No. A psychopath does not have to be physically abusive to be a psychopath. They are more known for their mind games. The psychopath I was involved w/ never hit me (I have no doubt he would have if I stuck around much longer). But he stalked me for over a year. He was totally obsessed with me. He had a myspace page wallpapered w/ pictures of me. He had a picture of him wearing sunglasses w/ a superimposed pic of me on the sunglasses, so that he was always watching me. He had pics of him holding his gun to his head w/ suicidal writing all around the border of the picture bc he was gonna kill himself (and probably me) since I wouldn't be w/ him anymore. He bought a jetski to stalk me by water as well as land (I am a jetskier). He drove by my house, went to every social website or message board I used and posted comments to anything I had ever posted. He tried to friend me on various sites, and as soon as I'd respond 'no', he'd send another request. He was banned from multiple social networking sites for using them to stalk me. He was a registered sex offender for a sex offense against a child (I believe I heard that most child sexual predators, if not all, are psychopaths). I could go on. There is no doubt that he is a full blown psychopath. Everything he had ever told me about himself, his life, his past relationships/marriages, kids, careers, was all 100% TOTALLY FABRICATED. Textbook pathological liar. He created a complete identity for himself that was all make believe to lure in victims. Ultimately he was convicted of stalking me and sentenced to the max. But like I said, there had never been anything physical...yet. And he had no prior convictions for violent crimes.

I think we consider them Ns up until the point where there is something physical, then suddenly there is no doubt that they are full blown psychopaths. But there was always that doubt until there was something physical.

I don't even worry about the terminology anymore. I just refer to them all as "pathologicals". Whether they are psychopaths, narcissists, or anti-socials, it is all a pathological personality disorder and they are so similar that it is almost impossible to differentiate, even for the pros. Usually when they are diagnosed, they are diagnosed w/ more than one of the above. And I read that in the next DSM (the diagnostic manual for psychological illness), they will all be combined into one category.

But if you are interested in differentiating, I would say that if a man is purposely doing things to cause you pain (not necessarily physical pain) and get enjoyment out of that, then they are most likely a psychopath. The one that stalked me used to verbal abuse me to no end, for hours on end, until he broke me down and I was curled up in a ball crying hysterically. Then suddenly he seemed so proud of himself, like he had finally achieved what he was going for. It was completely insane how he behaved. He never made any sense, he contradicted himself every 2 seconds. It was impossible to hold a conversation w/ him or have a normal disagreement bc he simply made no sense. His behavior was so out of control and abnormal that you'd just be in total shock and disbelief while experiencing it.

With the N, they will hurt you, but it's not their primary objective. Their primary objective is to get something for themselves, whatever it may be. Sex, money, whatever. They are willing to hurt you in order to get what they want, but they don't gain any personal pleasure from hurting you. Don't get me wrong, they don't feel bad about doing it either. When you are in tears over what they've done, they won't care, they don't experience empathy any more than the psychopath.

Hope that helps. It's hard to cite media examples because you've never spent personal time around those people to know how they behave in private. You can be assured that when they kill someone, like Van Der Sloot, they are psychopaths. But as far as telling if the sex addicts like Tiger Woods are psychopaths, there's no way to know w/o dealing w/ them personally, unless they end up killing someone or something. Remember, most people will never see the psychopath/narcissist side of these people unless you are one of their victims. They are "normal" to the outside world.

That last statement is so true, they look "normal" to the outside world. One thing about my ex is, he never seemed to express any sympathy or empathy for anyone. When he would tip my world upside down and I would cry or be sad, he would just say stop crying and get over it. He would also do the same to his grown children, they could not express much emotion around him. On one hand, he wore his heart on his selve and could be so sensitive and on the other0, he would be a tyrant.

Cindy

Cindy,

The main problem women have after leaving pathological men is obtrusive constant thoughts of the relationship and cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.

The main part of these pathological men is that show up as one thing, but they are something entirely different. This is a disorder of social hiding. This is an individual that is PROFOUNDLY disturbed but looks normal. In a normal relationship you don't have 2 different people to deal with. Here you are breaking up with dark side and the charmer.

What you miss is the charmer. What you broke up with is the dark side (and only true side).

Their disorder is this called the mask of sanity for a reason. They appear normal (better then normal - sweet, charming, handsome) but they are something else all together. These men have known they were different since they were children they are experts at hiding their dark side. If they showed you who they were, you would have gone running into the night screaming.

Here are some examples of what happens in these types of relationships:

You receive both:

bonding and abandonment
loving and loathing
child like vulnerability couple with adult mystique
support and sabotage
fun and then rage
the most wonderful soul mate you could have imagined as well as the sickest relationship you could experience all in one package
calculated and impulsive
idolized and devalued
aloof and super connected
kind and sadistic
capable and helpless

We are ping ponging all over the place.

