Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
It had been 4 months of NC as he had gone overseas with his new supply to take a job for 12months.She had left him recently and came back to Australia. I have recently moved from Sydney to Melbourne so he doesnt know where i live.Last night i received a call that was his number so ignored it.he then sent me a message to ask me to pick up the phone and i ignored it again,he then left a nasty voice message telling me he is back in australia.This followed a barrage of calls and it was like the more i ignored him the more nastier and abusive he got.Hes spew of voice messages and texts was horrifying. He doesnt want me back so why was he doing this.He started threatning me as well.He also blamed me for the mess his life is in telling me i have caused all his mahem that his life has become. Forgetting that he was responsible for all his own mess.Then he started with messages that im crazy and broken.Ive heard many of us on these posts say they have been called that before.Why was he so nasty and threatning as he was the one who discarded me like trash for the other woman so its not like he wanted me. The venom he spewed has been soul destroying.I texted him back in the end and told him not to contact me again and that he needs to get himself help as he is an alchoholic as well.Because his messages started off not to viscious and they became more and more nasty each time he rang and i wouldnt answer.I feel sick over this.
Why is he calling? Because his new supply left him (smart girl) and now it is time to try to recycle old supply (you).
Here are some words of wisdom from my friend of CZ:
It is very very important to understand your basic NPDs. Heres a few:
1-Narcissists do not experience love as in commitment and forgiveness and interdependence. When we speak of love, the narcissist feels trapped. The more responsibility the narcissist has to maintain the relationship, the more he views his partner as a drag, a controller, a selfish bipch...a burden. A hag also comes to mind.
2-Narcissists define love as the feelings they have when someone validates their superiority. That means any damsel in distress will be his New Love. Any damsel in distress who NEEDS him, will inflate his grandiosity to an enormously insane degree and you will call it NUTZ and he will call it LOVE. I learned this from a friend in my community, a wonderful, respected woman whose husband left her for a stripper. Well, the stripper, you see, NEEDED him and he said his competent wife did not. So to a narcissist, love is all about being needed and therefore, superior. He be Da MaN, in other words.
3-Narcissists lack empathy. No man with the capacity to empathize would talk about the OW, show more pity for the OW than his own family, expect his wife to accept his Spock-like reasoning while he stooooopidly logics his way from one woman to the other.
4-Narcissists do not BOND to their partners or their children. That means they are fully capable of leaving at ANY time. If the narcissistic supply is better elsewhere, the feral narcissist will lap his milk at her house and never think twice about leaving his wife and family. That means of course, that you cannot trust the narcissist or rely on his word. You cannot build a trustworthy relationship knowing that at any time, he could leave. When a man leaves a woman in her thirties, its a shame. But when he leaves a woman in her fifties and sixties, it oughta be a crime. Do Not Base Your Future on someone elses ability to Keep His Word. He cant.
5-Narcissists blame other people. For everything. It is always the other persons fault.
6-Narcissists lie. To themselves and to others and they do not suffer remorse for being liars.
7-Sexual addiction may be a way for the narcissist to garner sympathy and compassion because we think of addictions as treatable. While narcissists are especially prone to addictive behaviors (which they can control), a narcissist is a narcissist at heart and this condition is primary before all other addictions or bad behavior.
8-Narcissists love only themselves. This means that whatever makes them feel GOOD is their highest priority. If the OW makes him feel superior, needed, desireable, the King of the Hill, then he cannot stop himself from being with her.
Strave the vampire. No contact is the only recourse with these type of men.
I'm so sorry you have had him come back like this after you must have just started to settle, awful to be taken by surprise like that. Please change your number for your own sanity. Its awful the steps we have totake but we have to take them. Mine disrupted me awfully last week by unexpected contact so I do know what its like.
much love, and please remember you have done nothing wrong.
Starve the vampire. No contact is the only recourse with these type of men."
DITTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NC is the only only only only only only only only^ INFINITE POWER PLUS 1....way!
Each personality disorder has its own set of behaviors and additionally, pathology is related to:
a. The inability to change
b. The inability to grow to any emotional depth
c. The inability to develop deep insight about their behavior and how it effects others
I had so many examples of xn's inability to take responsibility for his own actions it was AMAZING. None were ever geared towards me so I never had to take it personally nor did I have any idea that I was dealing with a disordered nightmare of a human being when I was with him.
When I asked my therapist how she knows she is dealing with a disordered person she told me: It is simple, nothing is there fault. What ever problem they are having, no matter what aspect of their life, it is always someone else's fault.
