Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
This has been a topic of the past, and I thought it would be a good time to bring it to light again.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions. Gaslighting is an insidious form of abuse. It makes victims question the very instincts that they have counted on their whole lives, making them unsure of anything. Gaslighting makes it very likely that victims will believe whatever their abusers tell them regardless as to their own experience of the situation. Gaslighting often precedes other types of emotional and physical abuse because the victim of gaslighting is more likely to remain in other abusive situations as well.
The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 British play "Gas Light" wherein a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy using a variety of tricks causing her to question her own perceptions and sanity. Gas Light was made into a movie both in 1940 and 1944.
Gaslighting Techniques and Examples
Gaslighting is emotional abuse that aims to make victims doubt their own perceptions and memories. Find out if you are being gaslighted in your relationship.There are numerous gaslighting techniques which can make gaslighting more difficult to identify. Gaslighting techniques are used to hide truths that the abuser doesn't want the victim to realize. Gaslighting abuse can be perpetrated by either women or men.
"Withholding" is one gaslighting technique where the abuser feigns a lack of understanding, refuses to listen and declines sharing his emotions. Gaslighting examples of this would be:1
"I'm not listening to that crap again tonight."
"You're just trying to confuse me."
Another gaslighting technique is "countering," where an abuser will vehemently call into question a victim's memory in spite of the victim having remembered things correctly.
"Think about when you didn't remember things correctly last time."
"You thought that last time and you were wrong."
These techniques throw the victim off the intended subject matter and make them question their own motivations and perceptions rather than the issue at hand.
It is then that the abuser will start to question the experiences, thoughts and opinions more globally through statements said in anger like:
"You see everything in the most negative way."
"Well you obviously never believed in me then."
"You have an overactive imagination."
"Blocking" and "diverting" are gaslighting techniques whereby the abuser again changes the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim's thoughts and controlling the conversation. Gaslighting examples of this include:
"I'm not going through that again."
"Where did you get a crazy idea like that?"
"Quit bitching."
"You're hurting me on purpose."
"Trivializing" is another way of gaslighting. It involves making the victim believe his or her thoughts or needs aren't important, such as:
"You're going to let something like that come between us?"
Abusive "forgetting" and "denial" can also be forms of gaslighting. In this technique, the abuser pretends to forget things that have really occurred; the abuser may also deny things like promises that have been made that are important to the victim. An abuser might say,
"What are you talking about?"
"I don't have to take this."
"You're making that up."
Some gaslighters will then mock the victim for their "wrongdoings" and "misperceptions."
Gaslighting Psychology
The gaslighting techniques are used in conjunction to try to make the victim doubt their own thoughts, memories and actions. Soon the victim is scared to bring up any topic at all for fear they are "wrong" about it or don't remember the situation correctly.
The worst gaslighters will even create situations that allow for the usage of gaslighting techniques. An example of this is taking the victim's keys from the place where they are always left, making the victim think she has misplaced them. Then "helping" the victim with her "bad memory" find the keys.
Are You a Victim of Gaslighting Emotional Abuse?
According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting emotional abuse include:2
You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can't do anything right.
You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
(www.healthyplace.com)
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions. Gaslighting is an insidious form of abuse. It makes victims question the very instincts that they have counted on their whole lives, making them unsure of anything. Gaslighting makes it very likely that victims will believe whatever their abusers tell them regardless as to their own experience of the situation. Gaslighting often precedes other types of emotional and physical abuse because the victim of gaslighting is more likely to remain in other abusive situations as well.
The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 British play "Gas Light" wherein a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy using a variety of tricks causing her to question her own perceptions and sanity. Gas Light was made into a movie both in 1940 and 1944.
Gaslighting Techniques and Examples
Gaslighting is emotional abuse that aims to make victims doubt their own perceptions and memories. Find out if you are being gaslighted in your relationship.There are numerous gaslighting techniques which can make gaslighting more difficult to identify. Gaslighting techniques are used to hide truths that the abuser doesn't want the victim to realize. Gaslighting abuse can be perpetrated by either women or men.
"Withholding" is one gaslighting technique where the abuser feigns a lack of understanding, refuses to listen and declines sharing his emotions. Gaslighting examples of this would be:1
"I'm not listening to that crap again tonight."
"You're just trying to confuse me."