Coral,

I very much agree with what AS wrote. I will copy below the critier for Psycopath, Anti-social and NPD. You will see how similar they are. When I was doing my 5 day intensive with Sandra Brown, we were giving this test blind (did not know what categogry we were selecting from). Since no one in the room has ability to diagnoise their Ns, they only thing we dould do is put a check mark where we had at least 3 behavior examples for each thing listed.

xn won the prize with all things checks under NPD, half anti-social and half psychopath.

Once an N gets into really vile behavior (meanie, sneaker, etc,) that makes him a maglignant N, which turns into pschoypaths. As AS wrote for the new DSM (diasnostic manual they are lummping the 3 together).

The only other thing that I wish to point out is that it is not a stagnant thing. For example, you have a garden variety narc, who can be difficult, but livivable for many years. All of a sudden they turn 50 years old, they thought they were getting a huge promotion and were finally going to make Executive VP of a major company. Someone else gets the promotions. From that day forward, your life is complete hell at home.

The more you interact with a narc, the more you are going to see a crack in the mirror. The day you do not recognize his greatness, is the day starts looking for new mirrior that will reflect back perfection.

They are impossible to have relationships with. So difficult. The more you intereact with a dirsorderd person the more charred you become by the poision that they spew.

DSM Criteria (most men are a combo pac of personality disorders. Meaning they will have a combination of creteria from each:

Psychopathy

I am going to put an x by all of xn's:

Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors X
DeceitfulnessX
Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
Irritability and aggressiveness as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
Reckless disregard for the safety of self or othersX (unprotected sex when he had an STD)
Consistent irresponsibility as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
Lack of remorse as indicated by being indifferent about having hurt, mistreated or stolen from another.X
ManipulativenessX
InsincerityX
EgocentricityX
Lack of guiltX

ANTI SOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER (anti social means goes against the rules of society these are the ones that end up in jail, white color crimes, etc - not that they are not social beings)

Glib and superficial charmX
Grandiose estimation of selfX
Need for stimulationX
Pathological lyingX
Cunning and manipulativenessX
Lack of remorse or guiltX
Shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness)X
Callousness and lack of empathyX
Parasitic lifestyleX
Poor behavioral controlsX
Sexual promiscuityXX
Early behavioral problemsX
Lack of realistic long term goals
ImpulsivityX
Irresponsibility (IN SOME WAYS VERY RESPONSILE IN OTHERS in job, with money, supporting his child)
Failure to accept responsibility for own actionsX (NOTHING WAS EVERY HIS FAULT - ALWAYS SOMOENE ELES FAULT
Many short term marital relationships (WAS MARRIED FOR 14 YEARS SLEPT WITH AT LEAST 12 DIFFERENT WOMEN EVERY YEAR HE WAS MARRIED
Juvenile delinquency - UNKNOWN
Revocation of conational release
Criminal versatility



BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. .
 A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. X
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. 
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). . 
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior 
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood
Chronic feelings of emptinessX
  Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) 
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

NARCISSIST PERSONALITY DISORDER

An grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) XX
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal loveXX
Believes he is special and unique and can only be understood by with other special or high status people or institutionsX
Requires excessive admirationXXX
Has a sense of entitlementX
Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own endsXX
Lacks empathyX
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of himXX
Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudesX

SuzyP, excellent post about the cognitive dissonance. He kept telling me I was all that, but he created a few of the "push/pulls" within me.

Your post brought tears to my eyes as I see so much truth to your words. The things I am learning on here are so much more valuable and helping me heal much better that all my sessions with the therapist. She let me go on and on, and I never got this type of info from her.

Had she done that, I would have had so many answers about my situation and would have stopped emtionally abusing myself and thinking that this whole thing was my fault.

Thanks to all for so much wisdom!!!!

Cindy

Cindy,

Sandra Brown (author How to Spot a Dangerous and Man and Women Who Love Psycopaths) where all of this info came from says it is STARTLING how few therapist know how to guide woman out of a pathological relationship. They are not the same. No they are not.

Oh and Coral, I meant to meant that I think a man can cheat and not necessarily be pathological. I do think that SERIAL cheaters are all pathological.

Pathology is all about shallow emotions, the ability to discard you at will, leave you feeling like a used kleenex and the inability to understand how greviously their behavior hurts others.

All good info. I'm careful to be objective and realize that these people are sick and need help, and that I have many of these traits as well. That's ok for me, as long as I don't let my need to be understanding allow me to tolerate this sort of behvior in my life. I can use this info to be more aware.

I knew a diagnosed psychopath who was in treatment. He was smart enough, or doped up enough w/ pharmas that he didn't get physical w/ me. He explained that he tried to hurt himself w/ a knife, that he had no control at the time, like someone else was doing it for him. He didn't mention hurting anyone else and had always appeared to be very gentle, even before the diagnosis and the psychopathic behavior. I think there are many variations w/in labels. I want to aviod getting lost in figuring it out. Go to the source myself. I'm inspired to do some 12 step work.

This is really good information. I see some alarming red flags Susy mentioned in a couple of my exes. sigh.