These dysfunctional patterns are inflexible and intrusive into almost every aspect of the individuals life. These patterns create significant problems in personal and emotional functioning and are often so severe that they lead to distress or impairment in all areas of their life. (Source: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition)
Cluster B are personalities that are highly dramatic, both emotionally and behaviorally. Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Histrionic Personality are in this group.
The Relationship Destroyers: Cluster B
In considering individuals who create the most damage to social and personal relationships, the abusers, manipulators, players, controllers, and losers are found in Cluster B. For this reason, this article will focus on the behaviors associated with Cluster B personality disorders.
In the general population, the largest number of personality disorders fall in the Cluster B group. The four personality disorders in Cluster B are:
Antisocial Personality
A pervasive pattern of disregard for the rights of others and rules of society. The Antisocial Personality ranges from individuals who are chronically irresponsible, unsupportive, con artists to those who have total disregard for the rights of others and commit criminal acts with no remorse, including those involving the death of victims. In clinical practice, the Antisocial Personality has near-total selfishness and typically has a pattern of legal problems, lying and deception, physical assault and intimidation, no regard for the safety of others, unwillingness to meet normal standards for work/support/parenting, and no remorse.
Borderline Personality
A pervasive pattern of intense yet unstable relationships, mood, and self-perception. Impulse control is severely impaired. Common characteristics include panic fears of abandonment, unstable social relationships, unstable self-image, impulsive/self-damaging acts such as promiscuity/substance abuse/alcohol use, recurrent suicide thoughts/attempts, self-injury and self-mutilation, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate yet intense anger, and fleeting paranoia.
Histrionic Personality
A pervasive pattern of excessive emotional display and attention-seeking. Individuals with this personality are excessively dramatic and are often viewed by the public as the Queen of drama type of individual. They are often sexually seductive and highly manipulative in relationships.
Narcissistic Personality
A pervasive preoccupation with admiration, entitlement, and egotism. Individuals with this personality exaggerate their accomplishments/talents, have a sense of entitlement, lack empathy or concern for others, are preoccupied with envy and jealousy, and have an arrogant attitude. Their sense of entitlement and inflated self-esteem are unrelated to real talent or accomplishments. They feel entitled to special attention, privileges, and consideration in social settings. This sense of entitlement also produces a feeling that they are entitled to punish those who do not provide their required respect, admiration, or attention.
The majority of clients with difficulties related to their childhood find a Personality Disorder as a parent. For many, they have found themselves in a romantic relationship or marriage with a Personality Disorder. Others discover they are working with a Personality Disorder as a co-worker, supervisor, or supervisee. A smaller group finds they are victims of the severe behavior of a Personality Disorder and have been assaulted, robbed, traumatized, or manipulated.
Core Features of Personality Disorders
Mental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders, each with their own pattern of behaviors, emotionality, and symptoms. However, in my observation, all Cluster B Personality Disorders have core personality features that serve as the foundation for their specific personality disorder. Some of those core personality features are:
Self-Centered
We often hear the phrase Its All About Me. When making decisions, a healthy person weighs the needs and concerns of others as well as their own. A Personality Disorder weighs only their needs and concerns. A Personality Disorder may use money to feed their family for their own purpose. A brother with a Personality Disorder may intimidate an elderly parent for money or manipulate a legal situation to eliminate siblings from an inheritance. In most situations, if we are contacted by a Personality Disorder, the contact is for their purpose, not ours.
Refusal to Accept Personal Responsibility for Their Behavior
Individuals with a Personality Disorder almost never accept personal responsibility for their behavior. They blame others, use excuses, claim misunderstandings, and then depict themselves as the victim in the situation. Those that are physically abusive actually blame the victims of their abuse for the assault. Victims often hear This is your fault! Why did you make me angry?
This aspect of a Personality Disorder is very damaging when the Personality Disorder is a parent. They blame the children for their abusive, neglectful, or dysfunctional behavior. Children are told they are responsible for the temper tantrums, alcohol/substance abuse, unemployment, poverty, unhappiness, etc. of their parent. During a divorce, a Personality Disorder parent often blames the children.
Self-Justification
Individuals with a Personality Disorder dont think, reason, feel, and behave normally. However, they typically justify all of their behaviors. Their justification often comes from their view that they have been victims of society or others and are therefore justified in their manipulative, controlling, criminal or abusive behaviors. A common justification in criminals is to blame the victim for the crime as when hearing Its his fault (the victim) that he got shot. He should have given me the money faster. Healthy adults find it impossible to reason with a Personality Disorder, finding their justifications impossible to understand.
