Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse wherein your partner manipulates your perception of reality. Here's 10 signs you're being gaslighted.
1. You're told something is normal that you can feel deep in your bones is not. Say your husband (or partner or boyfriend or even friend) does something you find strange. Like ask you to lie for him. You don't think this is right. You say so. He comes back with something like, "Every wife would do this. We're a team. I'm in trouble and I need you. I can't believe you don't think that this is normal. There is something wrong with you!"
2. You're told you are paranoid, too sensitive, or stressed out. Again, something strange happens. Your husband is seen out with a woman you don't know. You ask him about it. He has some vague explanation but then tops it off with, "Really, honey, you are totally paranoid to think I'd be cheating on you. Are you hormonal? Maybe you need to see a therapist."
3. You start to exhibit "crazy" behavior. You find yourself doing things that you couldn't imagine doing before you were with your man. Like questioning every time he goes out; accusing him of things that may or may not be true; going through the garbage to find "evidence" that he's lying to you again. You may find yourself desperately scouring the aisles of a grocery store, determined to get the right kind of pasta sauce so you don't "disappoint" him again, and end up having a meltdown when you find they're out of Classico.
4. You mistrust your perceptions. You're constantly being told that what you're seeing, hearing, feeling isn't what you're seeing, hearing, feeling. You tell a joke at a party and everyone laughs, but your husband later tells you you weren't funny. You look in the mirror and see someone who is thin, but he tells you you've gained weight. You've always thought you were smart, but somehow with your husband, you always feel dumb.
5. You begin to accept his perceptions, even though they don't seem true. You were at a restaurant with your husband and struck up a quick conversation with the waiter. Your husband tells you were being flirtacious. "Was I being flirtacious?" you ask yourself, even though that wasn't your intention at all. "I must have been and don't realize it." You ask what you think is a reasonable question only to be told you are harping. "Am I harping?" you think. "Maybe I am a nag."
6. You start to feel like your memory is terrible. Your husband is always saying something to the effect of, "I never said that, did that, promised that," to things you're pretty certain he said, did, or promised. He might tell you that he "never" gets on Facebook, but when you see him on Facebook and mention it, he says, "I didn't say I never went on Facebook. I just hardly go on it." Then you see him on it the next day. And the next.
7. You start to feel like your spouse has a terrible memory. You can have a deep conversation one night about something important to you, only to have your spouse say later, "We never talked about that," "I definitely never said that," or "Did you dream this?" You might get tempted to record conversations just so you can keep them straight.
8. You start lying. In order to avoid all of the mental abuse you'll know you'll get if you say a, b, or c, you start to lie. You were never a liar in the past. You don't lie to other people.
9. You begin to think you're crazy. You have thoughts like, "Maybe he's right and I'm just totally overreacting. I am always overreacting," or "There must be something wrong with me that I'm always on him about stupid things."
10. Depression. The end stage of being gaslighted is that you feel depressed, anxious, unsure, and hopeless. Does he care or not care? Are you oversensitive or do you have a right to complain? You end up getting so confused and disoriented that you check out into depression.
Every couple has miscommunications, and everyone hears or sees things sometimes that they misconstrue, but if you are frequently experiencing the above symptoms, you are likely being gaslighted.
Do you ever feel like this?
http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159299/10_signs_your_man_is
1. You're told something is normal that you can feel deep in your bones is not. Say your husband (or partner or boyfriend or even friend) does something you find strange. Like ask you to lie for him. You don't think this is right. You say so. He comes back with something like, "Every wife would do this. We're a team. I'm in trouble and I need you. I can't believe you don't think that this is normal. There is something wrong with you!"
2. You're told you are paranoid, too sensitive, or stressed out. Again, something strange happens. Your husband is seen out with a woman you don't know. You ask him about it. He has some vague explanation but then tops it off with, "Really, honey, you are totally paranoid to think I'd be cheating on you. Are you hormonal? Maybe you need to see a therapist."
3. You start to exhibit "crazy" behavior. You find yourself doing things that you couldn't imagine doing before you were with your man. Like questioning every time he goes out; accusing him of things that may or may not be true; going through the garbage to find "evidence" that he's lying to you again. You may find yourself desperately scouring the aisles of a grocery store, determined to get the right kind of pasta sauce so you don't "disappoint" him again, and end up having a meltdown when you find they're out of Classico.
4. You mistrust your perceptions. You're constantly being told that what you're seeing, hearing, feeling isn't what you're seeing, hearing, feeling. You tell a joke at a party and everyone laughs, but your husband later tells you you weren't funny. You look in the mirror and see someone who is thin, but he tells you you've gained weight. You've always thought you were smart, but somehow with your husband, you always feel dumb.
