hmmm after re-reading this, am I being a bit unrealistic here.?

Is it my expectations are way off?!

sunny i was just about to say that. they are wayyyyyy off.

you are still in the fantasy expecting things from him he cannot and will not give you. you are still in the fantasy wanting him to change. if you cannot be with him at his worst that is your best answer.

you are wayyyyyyy off.......

it seems you have not accepted him for who he is. maybe you could read some more natalie lue today www.baggagereclaim.com espectialy about the fantasy....?????

now be kind to yourself, gentle with yourself. it is completely natural to want your marriage to work especially when you see a glimmer but he is not able to sustain that jut b/c of the nature of who hhe is...

Yes. Acceptance. Is so hard. But it is so liberating to finally accept things for what they are, and no longer fall into the trap of longing for "what could be".
The hot/cold rollercoaster is grueling. It is so painful. It's a game to them. I've spent way too much time on it.
Sadly, they are the ones who will regret it someday. Or at the very least they will never be able to have authentic fulfilling love.
The challenge here is accepting the truth. We've all been there. Take a look at him, with your blinders off. Have an out of body experience while remembering a conversation or interaction with him in which he was inconsistent. Observe quietly.
When I do that, I can ABSOLUTLEY NO LONGER DENY that he is a selfish narcissistic person who has very little if any concern regarding how his actions affect my feelings. That's not even the kind of person I would be friends with, much less be in a relationship with!!! Then apply it to the other people in his life. He probably does the same to them. I recall conversations in which I had let my guard down and was all starry-eyed over this guy. And I saw him again as prince charming. And then he revoked all that love and attention and affection again and I was left with nothing but my own confusion and heartbreak. But in looking back, that conversation wasn't even interesting! It was all Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, and I, being so concerned with how I fit into his little world, forgot to distinguish between someone that was an awesome person and someone that was a manipulative little bastard. And I don't mean just in regards to me. I did it over and over. But it had to STOP!
Look at how he relates to others, not just you. Does he respect people? Does he give? Does he forgive? If not, he is such a waste of your emotion.
I understand what you're going through, believe me. I've been through it again and again. But I'm not gonna do it again.
We all have to learn how to love ourselves, then we will never give some dbag the power to define our worth again. And once healed and a wiser version of ourselves, we may be able to recognize it when something that is actually GOOD for us comes along.

sunny if you want to go the "narcissistic husband" route you can check out sam vakin a highly controversial self proclaimed sociopath. all sociopaths are narcissists but supposedly not all narcissists are sociopaths. this stuff is so controversial and you know how i feel about it but go to you tube and search for sam vatkin and see how he can be an assclown to his wife who puts up with all of his shit.

sunny i think you're almost to the end of your day. but can you plan to do something nice to promote your health and wellbing tomorrow??? what can do commit to doing??

i'm sure he has the ability to appear to be someone else. i' sure that's what you fell in love with and married but it may have been an illusion. what you wanted to be true and what he wanted you to see. ....plus you're staying and prolonging and naturally have that flicker of hope........

it just seems to me the onlyl thing you can do to protect yourself since you ccan't move away from him is to start building a little private life for yourself. building yourself up. healing your codependency. restoring your feistyness. working on getting a car a job/school whatever makes you happy.

you may even see more of the man you married the more he senses you getting stronger.......who knows but this is about you and your choice to live the life you deserve. ....

i don't know how you can do this, to keep the focus on yourself and off of him while living with him but i do know it's possible b/c i've seen it happen....

tell us how are you going to nurture yourself??

have you ever read the creative companion by SARK or any books by SARK for that matter??? she inspires...

Its so hard to read books like that with assclown with me 24/7. He would see what Im reading, maybe a kindle should be on my Xmas list!!?
I have to hide the self-help books I have got and read them when I can, or I can read on my computer and on this forum.

How he is with others?! Well when I saw him teaching the children to swim ( thats his business) my heart was his, he is so tender and lovely with them it just makes me melt.

as for adults well he would probably do anything to be liked, even when its not appropriate ( which he doesnt see of course)
as for forgiveness. NO he never forgives, ever. or understands or wants to understand and then to get to forgivness. I of course forgive far too easily and hate conflict , which is one of my many issues.
He needs to be needed and liked.

Im ok today, a bit tearful and a bit tired. But Im trying to create a life where I can be happy...here for now.
I have my school and I now have my friends back, he kicks off when I go to see them as he suggests I may be meeting a man...siigghhh- really....jeeez.
No idea how to survive but am trying to focus on me.

but on the whole, life with him on the surface is ok, we go out a lot ( which helps) and he is good enough company if I am complying. (!) so it should be ok until I have the finances to have a choice about being here.


My school starts next week so I am going to throw myself into that.

actually thinking now.....conversations are usually driven by me....and involve me asking him about his day and it goes from there. He rarely asks about me, never did really come to think on it.

as for friends, hmmm, not really got any that I know of, sometimes he meets up with old work colleagues once a year, guys ya know.

I was trying so hard to stop living in the fantasy bubble and get into reality. This reality of his affair recently announced from 6 years ago ( not against me but W3) hurts like hell so I guess thats why I slipped back into my fantasy bubble ( its nice there) but I know I have to get out again.
Wake up and smell the coffee type of thing!
Its so hard.
I thought I was doing better.

In the book, it talks about saying and doing nothing, stop asking him about his day - reread that section of WWLTM, it's so dead on.

Havent got that book anymore - its difficult for me to read with my NH here all the time.

I would have to smuggle it in and pretend its something else! Maybe I could make a new cover to disguise it, call it - how to lose your Husband while in the Supermarket - or something lol!

can you go to the library?? or would you want to rather??

baggage reclaim has some ebooks you can read on your computer.

the SARK books have nothing to do with men....they are fun fun fun artsy inspiration creativity kind of books.....just for fun....

just encouraging you to have a little fun on your own time!

ooo thanks Finn, will look up SARK.
I did read once that if you are stuck for inspiration then you should try working naked!
and YES it works!!! If a little chilly!!!
x