Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

576 Members
8,726 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Women who Love too Much Support Group

hjkn

solo60
solo60
This is just me rambling but I'd still welcome your thoughts....The XN that brought me to this point works at a camp just down the road from my house. I can't leave the area without driving past it and I hold my breath everytime I do because I might see him out and around the facility. I half dread running into him but at the same time I seem to feel some relief at knowing he's still around. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want him back. What is this need I have for the reassurance of him being here? I don't understand. He could take another job somewhere else. It's a long drive from where he's living now to this job and he could find one closer to his living accomodations...his new wife's house...so I'm wondering why he stays here...I guess I want to believe it's because of me but that's not a good reason if I don't want him. I don't understand my need with this. My coping mechanisms are really screwy...I read his horoscope almost everyday...I don't live my life by horoscopes but his was always pretty accurate. It's like it's giving me a clue as to what's going on in his life, which BTW is not too good. Not too surprising to me...He does stuff for a the wrong reasons and then pays the price. I could almost write his horoscope myself. lol Right about now, the person he married will be starting to see the real N coming out. He's so predictable now. He can only sustain that "other personnae" for about a year and then the illusion gets shattered. This seems to be common N timeframe. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what kind of a nut I'd turn into if he left this job and I didn't have some way of deciphering what's going on in his life. Why is this important to me now? I'm NC but I still haven't been able to stop the obsessive thinking.
goingup
goingup
I think his physical proximity is probably what is preventing you from moving on. This is a real stretch...but maybe your way of obsessing over him still is to try and have some control over the situation? If you read his horoscope, it can almost be seen as a way of knowing what he will be doing in a particular day. And maybe it makes you feel more empowered, therefore, when you drive past the camp in your car and feel those inevitable spikes of dread. You can have a way of seeing perhaps into what's on his mind...making the unknown easier to deal with?
Merrylegsmom
Merrylegsmom
Hjkn...I understand, like most of us here, the obsessive thoughts..I am not sure why you/we do this but I am trying something new. I try to meditate and surround myself with good positive light and energy and then I visualize him in a bubble floating up and way, gently but acceptingly letting go.. I haven't mastered it yet,..but it is helping.. Warm healing sent to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Solo, I remember the same . . . my thoughts are - even though we no longer like him because we no longer believe the illusion, there is a familiarity . . a habit, maybe, as habitual as lighting up a cigarette after eating . . or flipping through the mail when unwinding after walking in after a day's work . . . . or pouring that first cup of coffee in the morning . . . so, although you don't want him, the haunting familiarity is still there.

Toxic as a cigarette, many, many months ago - maybe that first six months after kicking him out - I had a reaction when I had to talk to him of almost a deceptive secure feeling.

So, don't think it is odd. Do everything you can to avoid him - the addiction to the illusion - much like a nicotine addiction - the complete elimination of the drug is your only ticked to absolute freedom.