Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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Dracona 09/30/2011

Ok, so new relationship, great guy so far, kind, caring, always where he says he will be. He is ambitious and thoughtful towards me. so why, do i feel like i want to go through his stuff? am i crazy? i need to get a handle on this, cause everytime his phone rings i think its some chick, and it usually is his mother and his son, or his command. why do i feel like this? i keep taking myself back, and running through the facts, and i cant find anything that would give me a red flag of him doing something like that. what do i do? usually i say if you feel something like this there is a reason, and ive explored everything, even gone, this sounds crazy dont judge me, as far as to record him, part of it is he was watching my daughter and i secretly record people with her, because i have to make sure they are good to her. ive done it a couple times, even once when she wasnt there, and he just sat at home and watched a show and went to bed.
so now, i think its me. ive asked him about it, he does not get angry or show any signs of guiltyness.
i dont know how to fix this. sometimes i think im just too damaged. that i can never truly trust anyone again. my daughter is nearly 3, so is been over 3 years since he left.
I dont know when i got like this. probably cause i used to just let them walk on me, oh? you want to go to a beach and ask me for money to do so? oh? that girl is gonna be there that likes you and is mean to me?
oh you guys are camping together? sure, heres the money, go ahead, i trust you.

deleted_user 09/30/2011

I don't know Dracona. When you find the answer, pass it along to me because I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'll never trust another human being again.

Annabella829 09/30/2011

My only advice is to keep your guard up. You are smart and you know the men to look out for. We are like magnets to them. They are drawn towards our caring demeanor. I find myself asking when someone new shows an interest in me, what does he really want? Is he looking for someone to take care of him? That is what we all do. We sacrifice ourselves and put them first and foremost in our lives. NO more!!! Any man who comes into my life will have to show me that they are deserving of my affection. Dracona, enjoy what this new man has to offer you. Have fun... just remember that the most perfect love of all, is the love of oneself.

deleted_user 09/30/2011

Does he know your situation? Does he know what you've been through? How intimate in conversation have you been?

That's a lot of burden to put on a guy, I know. But if he knows and understands, perhaps you can tell him? And perhaps he'll let you have access to whatever you want to make you feel safe.

If you haven't been seeing him that long and have not been intimate in conversation, I agree that you should keep your guard up.

But I, for one, refuse to go through the rest of my life scared and suspicious. I refuse to let my xn continue to victimize me by keeping me scared and suspicious.

95% of guys are NOT narcissists. Maybe you got lucky?

I guess the only thing I can say with any conviction is that you should trust your gut, whatever that is ...

Love to you,

ppp

Blueshoes2 10/01/2011

I wish I had the magic answer. I am naturally a very trusting person, which is why XN wsa able to screwme over for so long. However that being said, I am not very acutely aware of my instincts and listenign to them, so I may be doign exactly as you until "I" feel satisified that he is not FOS ( full of shit). I say, do what you need to do..you are the only one that there is to take care ofyou....

Dracona 10/01/2011

Its very hard, and he does know my past situations. i just cant tell if its actually a "gut" feeling or a ghost from the past. and its driving me insane. i hate him going anywhere, my mind is always like he's gonna meet up with someone, but actually and really, he is at the college, or getting me flowers at the store. I would even get this way with my ex, but i never had to with him, cause he never left the front of his computer or went out, or talked to anyone. nice guy just very lazy. is it possible to even be in a "trusting" relationship after many narc trains? after a lifetime of emotional abuse from family? cause my mind plays out the scenario. say i let go, and trust him, just trust him, then if he DOES go out and do a dirty on me, i feel like its my fault for not listening to myself. and i cant deal with that type of guilt, because i feel guilty and am very hard on myself to begin with. so... now what? ugh. i dont want to end it. for the very most part i really do enjoy him. just this one thing.

