Hello,

I am the mother of one awesome nine year old little boy. I can honestly say that he is one of the driving forces in my life to stay in recovery. My greatest fear is that I will hurt him like my parents hurt me. Last night I called a friend because I needed to have a vulnerable conversation. I told her that I am scared that I feel guiltily all the time when it comes to how I parent. The feeling of not being enough, or capable enough is a feeling that runs in all aspects of my life. It is the secret I take into all relationships, it is the secret that awakens me each morning.

I told her that I am exhausted from playing mommy. I am always trying to not do what my parents did while second guessing everything I choose to do. She asked me if I did not feel like I had the right to take a break, if I was worthy of taking care of myself. I said no experience in my life ever helped to develop the belief that I was just worthy of what I wanted and needed. The idea seems so foreign to me it is almost like she was speaking another language. Rights, worthy, love, being able to take care of myself- no, I am not familiar with those words. For me everything was about earning. Every desire, idea, and need I had my parents either crushed or shamed me out of it. I was praised for helping, for not asking, for being strong enough not to need them. I was blamed, criticized, or emotionally abandoned for asking, wanting, or needing anything they could not give. And I didn't ask for things- toys like normal kids. I asked that we sit down and eat together, I asked that we talk, hug, and show affection. I wanted my mother and I to have girls day. I wanted to be able to sit on my fathers lap and get a kiss on the forehead. I wanted to be able to tell my parents how I felt, how I dreamed and have my experiences validated.

I have attempted to create that world for my son but it feels fake and forced. My insecurities have become so obvious that my son has started telling me "mom, you are good mom, you have to believe that." Brene Brown says that you cant love your children past the point where you love yourself. That scares me. She says that when the children are younger it is easy but as they age you begin to see the limitations to your ability to love. The mother who cant love herself and uses her appearance to cope will perpetuate that cycle unto her child. The father who is using his intelligence to define himself will perpetuate that cycle unto his children. I try to tell and show my son how great he is but I don't feel that way about myself. That is the message he will really receive. This fact torments me and drives me to try harder but everything I do with him is governed by guilt and fear. Not everything there are genuine moments in our lives but they are small moments.

As he ages and begins to experiment and struggle with acceptance and relationship with others- how can I help him with that? My experiences include controlling, manipulating, and obsessing. That is a legacy I would rather have die with me- but it is the legacy my parents gave to me. I am determine that the pain stops with me. I pray that his experiences and understanding are new and different from mine. There has been enough WWLTM issues in this family and I don't want that for him.

But the only thing that I can do really is continue to grow. To learn to love all aspects of myself so that I can teach that to him. I am willing to learn that I am worthy of love, that I have the right to my own happiness, choices, and desires. I have to stop the belief that I cannot take care of myself without the presence of others. I have to embrace that being alone does not have to mean being lonely. I have to deepen my understanding and relationship with God. I have to let love of self and love of others be the deciding factor in all that I do.

I have to release fears and guilt because they lead to unhealthy coping skills, fantasy, resentment, and distraction. A lot of the women in the Book had children but few of the stories addressed their struggle with parenting. I decided to share my so that any other mother on this site who is experiencing what I am feeling will understand that she is not alone. WWLTM issues are not always about men. Really they are about how we function within the world. Long held beliefs of self-hatred have arms that reach into all areas of our lives- stealing the light. Every day I wake up with the new awareness of a new area of painful beliefs. I am weary but I am willing. I am not running away from the awareness because what must be heal must first be revealed. I refuse to hide my shame, my fears, or my guilt anymore. It is the hiding of things that allows the WWLTM to progressively get worse and worse. I am praying for guidance but today I feel like the best choice I could make was to tell the truth. Then after that I will just have to allow the awareness of what is to be. I understand on some level that I have been wrong about myself and I feel that even this small space is enough for God to come in and tell me the truth about who I am.