Another gaslighting technique is "countering," where an abuser will vehemently call into question a victim's memory in spite of the victim having remembered things correctly.
"Think about when you didn't remember things correctly last time."
"You thought that last time and you were wrong."
These techniques throw the victim off the intended subject matter and make them question their own motivations and perceptions rather than the issue at hand.
It is then that the abuser will start to question the experiences, thoughts and opinions more globally through statements said in anger like:
"You see everything in the most negative way."
"Well you obviously never believed in me then."
"You have an overactive imagination."
"Blocking" and "diverting" are gaslighting techniques whereby the abuser again changes the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim's thoughts and controlling the conversation. Gaslighting examples of this include:
"I'm not going through that again."
"Where did you get a crazy idea like that?"
"Quit bitching."
"You're hurting me on purpose."
"Trivializing" is another way of gaslighting. It involves making the victim believe his or her thoughts or needs aren't important, such as:
"You're going to let something like that come between us?"
Abusive "forgetting" and "denial" can also be forms of gaslighting. In this technique, the abuser pretends to forget things that have really occurred; the abuser may also deny things like promises that have been made that are important to the victim. An abuser might say,
"What are you talking about?"
"I don't have to take this."
"You're making that up."
Some gaslighters will then mock the victim for their "wrongdoings" and "misperceptions."
Gaslighting Psychology
The gaslighting techniques are used in conjunction to try to make the victim doubt their own thoughts, memories and actions. Soon the victim is scared to bring up any topic at all for fear they are "wrong" about it or don't remember the situation correctly.
The worst gaslighters will even create situations that allow for the usage of gaslighting techniques. An example of this is taking the victim's keys from the place where they are always left, making the victim think she has misplaced them. Then "helping" the victim with her "bad memory" find the keys.
Are You a Victim of Gaslighting Emotional Abuse?
According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting emotional abuse include:2
You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can't do anything right.
You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
(www.healthyplace.com)
There is always the duality of Light/Dark in each of us .
There is a reason why most of the Narc. forums/books/Narc. recovery experts constantly reference 'soul-death' amongst other symptoms of Narc survivors.... it really is a spiritual battle in which the Narc is literally hell-bent on totally destroying all that IS good about the other person, they have a one-way valve and they cannot contain the dark thoughts/dark energy/darkness they think and feel about themselves because it will destroy them - so they project it calculatingly, maliciously and manipulatively onto the perfect target .... a WWLTM or a co-dependent! We had no boundaries, no means of 'defence' , our hearts and souls were open, we were the Light which attracted their Darkness.
Im sure my NH does this all the time.
He says often ' I wish I could trust the things you say, you always exaggerate things and embellish everything'
I might say something like' that rain was 50,000 times worse than last week...I do exagerate and embellish but in a totally ridiculous OTT way that it just isnt meant to be taken as truth but he doesnt seem to be able to work out which is truth and which is extreme exaggeration! Ya know like the size of the fish the fisherman catches....
i suppose there could be a continuum of these such things, some are worse than others. some are murderers and rapists and child and animal and elderly abusers....i also don't believe in the death penalty so there you go....
we should all possess a healthy level of narcissism. what we should learn is, WE COME FIRST! we need to learn to be selfish. They know how to manipulate, because they know how to get what they want. they are also much happier with life in general, even in spite of their discrepancies. i wish i could find this article i read. someone went to a prison and interviewed narcs with the intention to learn from them, not why they did what they did, but how they are ok with what they did, and how they are feeling in life.
we dont have to be manipulative. we dont have to lie. but we do have to go after what we want, and not settle for less.
They are on one end of the spectrum, and we on another. we are their victims. the difference is, we can choose another way of life. they cannot. They may not experience sadness and fear much, but they also do not experience joy and love. which are very powerful emotions. it takes something extreme for them to feel. sometimes they can get their "feelings" out of how much control they have over us. sometimes it takes more drastic actions.
We need to protect ourselves. We are prime targets. we need to learn the signs of being gaslighted, of having our boundaries crossed, and care about ourselves enough to say NO THANK YOU.
hell a huge red flag there right!!!
Shoulda smacked me in the face!
So how do we react when we are being gaslighted?, is there a counter to this in a discussion situation? ( I use the word discussion loosely!!!)