Yes, I understand, what a cruel waste of the beautiful soul, he could be. But I understand now that the nature of the disorder pretty much dictates that he will never change - that would involve accountability, revealing who he really is and how he uses others, and accepting that HE is the one with issues and the need for change - wont' happen. How sad, an yes, I know he is broken and miserable underneath, but I cant help him. I have to save myself.

When we are raised to believe that everything is possible it means we would need to make a radical change in our own personalities. We would almost need to concede that hope and prayer are pointless and that being a friend, caring, and love are all wasted efforts. I don't think I can become a person like that but then I suppose that's why I'm a Women Who Loves Too Much. For me it's finding a happy medium but I will not desert someone I care about. I've never been one to play games or feel the need for a strategy with someone I love but that is where I'm at. I want to find a way for both of us. It's why I'm here, on this site. My directness doesn't doesn't work with him. So far the only thing I've found is that he now knows I am the only person who cares enough to bother with him. It brings him back to me and we inch ahead a little more. He's intelligent. Appealing to his sense of logic works but timing is everything.

Solo,

From what you write it seems that you are in love with an illusion, a fantasy of what you think this man COULD be, not the man that stands before you. Some seemingly unknown potentional that you feel you can sense and bring out in him.

Here is what Robin Norwood has to say:

2 Filling needs by care giving to needy men

We become caregivers in most areas of our lives. identifying with pain of others, seeking to relieve it in order to lessen our own. The men who attract us most strongly are those who appear to be needy.
We all respond to different types of needy men, but we respond nonetheless, when we should have red flags going up. we have the conviction that this man needs our help, compassion, and wisdom in order to improve his life. we think we can teach him to love, that we can love him enough.

#4 Change through Love

Because you were never able to change your parents/guardians/ into the warm loving caretakers you longed for and needed to teach you, you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable man, whom you can again try to change through your love. whatever was wrong or missing in the past, is what you are trying to make turn out right in the present. Something very self defeating and destructive is going on. it would be ok if we brought our compassion and understanding into a relationship with a healthy individual, where our own needs have a chance of being met. But we are not attracted to healthy men who would give us what we need. They seem boring, and we pass them by without a second glance. we are attracted to men who reciprocate the struggle from the past. We will do anything to prove our love.

#9 Desperate need to control relationships

Having experienced little security in the past, we mask our need and efforts to control people and situations by being helpful We need to be with people who we can help, (needy friends, needy men) in order to feel safe and in control. Protecting ourselves from the panic at being at anothers mercy. Basically, because we were not protected when we were vulnerable at a young age, we become the protector, to control the environment.

#10 More in touch with a dream than reality

We live in a fantasy world, where the man we are so unhappy with is transformed into what we are sure he can become. Will become with our help. Because we know nothing about what it is to be happy, or having our emotional needs met, the dream is as close as we dare to having what we want. If we had a man who was everything we wanted, what would he need us for? and all that compulsion and talent for helping would have no where to operate,(and we make the drama if this is so)

Boy, Suzy, I really need that book. Thanks again.

grrr yes i am a genuie lover and feel so tired of giving of myself love caring supportive, only to be slapped down, its soooo hurtful and yes i relate to the its so sad becasue yes u can see the potential in this guy but it wont come through ever, im three days broken up with my hot and cold man, he spolied me with money would buy me alot, food, gym pass, underwear etc it felt like love and thought this was his way of showing his love, once i went to jump in his bed and he didnt want me in there and told me so, he tends to follow me around and im not aware of it and spy on me, i thought this was cute at first..but over time, he just watches to see if i do something he didnt approve of and let me know. its so confusing and heart wrenching when will god send us someone to love us as we deserve... chin up ladies!!!we ARE WORTHLY!!!

SusyP, How can I get your ebooks?

Solo,

I am really confused. Wha ebooks are you referring to? If you are referring to what I wrote above, those are just the 10 characteristics of Women Who Love Too Much and is straight out of the book. When I first came on the board, they had them all listed for subjects of discussion and I put them all on a word document for easy reference. Maybe I will repost it. It is not an ebook just simply a 1 page document.

Can you clarify what you are referring to?

The ones mentioned as ebooks were The No Contact Rule, and Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Does that help? Thanks

Those ebooks are from the site mentioned:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl-book-one/

You can order them directly from the site.