Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Yes, I know I have been hopping in and out but sometimes I need to vent to those who understand. I have been dating what seems to be a pretty great man for 8 months now. He is VERY picky which of course makes women like us thrilled that "he picked me". Anyway, he has STRONG opinions about a lot of things. In the beginning I just let it go and decided everyone has opinions. Lately his well-voiced opinions are making me anxious. I am beginning to think I am not good enough if he has negative opinions about me or my surroundings. My ex is a every other weekend daddy at best, but when he asks for something extra and I say no (trying not to be a doormat) my boyfriend tells me I am being unfair and controlling. I then get defensive like I have to justify what I am doing. I don't like the feeling. He even told me I am defensive on the subject. Anyway, I feel like one day I am going to get a text saying he is done because I can't work with my ex. Don't get me wrong - he is not controlling of me at all. This one subject is just super touchy. Is this just my innate need to make everyone happy and excluding me from that equation? I typically feel very secure with him. Lately I just don't know. I honestly think it is me and If I start the overcompensating "needy" behavior then he will bolt and I won't blame him.
unfortunately you seem to be between a rock and a hard place. be true to yourself no matter what....if your b/f doesn't like that it's his issue (harsh huh??). it sounds like you're setting boundaries and maybe receive flack not from your ex but from your b/f?? i probably have it wrong but it doesn't seem like his place to me to judge you and say your controlling and unfair....if YOU think you are being controlling then you can address that. your relationship with your ex and your relationship with your b/f and you sounds like a triangle....maybe you could look up triangulation on wiki or google. it's a family systems therapy term. these triangles are usually not healthy but the good news is they can be pretty readily shifted and restructured in a more healthy way for everyone.
is there a way you can keep your relationship with your ex separate from your b/f??? and your rship with your b/f separate from your ex??? and then stay true to yourself. even if it is "unfair" it is your decision, it is your long term co parenting relationship with your ex you have to preserve......if i have it wrong i'm sorry. it sounds like a boundary issue in all directions to me. you do not have to justify your decisions. your irritation or defensiveness is probably a clue to you that someone is overstepping their boundaries.......
so glad you came and wrote and asked for support. affairs of the heart can be so hard huh?? sigh.
My Ex had a 4-year old son. My Ex was adamant about the fairness of custody (his need to control his ex wife, who left him.) Custody was split 50/50, even though the needs of this poor young boy were not met, emotionally - acting out, constantly crying for his mother, etc. My Ex was not what you'd call a nurturing type. His idea of parenting was that of a typical Provider: in true Narc fashion, if there was food and shelter, his "attention" went elsewhere. I never met his former wife, who sounded like a wonderful, caring mother who was very involved in the young boy's life (sound like you!). As the relationship went on for me & my Ex & his son, it became very clear to me that I was "the outsider". My Ex would even say to me: "I want my son to understand that you are here for me, NOT to be his mother." It was strange. It made me feel like an optional accessory, an outsider, someone in the "outer circle" whose worth didn't matter much. When I tried to voice this honestly, my Ex didn't give a damn. His "family" was his priority.
I should have been wise enough to see that this is NOT love. My ex was using me. He was also manipulating his son to get approval from the ex-wife - he knew in his heart that he was not meeting the emotional needs of a 4 years old, but he did not care about the best interest of the child. He cared about control.
I know I am not a mother, so I may not know a thing about your relationship. But for me, It took me a very long time and a LOT of pain to understand that when anyone compartmentalizes their sense of love like that, it's warped and controlling and not free.
Here are some questions for you to consider:
1) Do you think that if your child's father was not around (god forbid!) that you would give 100% to your current boyfriend? Meaning, are the directions you feel pulled in due to the normal hairyness of co-parenting, or is it more?
2) Are you trying to seek approval/validation from your Ex? Why?
3) Are your child's needs being met?
4) Are *your* needs being met?
I really, truly empathize with you. It's like you are caught in the middle of wanting to co-parent and support your child's relationship with his Dad while also trying to move on in your own life and learn to love again.
I know you will figure it out. This shit is difficult stuff. Keep us posted.