Entitlement
Individuals with a Personality Disorder have a tremendous sense of entitlement, a sense that they deserve respect, money, fame, power, authority, attention, etc. Some feel they are entitled to be the center of attention and when that doesnt happen, they are entitled to create a scene or uproar to gain that attention. Entitlement also creates a justification to punish others in the Personality Disorder. If you violate one of their rules or demands, they feel entitled to punish you in some way.
Shallow Emotions
Healthy people are always amazed and astonished that a person with a Personality Disorder can quickly detach from a partner, move on, and exhibit very little in the way of remorse or distress. A Personality Disorder can find another partner following a breakup, often within days. These same individuals can also quickly detach from their family and children. They can become angry with their parents and not contact them for years.
A Personality Disorder can abandon their children while blaming the spouse/partner for their lack of support and interest. Their ability to behave in this manner is related to their Shallow Emotions. The best way to think of Shallow Emotions is to have a great $300.00 automobile (192 euros). You have a limited investment in the automobile, and when its running great you have no complaints. You take the effort to maintain the vehicle as long as the costs are low. If it develops costly mechanical difficulties, its cheaper to dispose of it and get another $300.00 automobile that will run well. Also, if you move a large distance, you leave it behind because its more costly to transport it.
A Personality Disorder has shallow emotions and often views those around them as $300.00 autos. Their emotional investment in others is minimal. If their partner is too troublesome, they quickly move on. If parents criticize their behavior, they end their relationship with them until they need something.
Situational Morality
A Personality Disorder takes pride in being able to do what I gotta do to have their demands/needs met. They have few personal or social boundaries and in the severe cases, do not feel bound by laws of the land and quickly engage in criminal activity if needed. The motto of a Personality Disorder is the end justifies the means. Situational morality creates rather extreme behaviors and many Personality Disorders have no hesitation to harm themselves or others to meet their needs. Activities often seen as manipulative are tools of the trade for a Personality Disorder and include lying, dishonesty, conning behavior, intimidation, scheming, and acting. Many Personality Disorders are social chameleons and after evaluating a potential victim/partner, alter their presentation to be the most effective. Severe Personality Disorders have no hesitation about self-injury and will cut themselves, overdose, threaten suicide, or otherwise injure themselves with the goal of retaining their partner using guilt and obligation.
Narcissism and Ineffective Lives
A Personality Disorder has a strong influence on the life and lifestyle of the individual. Cluster B personality disorders often have two lives their real life and the imaginary life they present to others that is full of excuses, half-truths, deceptions, cons, lies, fantasies, and stories prepared for a specific purpose. Physical abusers who were forcibly and legally removed from their children and spouse develop a story that the in-laws conspired with the police to separate them from the children they love so deeply.
Jail time is often reinterpreted as I took the blame for my friend so he could continue to work and support his family. A major finding in a Personality Disorder is an ineffective life reports of tremendous talent and potential but very little in the way of social or occupational success. Its a life of excuses and deceptions. Narcissistic and Antisocial losers often promise romantic cruises that never take place or have a reason that their partner needs to place an automobile in his/her name. Their lives are often accompanied by financial irresponsibility, chronic unemployment, legal difficulties, and unstable living situations in the community. Their behavior often emotionally exhausts those around them something the Personality Disorder explains with My family and I have had a falling out. We can be assured that no matter what real life situation is present in the life of the Personality Disorder, there will be a justification and excuse for it.
Social Disruption
There is never a calm, peaceful, and stable relationship with a Cluster B Personality Disorder! Their need to be the center of attention and control those around them ensures a near constant state of drama, turmoil, discord, and distress. An individual with a Personality Disorder creates drama and turmoil in almost every social situation. Holidays, family reunions, outings in the community, travel, and even grocery shopping are often turned into a social nightmare.
The Personality Disorder also creates disruption in their family system. They are the focus of feuds, grudges, bad feelings, jealousy, and turmoil. If you have a member of your family that you hate to see arrive at a family reunion or holiday dinner he or she probably has a Personality Disorder.
Manipulation As A Way of Life
To obtain our daily personal, social, and emotional needs, a healthy individual has a variety of strategies to use including taking personal action, politely asking someone, making deals, being honest, etc. Healthy individuals also use manipulation as one of many social skills buying someone a gift to cheer them up, making comments and giving hints that something is desired, etc.
