So sorry to hear that happened to you. I can never understand adults that do that to children, however, I think it's better to talk about it than to try to just forget about it, learning why we are this way is part of the process of changing it from what I understand. I just never wanted to admit my fear of abandonment was because of my dad always leaving when we were kids.

you were sexually abused and you have carried the burden as a child all by yourself. that absolutely was so wrong and should never have happened. unless and until you heal all of that your relationships will not serve YOU!

i think you're asking the right questions though. when we keep the focus on what they are doing we lose sight of the fact that our codpendency keeps it all alive and well. if you were not participating you would not be having problems from him.

figuring out how you got this way may help you or some or you might just realize that for a whole host of reasons you have become codependent which is the good news!! anyone can heal from codependency!!!! codependents have some most amazing qualities to their personalities things we can be proud of. learn as much as you can about codependency, keep the focus on yourself and on doing exactly what you're doing!!!! going out by yourself, rebuilding your life, feeling better about yourself, regaining your strength. you're doing great sunny.

i personally went down that road to try to figure out what the hell went wrong with me so that i could understand it and now i greatly regret wasting all that time. if i had just accepted where i was for whatever reason i would have done a whole lot more healing than i have now. i have no blame or resentment anymore. it's all my responsibility. this might sound harsh sunny, however you are today is your responsibility so it might not really matter how you got this way. i think as you study and learn you will come to understand what comes from where......ya know???

there is no right answer. all i can tell you is i had an insatiable need to figure myself out, what happened why do i hate myself so much??? why do i abuse myself so much?? i regret all that waste time. it is what it is and you can pick up wherever you are with whatever you've got and begin to heal.......

i'm sorry you were molested. that is just so unfair and sucky and scary for a child to deal with all on her own.

sunny i admire how you show up here and you are talking and sharing and you are taking active steps to regain control in your life......keep it up!!!!!

I did tell my parents a few years ago about that day in the hotel, my Dad cried. It was awful. That was why I didnt tell him/them in the first place!

I accept your point, and its great to have your insight Finn, I am just trying to find a way to get better. Do I start at the beginning or the present ?! It is what it is I guess. But Im trying to figure out exactly where I am and what I need to work on.!

I have turned a corner since coming on here.

and since my ASSCLOWN abused my daughter by name calling and truing to humiliate her, that was the final eye opener and his shouting at me the next day.
That was it.

But like I said before, I have to remember it really started with the family portrait on our wedding day - I wasnt allowed in!!!

but I have allowed all this to happen and now I have to find a way to move forward.

sunny.....in my opinion, this journey starts with learning self compassion. if you do not have that and ALOT OF IT it's hard to move on.

we make these choices b/c our self worth is not very high. based on your history OF COURSE you made the decisions and choices you have made. it's all about validation and SELF VALIDATION and being kind ot yourself.....

you have already started. you don't need a starting point b/c you've already started.....you're already realizing this isn't gonna work fo ryou it and that he is the way he is and you're willing to do anything to protect your daughter...sunny you're doing great. we can't push the river on this thing. it's a process that you have already started you see??

you're doing exactly what many of us have done....just not fully b/c of the no contact thing. but you are already taking care of yourself, you are taking your life back you are building your life back up......

go easy, slow down, be patient.....you are already on your way.
read, study codependency
keep the focus on yourself, doing self nurturing things
build your life back up, try to find some joy
grieve your losses
validate yourself and use self compassion
just trust that what needs to come up will come up in the universe's timing....you don't need to explore anything that you are not inspired to explore.......trust.........
keep coming here and talking and sharing and supporting other people here....this is our site. everyone's feedback is valuable.

this is how i did it...........you're doing great sunny, rest assured......

I learned what 'living in the fantasy' means this morning.

I was feeling resentful that assclown hadnt done something the way I expected him to ( thank me for making his breakfast) ' in my fantasy' so I think I finally get what that means. I accepted the reality and it really helped me to stop living by my fantasy expectations and accept what is really happening and go with that.

Hmm Im liking it.

WOWEEEEE that is HUGE!!!!

Sunny:
In my case my therapist thought it would be helpful to explore the "why's" of how I got to this place. We then did EMDR therapy to help process the sexual molestation that occurred when I was six. It helped me to grieve the loss of my innocence and helped me forgive myself for the way I have lived my life. It gave me understanding and peace and acceptance. I think it just depends on the person. That's what I needed. You ,au not. Either way I am so happy watching you grow on this forum. You are amazing.

Thanks girls.

Im learning every day.
Im determined not to accept less than respectful and positive behaviour from people in my life.
and prepared to live with the consequences too.
x

Talked with my parents yesterday about all this.
Was sad, they often discuss between them what they did wrong with their parenting of me.
I have no answers.

My Dad says he overheard me on the phone to a bf when I was about 13 (must have been one of my first) and I was sunservient and demeaning myself, almost grovelling to this person. He said he had a talk with me then about it.
He said me and your mum always boosted you up about everything, and there was always lots to be positive about. SO I dont know what we did wrong."

It was appositive day, but emotional. No secrets now.