Hello ladies and happy new year. I am so looking forward to 2015. So here is where I was at one year ago and here is where I am at now.

Last Christmas I had left the hubby just three months prior. I had been dumped by the narc BF and had two good months under my belt when I met yet another BF. My hubby was going crazy without me and calling me and begging me to come back. I took him to my parents house for christmas but only out of pure sympathy. I was moving on with the new BF. Underneath it all though I was terrified to be on my own. I had diverted my feelings again with another relationship. I was throwing myself at the BF in pure emotional chaos. I was clinging to him for dear life. I was terrified of everything. How I looked in front of him, if he really cared about me, would he leave me if he found out that I took the hubby for Christmas...etc. Scared of my own shadow and yet living fully in someone elses. I had no life of my own. I was completely taking on the BF's life. Giving him whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. So that was then...

Now one year later...I am living with the BF but have banished him to the spare room. I want him to leave but have not gotten the will power to force him out. I have made my feelings clear that I am not really interested in him anymore. I have not had sex with him in months. He begged me on Christmas and I said no!

I have taken a few steps backwards though in thinking that I really want to get back together with the hubby. I still am working on personal security. Being ok with just me. I always felt financially and personally secure with my hubby. The emotional security was never there. So after going back and forth most of the year with our feelings for each other, we decided to work on things.

This led to planning to go to the parents for Chirstmas with our two older kids. Then a week long trip to a beach that we went to every Christmas break as a family. Well on December 23rd we got in our usual argument and he cancelled everything and invited his girlfriend over to spend the holidays with him. She came immediately and is still there!! I was terribly hurt.

But here is the progress....... I allowed the tears to flow on Christmas day. I did not contact him. I followed through with all the plans with the family without him. I did not lie and tell people I was ok. when I was not. Now just a week later I am remembering all the reasons why I left him in the first place. All the awful things that he has done to me and I am not feeling that heartbreak as much. I am feeling like I owe myself more. I am feeling like taking care of myself.

I have scheduled a different and wonderful vacation for my son and myself. And when my friends and family tell me that I am being irresponsible for taking this trip and it is just out of spite for the hubby I am standing up for myself and telling them that that is fine for them to have their opinion, but I deserve to pamper myself during such a shitty let down and I am excited to go. I am looking at it as a new wonderful beginning of 2015.

So I still live with the BF. Hopefully not for too much longer I am hoping. I also have not filed for divorce yet, but I think and feel that it will happen for me in 2015 and I will be ready for it. I still like validation from others but am learning to accept and love myself more and more. I am feeling a real sense of self these days and that makes me excited. I have no physical sex addictions going on anymore and it feels good.

Not all days are so good, but many many more good days than bad. I want to be whole. I want a loving and kind relationship and am willing to wait for it. I am making progress. Yay me.