so my fiancé and I have been together for 3 years on and off now. Last year I moved in with him. Going into the relationship I knew he had some mental health problems. Bipolar and self harm to be specific. Everything was great for the first couple months until he got really reserved and secretive, I confronted him and he kicked me out. So I was done we were on a break again and I started talking to a guy  for a few months. I did go back to the apartment with my fiancé on and off during those months and he kicked me out a few more times over small things like not washing a pan or the dog throwing up. So as it comes to find out the other guy messaged my fiancé, giving it that we were not with each other the times I talked to him. It was never in person only on Snapchat and text. So he blamed his behavior on me “cheating”

i admit I should have worked things out instead of running to someone else but he was airing my business and health problems to his lady friends. Which I confronted him about and he didn’t care.

now fast forward to this fall we lost our apartment, things we’re going good for awhile until our neighbor made my fiancé believe I was causing problems in the house. So now I have my 28yr old fiancé and our 30 year old neighbor cornering me in the kitchen screaming at me. I’m 22, I got blamed for losing the apartment bcause I lost my job and was looking for work. They were both yelling at me After my fiancé was saying how he hates when our neighbor is always borrowing our stuff and taking our food for her kid. I brought that up and he straight out denied it. And then started hanging over my head that he’ll take off to Maine again and he can get rid of me if it came to it.

so now we’re living st my mothers and he is still blaming me for the commute and how much gas he is going through. I tell him his dad needs help at his shop but he’s holding on to his towing job when he use to make 1500 a week now it’s down to 150. Just because of the freedom. Life is tough and you need to be an adult,and you can’t always do a job you want. that’s what he said to me when I was looking for a job I actually liked. I’m now working in the same office park as him, I have to text him when I’m on my break if I don’t he gets mad, if I get to work late after him he accuses me of cheating. I get blamed when he is stressed, he takes it out on me, we have a trip planned together and yesterday I told him not to throw out a box my mom said to keep and he said well I’ll just go camping myself. I’m at the point where I’m scared to  talk to him or ask him stuff. I honestly feel like it’s my fault, I hate myself, I’m a shell of who I am because I can’t even do things I love without him calling them boring or stupid just because it’s not fun to him. He’s trying to get me to cut my mom out of my life because she is to nosy.

i don’t know what to do I love him to death and on our good days he’s my rock and my best friend then the next minute he’s a completely different person. Snapping at me, yelling, threatening me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This morning I was fine but now I feel as though someone is putting there foot on my chest and slowly stepping down. I feel like I’m going to throw up. 

Im suppose to be going on a trip with my fiancé tomorrow and I’m already playing out in my mind the fights we are going to get in. I already know today he’s going to snap at me for something then get frustrated and say he’ll just go on the trip himself. He’s done this three times already over nothing one time it was because I park crooked. 

Another thing is we lost our apartment and now we got a new one November 1st.

he hates my mother, she hired a private investigator to look into him and said straight to me she doesn’t want him by himself in the house. She let him stay in the house yet he won’t even thank my mother for letting him stay for two months. She tried helping us get an apartment in my home town but for some reason my fiancé just wants to shoot ever apartment down and now we are going to be living in a loft “apartment” in an office park where we both work at separate companies. I’m over an hour away from my family and honestly I feel isolated, every time I go home to visit my family he’s blowing up my phone wanting to know what I’m doing but he does it in a way making me feel sorry for myself. I’ve had to lose friendships because of this. I’m just sick of criticism from him, my hobbies are shit to him. The other day I had a panic attack and I carved his name into my leg, I’m realizing that I’m being abused as many times as he says he would never hurt me, I know his pattern and his streak. It could be something as small as putting a box in the wrong spot and he’s threatening to leave me. I should have ran a long time ago, his mom warned me, his ex and his kids mother warned me, our old neighbor warned me. Hell even his idiot brother. It’s hard because I love him more than anything in the world we’ve been through hell and back together. I just want to die. I don’t know what to do anymore