Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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/ Women who Love too Much Support Group

Hello - I have question

DianaShepherd
DianaShepherd
Just wondering...what is the group consensus or general attitude here about breaking up vs. staying in a relationship? The book says you don't have to break up to recover (which is one of the reasons I wanted a Women Who Love Too Much group vs. a victims of narcissists type of group where no contact is stressed/touted...not that that's a bad thing, but I want a group where there is no judgement or pressure about staying or leaving.

I really like how Robin Norwood stressed that if you break up and you're not really psychologically ready for that you will either return to the relationship or just find another similar one, anyway...which has been true for me. So now I just want to learn how to keep the focus on myself/my recovery. All my energy and attention has been going to him and I want it going back to me. I need to put energy into my life and myself and my development not somebody else's. I don't mind doing a little of that but really I need to learn how to keep the focus on my own life.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Diana,

When I joined this group I felt the way that you do. I was reading the book and it was a lifeline but at times I felt like this group stressed no contact. I guess there are those here that stress that and others like me who don't. I am not no contact--I am not in a relationship with him anymore and we just don't talk but I don't think of it as being or going no contact---its just over.

I agree with the book as well and if you are not ready to leave the relationship you typically go back or find another one just as damaging. If, or when it is time to end the relationship you will know. If the book is working for you use it. I did and if you feel that others are pressuring you or judging you to go no contact then try to understand that different people have different perspectives. Do what feels right to you--recovery is not a cookie cutter plan.

I would be interested in hearing more about what you have discovered about yourself from reading the book. I love the book by the way if I have not mentioned that.
DianaShepherd
DianaShepherd
Hey Izzy! Thanks for replying. I was starting to freak out thinking nobody was going to reply. I like what you said about the relationship being over vs. going no contact. That is a very different feel. I don't think I can sum up what I've discovered about myself from the entire book right now...what I'd really like is to have a reading/discussion group like she suggested in the book. I was hoping this would be like that. I'd like to reread the book, chapter by chapter (or however much of a section at a time) and then be able to share and listen to other people share about their experiences and reactions to what they read. I really that format.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Great idea,

Maybe you could just read a chapter and then post what you think, felt, or realized from it and see what others say about it as well. Sometimes people have not read the book so you might want to pitch the idea and see how many other people are interested in doing it. I would love to participate.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Additionally, I wanted to say that this group although helpful is not really set up as the book suggested that a group should be set up. It has its strengths and weakness but I think that there are a lot of new people on the site now and we, you, they could shape it differently if the need and desire presents itself.
TokyoRose
TokyoRose
I'll chime in here too. I remember reading that same bit in the book and feeling a sharp sense of relief. I didn't WANT to cut him out of my life; that thought was far worse than even the intense pain the relationship was causing me. So I didn't pressure myself to go no-contact. But I could see the reasons why, in general, it made sense (and in some cases is essential). In my case there came a point where I decided it had to happen. But I still struggle with the idea of cutting it off completely. And probably won't, though the periods between contact will I think become longer and longer.

My understanding of what Robin Norwood said was this: leaving or staying is not what's really important; committing to working on you IS. One of two things will happen: your relationship will either get better, or it will end. But either way, the fact that you've committed to healing will leave you a winner.