooking (but I am like that regardless) and I don't leave my stuff in the laundry room.
I would go to the store and buy that super bright construction paper and make a sign that reads: Please do not leave clothes in washer or dryer. Remove immediately.
And then I would tell her: Here is the deal, if you don't want your clothes in the dryer, you need to make sure they are removed. If they are not taken out of the washer, I will put them in the dryer and then put them in your room.
How is this unfair? If she does not want her clothes shrunk then she needs to be responsible about taking them out of the laundry room. She is a grown ass woman. Why should you be responsible for her bad habits?
I find the comment about the dogs going to the bathroom in the house a little odd. I had 2 older dogs (5 and 6) when I adoped a cat (and a litter box) and they did not revert to going to the bathroom in the house. It may have more to do with the move then with the cat. And btw, that eating cat crap is super common and horribly gross. My dog used to do the same thing and I am a fanatical housekeeper and would clean the litter box twice a day and always before I left for work. You can't control when the cat is going to go. Thankfully I had a spare bathroom that no one used so I put the catbox in there and a dog gate so the dog could not get to it. Several of my friends that have both types of animals have to do that (put a barrier between the dogs and the cat box) because of that 'charming habit'.
There are work arounds to everything. Everyone is placed in your life to show you that you still have work to do with asserting yourself in a healthy way. You can do this!!! Pass the test!!!
I like the boundaries book as well. We have to retrain ourselves in all areas.
The problem with that is that things are not sliding. They are simmering and then one day you will explode over nothing when it was a series of things that you let go.
We have to fight against our selves. Not wanting to make people angry comes from a desire to people please and a fear of abandonment and rejection.
Why don't they feel the same? Why aren't they so scared of making people angry that they won't clean up their dishes and get their laundry out of the laundry room?
Since everyone is not the same, and givers always seem to end up interacting with takers, you are going to have to push past uncomfortable to do what is FAIR. You are not a stark raving lunatic, you are just setting down the 'rules' for how to be comfortable when several adults are living in the same space.
The very next day after moving in, she met some guy on a dating site, and went out to meet him in person. Within 2 hrs she brought him back into my house and upstairs where he stayed all night. Nobody asked me if I wanted a total stranger sleeping in my house. Someone who might be a felon, rapist/ serial killer, who knows, neither of us knew him. He could kill us in our sleep, walk off w/ all my stuff in the middle of the night, whatever. I was astonished at how disrespectful she was. This was just the beginning.
Months went by and she didn't lift a finger around the house, except for cleaning the kitchen (she was the only one that used it). Not once did she vacuum or mop or clean the toilet. She only worked PT and had all the time in the world to spend an hour or so cleaning every week in exchange for free rent but no.
On top of it, my utility bills doubled or tripled and I couldn't afford it. She sat in the house all day w/ a space heater on full blast. Her sob story about not being able to afford to pay her portion of the bills was total bs of course. She could afford all these luxuries like tanning every week, gym membership, cable tv, massages, etc... all things I couldn't afford, yet I was supposed to pay her bills.
I was getting more and more pissed at the state of my house, being filthy. Finally, after a weekend of me working my ass off to clean while she was out dating or spending every waking second w/ her abusive bf (they ended up back together, but I was still supporting her), I texted her to help me clean. She gave me excuses about how she was out on a date that day, the next day was valentines day so she had to spend the ENTIRE day w/ her bf (couldn't spare just an hour), and then she just totally blew me off and continued to go out w/ her bf every second she wasn't at work.
So I understand being ignored and blown off when asking them to do their fair share. It's total bs. I will never do it again. I was so afraid of coming off as bitchy. Even that 2nd night when some stranger was asleep in my house, I was afraid to appear like a bitch by knocking on her bdrm door and asking him to leave. So I stayed the ENTIRE night awake on my couch downstairs so he wouldn't try to kill me or rob me in the middle of the night. How ridiculous is that for me to do that in MY OWN HOME when I'm paying ALL the bills?? It's insane! But when I did finally have the guts to stand up to her and ask her to do what she agreed to be doing from the very beginning, she just blew me off. She had no intention, from day 1, of doing her fair share. She was just looking for someone to mooch off and saw me as a doormat.
So I'm not really sure what you should do. I wouldn't back down though, don't let her treat you like a doormat like I did. Keep being assertive and don't be afraid to be a bitch. If I had to do it all again, I'd be the biggest bitch there was. Good luck.
I agree with Suzy. I have the same problem with being assertive, however, not speaking up for yourself and failing to set boundaries always comes back to bite YOU. Plus, people won't know unless you tell them. I am in my forties as well, and I admit that I am not as afraid of hurting someone's feelings or making them mad by letting them know something is bothering me as I was when I was younger, and guess what? I have found that feeling like I was going to hurt someone or make someone mad was more about my insecurities than anything else. People usually are pretty much ok about it. My N ex, however, was never ok about being confronted. He would either blow me off or get angry, thus I became really good (like you) at just shutting up and doing things myself. That actually damaged me in so many ways and was the start of the loss of self that many of us experience. Dracona, right now you are being taken unfair advantage of by your roommate. Please take a deep breath and confront the situation. You can do it. If she gets mad tell her you're sorry SHE feels that way but you really need for this to be corrected. It will be ok, really.