For the Personality Disorder, despite the many social strategies available, manipulation is their preferred method of obtaining their wants and needs. The manipulations of a Personality Disorder when combined with shallow emotions, entitlement, and being self-centered can be extreme.
To obtain their goals, an Antisocial Personality may physically threaten, harass, intimidate, and assault those around them. Histrionic Personalities may create dramatic situations, threaten self-harm, or create social embarrassment. Narcissistic Personalities may send police and an ambulance to your home if you dont answer their phone calls, using the excuse that they were concerned about you. Their real goal is to ensure you that their phone calls must be answered or you will pay the consequences. Borderline Personalities may self-injure in your physical presence. In a relationship with a Personality Disorder, we are constantly faced with a collection of schemes, situations, manipulations, and interactions that have a hidden agenda, their agenda.
The Talk and Behavior Gap
We know how people are by two samples of their personality their talk and their behavior. A person who is honest has talk/conversation/promises that match their behavior almost 100%. If he/she borrows money and tells you they will repay you Friday, and then pays you Friday, you have an honest person.
When we observe these matches frequently, then we can give more trust to that individual in the future. The wider the gap between what a person says/promises and what they do the more they are considered dishonest, unreliable, irresponsible, etc.
Due to the shallow emotions and situational morality often found in a Personality Disorder, the gap between talk and behavior can be very wide. A Personality Disorder can often assure their spouse that they love them while having an extramarital affair, borrow money with no intention of paying it back, promise anything with no intention of fulfilling that promise, and assure you of their friendship while spreading nasty rumors about you. A rule: Judge a person by their behavior more than their talk or promises.
Of course it was personal. Everything he said was meant to hurt you in the deepest way possible and also to get a reaction out of you. For you to feel the end to defend yourself, etc.
My mother, a psycologist, always told me: you can't argue with a sick mind. And it is true. Their minds are disordered. They do not think normally, the part of their brain that holds empathy has been tragically severed. If you think about what stops us from being complete beasts to our fellow humans is knowing how deeply wounds can hurt. That crucial piece of information is missing for them. Furthermore, your pain makes them feel god like. If he can get you to react then it is proof of his superiority.
7. Crazy People Make You Crazy. Your N is amused by your emotions. Put yourself at the eyeglass end of a microscope. You are watching a fly. It buzzes around frantically. Then it slows down or rests. Then it buzzes around frantically again. You learn that if you stick a pencil in the flys area it buzzes frantically. You have learned how to get your fly to buzz around. Your N knows what it takes to get you to buzz around frantically too. He will play with your emotions for his amusement. You have a much wider range of emotions than a fly and the narcissist knows what he has to do to make you look crazy, show him your fear, buzz around frantically, cry, yell, argue, or any other human emotional reaction he can get out of you. If hes really lucky he can make you look crazier than he is. Ns like doing this. They like emotional targets. They find it amusing. This benefits them. He will make you look crazy so he can get the courts to give him custody of the children. Then he will say to people Look what Ive had to put up with all these years.
Of course it was personal. Everything he said was meant to hurt you in the deepest way possible and also to get a reaction out of you. For you to feel the need to defend yourself, etc.
My mother, a psycologist, always told me: you can't argue with a sick mind. And it is true. Their minds are disordered. They do not think normally, the part of their brain that holds empathy has been tragically severed. If you think about what stops us from being complete beasts to our fellow humans is knowing how deeply wounds can hurt. That crucial piece of information is missing for them. Furthermore, your pain makes them feel god like. If he can get you to react then it is proof of his superiority.
7. Crazy People Make You Crazy. Your N is amused by your emotions. Put yourself at the eyeglass end of a microscope. You are watching a fly. It buzzes around frantically. Then it slows down or rests. Then it buzzes around frantically again. You learn that if you stick a pencil in the flys area it buzzes frantically. You have learned how to get your fly to buzz around. Your N knows what it takes to get you to buzz around frantically too. He will play with your emotions for his amusement. You have a much wider range of emotions than a fly and the narcissist knows what he has to do to make you look crazy, show him your fear, buzz around frantically, cry, yell, argue, or any other human emotional reaction he can get out of you. If hes really lucky he can make you look crazier than he is. Ns like doing this.
They like emotional targets. They find it amusing. This benefits them. He will make you look crazy so he can get the courts to give him custody of the children. Then he will say to people Look what Ive had to put up with all these years. ..