I should add things have been ok recently. None of the Jekyl and Hyde behaviour coming out…until now.

He runs a swimming school with 800 pupils and it is the end of term, the reason for buzyness and stress. I also work for him in this too. I have worked with him and done everything for Christmas ( we have 6 children!) ordered the food/gifts and cleaned the house as well as worked and fed everyone as we all do….but all Im getting from him is how unsupportive I am….I said just because he was tired there was no need to be spiteful…and then it has started again….

I take the stance of silence and keeping my head down and busy, out of his way.

Also we had a horrible incident last week. He had a row with my daughter who is 17. It was over something silly. She has issues also maybe on the autistic spectrum so has trouble with anger control.
The door to our garage had been locked and she was just taking her laundry out to the dryer and couldn't get in the door….she blamed him and called him all sorts of names in a rage…he called her seriously rude names back.
He came back into the room, we were in the middle of a movie, and I made him laugh about it. He got up to unlock the house door ( he thought it would teach her a lesson to lock her out!) and she caught him and thought/assumed he was locking it! So she tried to barge her way in, he pushed her, she pushed him, she punched him in the chest and kicked him. He then grabbed her and pinned her down by her throat and forehead in some sort of judo throw onto the sofa. She was screaming and very scared. I pulled him off and shouted at them both to stop.

They were both in the wrong, he is an adult and should not have done that, she shouldn't have kicked him etc either. My daughter was so upset and hysterical sobbing with him. I was very scared and couldnt get this image out of my head for days. My assclown was also quiet and sick about it all.
anyway I digress.

It was getting better.
To see the man I love hurt my child broke my heart. I know she has problems with controlling herself and so does he. It was just horrible. horrible. I cried for days.

sorry to ramble….

Hey sunny...now that you are going for a holiday....enjoy it. :))

Sunny, his behaviour towards you daughter is reprehensible and totally not acceptable! She is 17 and may be slightly autistic , he is a fully grown , fat (!) man , not even her father who physically attacked and I will use the word , assaulted her. Wake up Sunny, re-read all of your previous posts, just because he can throw money at the odd all inclusive holiday doesn't sugar coat the fact he is an as assclown, abusive, narc ! No real man would attack a young girl who is hysterical and physically not his equal , no gentle-man would assault a girl. no man should ever use force on anyone especially a girl or a woman. You know exactly who you have married, and why you have married him. Now use those hours lounging around the pool on holiday to take stock and seriously evaluate your relationship, what and who matters to you and you must protect and where Sunny is going in her Life. I am not judging, advising or interfering, just my reaction to what you have posted ! Ladies anyone else going to add their views?

sunny….you have no bottom lines which is dangerous as far as i'm concerned. i had no bottom lines and allowed my ex to abuse the shit out of me in every way. my exes i should say.

nothing is going to change sunny until you make healthier decisions for yourself and your daughter.

it is pointless to have a bottom line if you would never back it up. i think you have no intention of ending things with him so that can never be a bottom line. but just as you have seen, not having a bottom line places your daughter in harm's way.

you can come here for validation when things are bad and we will always be here for you to listen and to validate what an assclown he is. we all care about you. but i'm seriously concerned about your judgment b/c the abuse to your daughter is a sure bottom line any mother ought to have.

tough love sunny.

i don't know why you expected anything different from him regarding a vacation/honeymoon. he has not changed just b/c things had been going well. this is like a binge drinker who believes they don't have a problem b/c they just went months without drinking. but a binge drinker is a special sort of alcoholic that is harder to get treatment for. it's harder for them to get sober b/c the bingeing is infrequent and the periods in between they use to justify that it's not a problem.

you're still in it. what have you done toward your plan to get out?? jobs, money, savings?

you're daughter may lose respect for you for not protecting her sunny. i'm appalled that he would put his hands on someone with special needs. you are not protecting her. that is not okay. her brain is not even done growing AND she is on the spectrum so she cannot be expected to sort out her anger on her own.

this incident trumps your disappointment about the holiday. or you could take a stand and refuse to go just b/c he felt guilty about it doesn't mean it won't happen again.