Malky 10/01/2011

You don't need to make an all-or-nothing decision, do you? He knows a bit about what is going on with you, right? He seems to be staying around, also true? I get it ... it's SO much easier being alone and not comparing myself with every other woman who is around (there is always someone prettier, thinner, smarter, younger, etc.); however, I am truly lonely. I don't even know how to meet people anymore. And I'm 52. It may not happen again. And I feel safer. At least these days. I would say that perhaps he has come in to your life to give you a chance to work through these tough issues. Be grateful for the chance, and be in the moment. How do you feel? Why? Can you think about what's at the root of these triggers? I am not the one to know the right answer. I DO know how you feel. Sending you love and warm wishes. Peace.

deleted_user 10/02/2011

It is perfectly natural that you would FEEL suspicious. You've been burned, and you'd have to be a ding-dong NOT to feel suspicious. You're not used to being with someone who is trustworthy! But here's the thing - its fine to feel suspicious, and its fine to keep your guard up and watch for red flags, but it ISNT okay to actually follow through on things like snooping. Because that would make YOU untrustworthy.
You need to keep yourself safe, and you will, because obviously you're sensitive to warning signs. But if the relationship is to grow, if he IS a good guy, you're going to have to make choices that demonstrate your willingness to trust. There's no reason you can't just tell him - "It is so hard for me to trust you - I want to, and I'm trying to, please be patient with me."
I had to say that, a LOT! in the beginning of my relationship with my now-husband....he was very patient with my endless paranoia, and he has never broken my trust. There are good men out there!

Blueshoes2 10/02/2011

In my case I needed to snoop, it was the only way for me to validate my crazy feelings....becuase the N would never be truthful and would lay guilt trips on me for even suggesting that he might be having an affair or do anything inapproriate...yeah right...

deleted_user 10/02/2011

Hi Dracona, try to Just Be in The Moment, whether thats an hour, a minute , a second, a milli second or a micro second.............baby steps, be gentle with yourself (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))) 2Butterfly

snowy22315 10/02/2011

Just be careful D. Take it slowly, and try to trust unless he gives you a reason not to. Not all men are N.'s and I am concerned you might sabotage a decent relationship, by being too suspicious. This is new territory and a new RS and it may take awhile for things to fall into place. Love to you. Snow.

Dracona 10/02/2011

Thank you all, and i am trying to live in the moment. its just he is very friendly, talks to everyone and cares about the well being of any person. and part of this is that he has been texting his ex, not anything juicy, cause yes, even though i am ashamed, i snooped. and she was very bad to him, during their breakup she smashed the tv, he had to call the cops on her, called him the N word, it was crazy. he doesnt go see her, but says they can be friends. and he really does talk to everyone. i told him this bothers me, and it seems im like that about every girl though, not just her. He is alot better looking than those i used to date, i would lower my standards tremendously because i just wanted someone to love me. i think that intimidates me a bit. i went from overbearing jealousy and control and lies to a bump on a log nice guy to this, and is this how it is suposed to be? he is patient with me, but he does get tired sometimes, because i dont mean to but i pick on him cause i get so taken over by my own feelings. hes right, i should be able to go wherever with whoever and him trust me, just like he should be cause he always comes home when he says, and is always where he says. he hasnt gone out ONCE with friends or anyone, mainly his good friends live far away, but its not like i have any reason to not trust him. ugh. but thank you everyone.... i love you guys

deleted_user 10/04/2011

Trust is something that is earned over time. If you have trust issues do to past abuse and this guy is a good one, then talk to him about it. Let him know where you are coming from, and that you are not a psycho Bi*atch. This will be a good test for him. If he really is a good guy he will be understanding and supportive. He also will feel closer to you for having revealed something personal.

Dracona 10/05/2011

He knows my past, and is patient. but it is just hard, its like sometimes i want to be controlling, because of the lack of control i have experienced most of my life, and having trouble not blaming myself if things do go wrong, because i let it out of my control. after going through what we have been through... its hard to just let go like that, ready or not. you forgive, you heal, you move on, but you never forget, and im just learning to live with myself and my thoughts.

deleted_user 10/05/2011

I like what Iwasthere said. "It is so hard for me to trust you - I want to, and I'm trying to, please be patient with me."

((((dracona))))

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