Welcome Fitmom. Sounds like a difficult situation. Personally, I think even thinking about dating while he is in the house is a bad idea. Just complicates an even more complicated situation. The advice I got from my therapist was to leave dating till I had got my head together. Maybe it would help if you and your ex could agree on a timeframe for him to move out? If he is manipulative, this might be his way of obstructing you moving on..Good luck!

welcome first of all..

are you willing to stop dating anyone right now???

if you're a wwltm i'd recommend that. we typically go from man to man to man none of them working out b/c we never stop to heal ourselves which is where the problem lies.

depression is part of grief. it's okay to have painful feelings and depression.

the first thing i'd say is read women who love too much, codependent no more and www.baggagereclaim.com and see if you can identify... then sloooooooooooooowwwwww wayyyyyyyyyyyy downnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. and ask yourself what do you want right now??

you?? not anyone else but you?? in your heart right now what is it you want??? if you can identify that you can the make a plan to get there. in steps

this work is best done a day at a time only. otherwise it's too overwhelming for most of us.

if you cannot know what you want right now.... try to sit with it all until you are inspired to make a move. not before.

you want him out. can we help you make a plan to get him out? step by step plan. and then all you ever have todo is focus on one step at a time.

wwltm tend to deal with a lot of anxiety and avoidance. b/c i believe our emotions are more intense than a regular woman's. it so often feels impossible. but our tolerance for the right things grows if we can attack it one step at a time....

Hi,

Welcome to the group:))

We all deal with depression some time or the other Please know that it is normal and you will get over it. I hope you are taking appropriate steps to deal with it like not socializing, looking after yourself...your diet e.t.c. Talking out helps a lot. Going out with friends and chatting over a cup of coffee et al.

Second is your situation...you already have done the difficult thing...that is taking a decision that you have to move out of this relationship. Your H is looking for an accommodation already. So it is just a matter of time.

When you say..."My husband is a good person who tends to be manipulative and disrespectful and verbally abusive at times. We grew apart and out of love"......it leaves me a bit confused as to what exactly do you mean. A good person who is disrespectful and verbally abusive at times...well please rethink why you don't want him. Is it this simple...like I don't love him so....

So when you are doing something ask yourself a basic question...why exactly you are doing it.It may not be a politically correct reason but it should be a clear reason to you. No vague feelings or emotions should be guiding you. More so because you say you are depressed.

So let him move out first...till then...take good care of yourself and share what goes in your head with us...it will give you a better perspective.:)

Much Love.

Thank you everyone for responding. I hired a lawyer and she is going to draw up the papers to serve my husband. I am having a tough time getting my head around everything. My emotions usually take over. I'm not sure if I should tell him that I hired one. He is still in the house and I don't think He will be very happy about being served without having any idea it's happening. Any advice would help. I'm pulling back from the guy I've been dating. Decided to slooooow it wayyyyy dooownnnnn! LOL! I need to take time for myself in all of this.

I think you should inform your husband about the lawyer and politely request him to move out of the house.

I was going to tell him. The issue now is my husband and I are planning to file bankruptcy together and it's much easier and cheaper to do it together and my lawyer told me he can not represent us anymore if I go forward with the divorce papers. I am going to give it a little more time. My H said he would have money second week in January. I need to do something soon. Maybe that something is to just relax and sit with myself and make these important decisions when I feel ready.

Filling for bankruptcy together is cheaper? Do that then . hold on the divorce. But you can tell him to move out. Once you take a decision be very very practical.

The problem is every time he is about to move out there is another excuse why he doesn't have the money to do it.

Separated but living together... that in and of itself is soo difficult. If you know that you want a divorce and find that your soon-to-be-Ex is reluctant to move out, maybe you can make the move, temporarily. I think space will help you focus on the next right step for you and your children.

One day at a time, one good decision at a time.

Hello fitmom, I am very familiar with your situation as I too am separated from my husband for about a year now. Two kids 21 and 17.Here is what I did and why you want to try and save yourself the pain that I caused myself:

I had a terrible crazy affair that sent me into a downward spiral and I moved out in a flash from my husband of 17 years. The guy dumped me the first day I had my own place.

I came to this site and asked for advice and they all told me exactly what they are telling you: be by yourself for a while and allow yourself to heal. I did not heed the advice.

After just 2 months of utter hell in trying to recover from the whirlwind of the narc guy and my husbands coming to terms with me actually living on my own I flung myself at another guy. I can say that in the last few weeks of being alone before meeting this new guy I began to feel whole again. Began to enjoy a few things. Started to feel ok (not comfortable or good) with being alone and a few other positive things happened. Most of this ended when I got involved again.

So now I am in a relationship with another man. I moved in with him after just 3 months of dating. Then the hubby got a girlfriend. I became jealous and started to have feelings for the hubby again. I was so mixed up. The BF was not working well but I did not think I had any choices except to go directly back to the hubby(for a lot of financial reasons). So I was determined to split hubby up from his girlfriend and move back home. One thing stopped me. The hubby did not agree. This sent me into a panic and anxiety attack like I have never had before. What a mess. I was a terrible mess.

So now I decided to play out the best I could with the BF. Problem was that I was still not over the hubby and did not really even know who I was or what I wanted.

Now its been a whole year later and I found myself in the same dilema. What is it that I want? Do I know how to ask for what I want? Do I know how to not settle for not having my needs met? Do I know how to actually take care of myself without anyone else's help? Financially and emotionally? I had no answers to these hard questions but now thought that I am finally ready to start getting down to the work. Taking the advice of everyone else and being alone to work this stuff out in myself.

I have told the BF that I no longer wish to be in a relationship with him. Even though we just signed a two year lease two months ago. Even though I am scared I may not be able to survive financially. Even though I might have to file papers and go through with the divorce this year. Even though christmas is a week away and I might be alone then. Even though the sky is gray.....because I could go on and on with excuses to keep living the way I am.

So I am here to tell you that getting involved with another so quickly after splitting up will only extend the process of misery.

I like how you say..."My husband is a good person who tends to be manipulative and disrespectful and verbally abusive at times. We grew apart and out of love" This sound exactly like what I was saying. What I now interpret my thoughts to be are:" He is a good man because he paid the bills. He is a good man because he never cheated on me. BUT he is not the man for me because he never paid any attention to me. He never shared his feelings. He is very self centered. I did not GROW out of love, I grew inside and wanted more out of a relationship. I now did not want to settle. I actually wanted a Loving relationship. One that I did not see possible with the hubby.

We also have a huge financial tanglement. I have struggled on my own. But I have settled back and am now not jumping into the divorce. I can work on me and regarding the finances I can do the best thing financially. If that means wait a while then I will wait. I have learned that when you have kids with someone and have been with them for a long period of time, nothing is going to go away for a while. And some things will always still be there without having to live with the person.

So please please try to get him to move out. He can live in a motel until he finds a more permanent place. Or you could until he leaves. He could stay with a relative or friend. Life will be constant chaos with you both in the same house. Also as hard as it is try not to get involved with anyone else. You will not be able to give yourself 100% to any relationship until you are completely finished with your hubby. Believe me when I say I tried. All it did was cause more confusion.

Lastly, my prayers are with you. It takes a lot of courage to change our lives. I believe that is really what we want. A better life for ourself. We just are not familiar with the right actions and behaviors we need to have in order to get it because we were never taught. What we were taught no longer works for us. So we must try to find the courage to listen to others who have been there, and some who are still there. You will make it, the only question is how much pain you will endure in getting there. I seem to like to take the hard way.
: )

(((((hugs)))))