No holiday. we didn't go. He got the date of the flight wrong, so we missed it!

I don't know what to say.
I know my daughter had the same effect on my last husband who was a kind and gentle man. She just rubs them up the wrong way. She played her part in this, I am not defending him, but I did and do defend her.

I am finishing my degree and saving, supporting my daughter in her quest to get her drivers licence and leave to go to Uni.
I have posted in here before that the reason I haven't left is because it would upset my daughter more than if I stayed. She hates change. and I do discuss it with her all the time. She is in counselling at the moment to try and help herself and learn about her anger and how to control it.
I am working towards being strong enough to leave.
x

Sunny. I had a stepfather like your husband. I was a strong willed teenager. Just because you're young doesn't mean you have to accept bad treatment. An adult should never EVER touch a kid. My stepfather verbally and physically abused me and my mother let it happen because she didn't want to be alone. She finally ran him off when he cheated on her. My relationship with her is strained now. I don't feel that I can trust her and there is still alot of pain.

I did jump to her defence, I got between them and sent him out of the house.
She started with the kicking and thumping….

but he should never have touched her, especially as she hates being touched it made it even worse for her., I know.
I have talked to her about it and leaving but she wants to stay til she goes to Uni, we have a plan and she's going to get a car and focus on her studies. Moving really unsettles her so she decided its ok for us to be here until she goes.
I am not making excuses for his reaction.

We are saving up and staying safe. She has started self defence classes too!!!

Thanks for sharing that Iamheretoo.
x

sunny, i know i was harsh with you…ii'm sorry. don't think you are being honest with yourself personally.

i think she would do better with change than being in a relationship with an abusive step father. this is what i believe you are telling yourself to make it okay to stay b/c you are not ready to leave for your own reasons. b/c the other side of that coin if you want to make it about your daughter is that she is learning by watching how to be in relationships with men. she is learning from her mother how it is acceptable to be treated. what is normal. what is expected. what is okay. she may be on the spectrum but she will drive and go to university she has a job, she will also have relationships. the most important role model for any child is the same sex parent. even a college education is not more important than that in my opinion.

take it with a grain of salt sunny b/c i'm not a mom and i don't know if my addiction to men would override my decisions for the best interest of my child. b/c i wanted kids so badly and i didn't get to have them (based on y own poor decisions in men) i would like to believe that i would put my children ahead of my own needs and desires. hanging around in these relationships for our own purposes is one thing but holding a child captive in these relationships is completely another.

would you do anything differently if you knew that being in this relationship will have lasting effects on your daughter?? what if by leaving sent the opposite message to your daughter and showed her how strong you are?? and what matters most?? and what you will not stand for is someone putting their hands on her??? what kind of message do you think that would send her as opposed to the one she is getting now??

i think your priorities may be misguided.

again sunny i was a social worker in child protection and perinatal substance abuse and early childhood developmental disabilities for 25 years. so i am hard core when it comes to protecting children. you are clearly not seeing things from the same perspective so i thought i'd offer mine. something really clear about children's safety. especially kids with special needs.

"She played her part in this, I am not defending him, but I did and do defend her." you are blaming your daughter with special needs who cannot help herself at the moment. you say you are not defending him but then you put a big fat BUT in there which erases that thought. it erases the entire sentence.

sunny i really care about you. i think you are beautiful, artistic, smart, funny, supportive, caring, i know you are strong b/c you have a child with special needs…..i just thin yu are putting this man who you plan to leave ahead of your daughter's best interests….i don't even judge you. i think you are in an impossibly difficult situation. i don't know what i would do if i were in your shoes except i wouldn't be putting fear as my number one priority. i have compassion for you and i care what happens to you and especially to your daughter. i think as a parent of a teenage daughter you have an added responsibility to make things right. it's good she's in counseling.

this is about responsibility. whenever we have kids it's about that. otherwise there is no real hurry.