5. You begin to accept his perceptions, even though they don't seem true. You were at a restaurant with your husband and struck up a quick conversation with the waiter. Your husband tells you were being flirtacious. "Was I being flirtacious?" you ask yourself, even though that wasn't your intention at all. "I must have been and don't realize it." You ask what you think is a reasonable question only to be told you are harping. "Am I harping?" you think. "Maybe I am a nag."
6. You start to feel like your memory is terrible. Your husband is always saying something to the effect of, "I never said that, did that, promised that," to things you're pretty certain he said, did, or promised. He might tell you that he "never" gets on Facebook, but when you see him on Facebook and mention it, he says, "I didn't say I never went on Facebook. I just hardly go on it." Then you see him on it the next day. And the next.
7. You start to feel like your spouse has a terrible memory. You can have a deep conversation one night about something important to you, only to have your spouse say later, "We never talked about that," "I definitely never said that," or "Did you dream this?" You might get tempted to record conversations just so you can keep them straight.
8. You start lying. In order to avoid all of the mental abuse you'll know you'll get if you say a, b, or c, you start to lie. You were never a liar in the past. You don't lie to other people.
9. You begin to think you're crazy. You have thoughts like, "Maybe he's right and I'm just totally overreacting. I am always overreacting," or "There must be something wrong with me that I'm always on him about stupid things."
10. Depression. The end stage of being gaslighted is that you feel depressed, anxious, unsure, and hopeless. Does he care or not care? Are you oversensitive or do you have a right to complain? You end up getting so confused and disoriented that you check out into depression.
Every couple has miscommunications, and everyone hears or sees things sometimes that they misconstrue, but if you are frequently experiencing the above symptoms, you are likely being gaslighted.
Do you ever feel like this?
http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159299/10_signs_your_man_is
Often times my partner would do things that in my very core I just knew were out of line. Going silent for days, lying about where he was, If I questioned him he would say I was "crazy," or "controlling" my favorite moment was when I caught him lying and he responded "you make me lie to you." I apologized for everything, even things that I just knew I hadn't done wrong but he would convince me I was in the wrong. I remember being so upset because he told me I was a cheating whore because I worked with other men, I was so nervous about impropriety I wouldn't speak to my male coworkers. Only after the breakup did I find out the multiple other women he had cheated on me with.
now that im in a healthy relationship, im learning that my ptsd is not as much of a burden. I developed it to protect me, and a real partner who cares about me would never want to trigger it, or if i am triggered would not hold it against me. in spite of my ptsd disability, i have accomplished ALOT. ive been a single mom, held a job, and graduated with a degree and am two or three quarters away from my bachelors. I should be proud of that, and so should anyone that i am with. because i am NOT a statistic, and i beat the odds in spite of all the people that beat me down.
Even last night I was trying to get around to telling my H about me seeing a therapist.
At some point I said to him, that he seemed to sometimes shut off and that he didn't share anything really personal with me, I said it would make me feel good to get to know him on this deeper level and that we can share intimate thoughts....
So then I got the silent treatment, then when I asked whats the matter with you?
He said I am angry with you.
Oh I say.
He said " Who the hell do you think you are spouting off with any old rubbish any time you like, with no thought for my feelings."
I pretended to sleep.
Wanted to humble grovellingly apologise and say I didn't mean to hurt his feelings…
but I didn't.
I don't think what I said was so terrible - was it?
no you didn't say anything wrong. that would be welcome in a healthy relationship. it's got manipulation all over it.
don't you dare apologize.....
also sunny you may want to consider making a plan to stand strong IF you feel the need to tell him you're in therapy. he WILL talk you out of it or shame you out of it and in your fragile state you just might fold. WHY do you need to tell him???? it's none of his business......
I have an agreement with my daughter that I am meeting her for coffee every wednesday in case he asks her or checks up on me, that gives me until July when she goes to Uni!
Never sure if he does gaslight me or if I am imagining it! It helps me to write it out though and re-read it later….then I can see. I try and be clear and honest in my interpretation of what was said!!!
I am re-reading WWLTM on my kindle!
I feel like Im critical of him all the time as that is also something he said about the above conversation - that me being critical about him bottling up things. SO I am trying to work on that.
As for my degree funding letdown - I have told him about it b but I had to ask him to sit down to talk it through but he wasn't really listening and couldn't follow through my points about it. He said do whatever you like….
For me the reasoning helps me unravel the confusion about things. The reason I let things happen is because I just don't trust my own judgement and instincts so I am always unsure and hesitant…then theres the fear of abandonment and being disapproved of too….!
but you are here. Thats the main thing.
x