Im just a mess Finn.
Went to see Docs about anti - depressants.
I cant think straight about it most days.

always be straight with me. I can take it. I need it,

x x x

Finn what an amazing, measured, fair and professional summary and comment on Sunny's situation. Sunny our hearts go out to you, we know this 3rd marriage isn't easy for you, but we do read your posts and cumulatively it is not making the best picture of a marriage which is worth saving . We are not judging, but by heck girl, the evidence in favour of you as an artistic, beautiful, intelligent , sassy lady is stacked high whereas the outlook for Mr Long Term cheating, Lying, Violent, Narc H. is not even in the same ball-park! The fact that you are after anti-D's is all back to front, we have all been there, these Narcs will ground a WWLTM as far down to the nub as they can, and when they have had their sport, they will D&D you in a micro-second and you will be left hit by the Train Wreck , on the floor and possibly very spiritually, mentally, physically , emotionally sick. It is truly a Godsend that your 'vacation' was cancelled, and like hell he got the dates wrong, don't put it past him to have messed up to punish you for sticking up for your daughter! And more to the point , why didn't you know what date/time the flight was, this is basic stuff ! Sunny you are being very sensible to prepare yourself financially and emotionally for this to end, the signs aren't good from where the rest of us are reading, and his behaviour towards your daughter is assault! Maybe as Finn suggests you should rethink your game plan and take your stand now instead of waiting for your Narc H to ramp up the ante ? Forget the anti Ds all they are is a coping strategy for the unacceptable , and as soon as you are strong and resolute in yourself to kick this ash*le into touch once and for all, you will be laughing all the way to freedom, your authentic self, and a happy life for your and your kids. You don't need a man to validate who you are already, you can do better Sunny. You are an artist and your Life is your canvas, do you like what you see? Paint your own rainbow Sunny ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

oh Butter, thank you all so much.
Im sick of myself for all this stupid nonsense I keep feeling the need to write…

as for the flight details, I wasn't 'allowed' to know the holiday details - it was all done without my involvement at all. I was told to trust him to sort it….when questioned what the plans were.

I am scared to leave.
I am scared of not being able to find the strength to leave him, when I know I should.
I have nothing, no money no friends no job no car. All things forbidden by him.

I am slowly finding the strength to be myself and I am looking forward to each step towards myself and my future.
I went out and bought a fish yesterday! a silly small thing I know but he said 'I forbid it!' such a stupid thing to be so strict about and to speak to me like a child. So I went right out and bought TWO!!! I am sick to death of him doing that to me. They are beautiful siamese fighting fish. and I love them, on my desk, every day! One small step.

A girl in the pub asked me in the ladies powder room at a dinner three nights ago if I was ok, are you happy she said. I stopped and said ' sometimes' she said jeez girl you are a strong woman, be strong. He's just a man.

I have noticed I am not so scared of him hurting me anymore. That moment when he had that confrontation with my daughter everything stopped for me. Yes he's sorry etc. He said at the time he just wanted her to lose.

I was looking forward to going away in a way because I was planning on having some serious conversations with him but apart from that I could do without it., I would rather be with my children!

I am aware I am becoming home bound so next year I am joining a slimming group near me to try and meet some people and lose some weight I have put on since I met him.

I feel ashamed of how I feel, I have everything a women could want from the outside. I feel ungrateful. He keeps me and my children, everyone thinks he is generous and kind. But at the dinner three nights ago there were three different people who came up to me and asked me how I was coping with living with Ken….what do they see that I don't. ?!

and ya know what, I DO realise this is up to me to sort out.
I am saving slowly. I am working hard to get my degree.
I am disengaging from him.

xxxxx

Well done Sunny, you are sounding more coherent and there is strength in that post.